Highschool for fucktards

Once again I hesitated about posting this one, for a couple of reasons -

1. Its not my battle and I don't know all the details
2. I don't want to cause more shit for the people who are involved

However, somethings caused my protective streak to kick in again.. Sorry, but I just can't help myself sometimes. Also I figure that the shit-stirrers responsible probably don't read this and if they do, screw 'em - they are welcome to email me or post about how much I suck on their blogs. I'll probably ignore them or laugh at them but if that’s what gets them through the day...

After reading Steph & ‘Meldas post’s I am feeling a little disturbed. Why are there always people who try to ruin things for other people? What the hell is going on out there at the moment? I was disturbed when I read what was happening to Rigo - no one needs that & I instantly empathised with what was happening, coming across those posts that displayed a distinct lack of empathy or any sort of consideration for that situation at all was just plain wrong to me - no matter what had happened previously between those people, that was pretty harsh. I was disturbed when I read Stephs post as I can only wonder what must be happening behind the scenes for such a vibrant and funny person to be brought to that point and I was disturbed by Imelda's post because for someone who seems so strong and so prepared to walk their own path to actually feel the need to make that post demonstrates so clearly that its crap like this that forces many people who would like to walk their own path to instead stick to the well-established track for fear of being targeted.

This really is like high school.

And it makes just as little sense now as it did then.

I went to a private girls school that prided itself on turning out young ladies (read:snobs). I like to think that my friends from school and I are living proof that no quality control system is perfect. In my entire grade there was really only 6 people that I genuinely liked and enjoyed spending time with (there was a larger group but then one of them decided that she only wanted to be friends with 'pretty' people and some of the others agreed - we dumped their sorry asses very quickly) mainly because they were a lot like me – we didn’t run with the cliques, we had no interest in the bitching and backstabbing and we pretty much just cruised. If we had a problem with someone instead of starting some stupid rumour, we’d simply have nothing to do with them or we’d tell them what we had a problem with and why – usually quite bluntly.

Funnily enough everyone else thought we were all on drugs - no idea why as during school none of us really touched them and we found out years later that somehow we ended up being seen as a little bit rebellious – never our intention and I don’t think we ever really did anything to deserve it - explosives, breaking into classrooms, nearly killing people with practical jokes, getting accused by the Archbishop of being a cult (more on that another time) and throwing things out of windows aside, we were really very well behaved so I think that tag was very undeserved…. but I digress….

The thing is, I have always had a very simple philosophy – if you don’t like someone, don’t have anything to do with them. There’s no need to be nasty (remember, karma always comes back to bite you on the ass) but just don’t have anything to do with that person.

If I didn’t like someone in highschool, I sure as hell wasn’t going to spend my lunch hours hanging out with them and if now I don’t like someone from what little I can see of them from their blog – just as an example - then I’m not going to continue reading it.

I’m not going to bitch about it on my blog either because at the end of the day, who really gives a fuck what I think?

No one – that’s who.

No – not even you.

Ok, you may be sitting there saying ‘Well, actually Giggles, I care what you think – that’s why I am reading your blog after all!’ But you know what – there are levels of caring - you care slightly more then if the woman on the tube next to you suddenly told you about her problems and slightly less then if your best friend called you up with the same problem. Because at the end of the day you don't really know me - anymore then I really know you.

You don’t know that I have dimples (2 of em), you don’t know that I have a scar next to my right eye from a dog bite when I was a toddler, you don’t know that I have a glare that can freeze fire at 100 paces when I am pissed off and you don’t know just how much I giggle when I find something amusing.

You don’t know that I have an insatiable appetite for cherry crumble, that I broke 7 bones in my left foot in highschool and never got them set properly and now wont let them re-break the foot to fix it. You don't know that it has taken me YEARS to train myself not to bite my nails or that my childhood nickname is Grub (I so cannot believe I just admitted that, I would suggest though that none of you EVER attempt to call me that - my sister is the only one allowed to do so), you don’t know that I can be very selfish (a legacy of many younger children I am told), that I like 3 sugars in my tea and I don't drink coffee or that I can pick things up with my toes or that I like to sleep on the right hand side of the bed or that I can be incredibly bossy and what difference does it make?

Finding out that the real reason I wear high heels is because I have a height complex is hardly going to make your day. Similarly, discovering that I think that gouging my eyeballs out with a plastic spoon is preferable to watching 60 minutes is hardly going to ruin your day even if you are a mad keen Richard Carlton fan

Or at least I hope it’s not.

If so, dude, get a life….

I blog only the smallest part of who I am and everyone else out there is exactly the same. The parts of myself that I put online may be thought provoking, amusing, annoying or just plain stupid to you but that’s not all of who I am and while a positive response is somewhat gratifying (everyone likes to be liked afterall), a negative one is hardly going to show up on my care-factor radar.

There are 3 people from the blogsphere that I email – there is 1 more that I have been meaning to email but haven’t gotten there yet (yep, I’m a lazy wench too sometimes) and the reason I am keeping it minimal is simple – I don’t need the hassle.

I thoroughly enjoy blogging and reading other peoples blogs. I enjoy the interaction and am constantly entertained and amazed at the wit and intelligence of some of the people I have come across. I admire their drive and their abilities and feel that I can learn a lot from their philosophies/perspectives/attitudes but I am also wary of the dramas. I have no need of complications. I have learnt to be careful of who I allow into my life. What can you offer me and what can I offer you? If you can't feed my soul and I yours then all we are doing is draining each other - I don't need that anymore then you do.

So far as I am concerned, blogging doesn’t replace my ‘real’ life – it’s almost always entertaining, often thought provoking and its given me a chance to vent some things I needed to vent but it’s not going to take over the rest of my life and I think that’s where some people have difficulty – allow it to become too important to you and you will end up getting caught up in this little virtual world and that’s when the haters and bitchy people will get to you. Its no different to the drug world really.

If you honestly can’t keep it in perspective, is blogging (or life at all) really for you? Personally I think the bitchy blog people just don’t have enough ‘real’ problems in their ‘real’ life to keep them occupied or they are concentrating on non-issues in order to avoid having to face their real issues (once again - very similar to the drug culture). But that’s purely a personal opinion and I freely admit I may be very wrong - I don't know for sure and I have no problems admitting that.

I’d like to use a quote I used once before and my sincere apologies to the person who wrote this (not that I think they’d read this anyway, but you never know) for using it again but I not only have no interest in going back to those sites ever again, I simply can’t get onto any of them while I am at work in order to pick another one and taken out of context this really does capture it all perfectly for me –

"Dollop, I wouldn't fuck your posse of shallow, cliched, shoe-loving, toilet-fucking interweb skanks with YOUR cock, mate. So no."

Now I have been assured that I am a part of this - at least I am in good, well shod company and I’m still waiting on my bloody uniform… damn Royal Mail…. and I actually find it amusing rather then offensive (I have an odd sense of humour) but first things first, can I just point out that number one, loving shoes is not a bad thing damnit! Don’t you be knocking my love of shoes! That will upset me!

Secondly, who the hell died and made you god? Are you really so perfect that you can afford to judge ANYONE? I don’t know this person so I can’t comment on what they are like and I am sure that in actual fact they are a pretty good person - their mother loved them enough to give them a name at any rate - but even having read their blog, I would still never venture to offer such an opinion. As they don't know me and I am guessing that they don’t really 'know' some of the other people they have lumped into that category, I fail to see how they can validate that opinion and again this is only an example. But if you can't back it up, then don't say it.

No one here has any clue what anyone else has really been through – there have been a few posts recently that have really brought that home for a whole lot of people. We don’t know what motivates people, we don’t know what the root cause is and why people may choose to hide behind masks – even vapid, shallow ones – in order to hide their hurt or fears.

I don’t really understand the haters and bitchy people – its not a popularity contest – really it isn’t! In 50 years time, is it really going to matter how many hits you got per day? Is it going to matter if someone else wrote a post that was funnier or more insightful then yours? And more importantly, does it really affect your life in such a negative way that someone else out there had the courage to live their life by their own terms without worrying about society's restrictions (which were created by men long dead) or the opinions of small minded people - dare I say it - such as yourself?

Most of the people I have come across are awesome but there are some out there that aren't and even though they will probably never read this, its really them that this is aimed at.

If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say it. If you don’t like someones blog, don’t read it and if person A has a problem with person B then it is not person C's responsibility to tell person B about it - persons A & B are both capable of sorting their own shit out I am sure. If person L is friends with person M and N but M & N don't like each other, don't drag L into it. If person X sleeps with person Y then person Z should get a grip - besides from the fact that its no one else's business, are you really so totally fucking ugly in your soul that you can't accept that things don't always go your own way?

If some people would pull their head out of their own ass long enough to smell the coffee, this experience would be a lot more fun for a lot more people. Its crap like this that puts a lot of would-be bloggers off I am sure and I wonder if this at least partly responsible for the recent rash of drop-outs.

Hugs to all.

Monday....

Hi There! Feeling much better today, still not feeling perky but making an effort to do so… I just had a Cadbury’s whole nut chocolate bar for breakfast so that should perk me up double quick.

Something tells me I am PMS’ing… or I’m about to anyway…

My sex drive has just hit overdrive - when I am still in an ‘I need sex NOW’ phase, add a good dose of PMS to that and I become a menace to society as well as myself. I have one scratch mark that is right where my underwire for my bra sits and it keeps bleeding and it's driving me crazy. I spent most of the weekend either playing solo or having phone sex with an ex back in Oz. (He called - it wasn’t my phone bill so good).

Anyway, on Friday night we went & saw Walk The Line. Now I have never had any interest in Johnny Cash or his music but as Memoirs Of A Geisha was sold out (we were late leaving the restaurant), we decided to go see that instead. I am so glad we did. Our main reason for choosing to see it was Joaquin Phoenix.

He has so seriously made it to the top of the list of celebs I would shag in a heartbeat. In fact, I would go so far as to say that not only do I want to marry him and have his babies (or at least practice lots) but he has even knocked Angelina out of the top spot (Gasp!).

So after more discussions with the girls I now have 4 of my top 5 celebs –

Joaquin Phoenix
Angelina Jolie
Robbie Williams
Nicolas Cage

Now if you read that list, do you notice anything? They all have one thing in common, can you tell me what it is???

No??

Alright, I’ll tell you – they are all ever so slightly fucking crazy.

Seriously –how much does that say about me that I find that sexy???

Sheesh

Anyway, only one place left now – I gotta make it count…

So back to the movie – I loved it. I cried, I laughed, I nearly jumped up & let out a cheer when she finally said she’d marry him (oh that is so not a spoiler – don’t start on me!) and I went out & bought the soundtrack the next day.

Think I’m susceptible to marketing much???

I’m a marketers dream.

I am / was particularly impressed by the fact that Joaquin & Reese did their own singing for the movie. One thing I hate is when a movie involves a singing role and the actor doesn’t do it – it ruins the whole experience for me and this movie is a perfect example of how it can be done and done well by 2 people who are not singers but had the advantage of professional training and a bit of help from a computer.

Either way, it was awesome, I think I will have to go get his book now. Passionate people interest me.

So apart from that I didn’t do much over the weekend, stayed in, tried to keep warm, read 4 books. Amused myself and someone on the other side of the world. Waxed, scrubbed, masked, soaked, pedicured etc.

That was pretty much that.

In 4 months time, I will be home.

I will also be cross-eyed with need.

Someone is going to get a call within hours of my landing back in Brisbane. I think I even know who (and no, it’s not phone sex boy).

God damn.

I am so sick of being sick.

If you believe in God, this is a God-forsaken country, if you don't believe in God…. Well… shit… In that case I can't think of anything else to call this country except fucked.

Seriously.

The universe must have a sense of humour - one of the greatest cities in the world and its in the shittiest possible climate.

Every time I go out, I get sick.

Every. Time.

Since I got over here I have had: 6 colds, 1 flu, the chickenpox (which I have never had before in my life) and some random virus thing.

I really don't deal well with the cold.

I am a warm blooded creature damnit and I can't wait to get home. I never get sick at home.
I had yesterday off because I was just feeling like hell. I thought I might get a chance to jump online, do a couple of loads of laundry and possibly even some cooking - all relaxing stuff..

Wrong.

I slept.

I woke once to eat some garlic bread and then slept again. Today I do feel human but still not normal. And guess what… I'm going out tonight… I might try to convince them to go to the movies instead - at least that will be warm. I'm not drinking either way.

Anyway, I am off to go and catch up on my emails. Will post more later.

Going Home

Dollops’s comment and a few things that other people have said have set me to thinking today…

When I first decided that I was going to come overseas, one of my friends from work who had come over here for a year told me that people who move overseas are either searching for something or running from something. In my case, it was a bit of both.

Sometimes it is so easy to get caught up in your life that you just don’t have time to stop and think about if its actually making you happy. You don’t have time to stop & think ‘Is this what I want?’

My social life back home is insane. I have a couple of different groups of friends who don’t really mix well together – one bunch is a huge group of rowdy, party hard drinkers (these are the ones I end up naked in spa’s with), I have the ones from school who are not big drinkers, love going to restaurants or café’s for a late brunch to catch up and who have children or are in serious relationships and then I have my sister who is down the coast (and a couple of people who we have kept in touch with from the ‘old days’) who I try to spend as much time with as possible. These are my ‘main’ friends and then there are individuals that are separate.

As a result, I very rarely have spare time. Going back to work on Monday is normally a relief for me. I came over here in June last year, in the 8 months prior to that, I had 1 weekend that I managed to keep free (and I did that by cancelling plans) in order to rest & recover. Every weeknight after work was busy as well, I never ever got a quiet night at home in front of the TV.

Sat & Sun were normally totally insane. My own birthday party was 3 weeks late because my schedule was so busy I couldn’t book it in before then and I started planning that party 4 months in advance. You know your life is crazy when your friend calls and says she wants to have a party, when can you make it and you have to tell her that you can’t make it for5 mths, “but if you make it this particular night, I can come for a couple of hours before I have to go to something else… “ 5 fucking months!!!! I even had to schedule visits to my sister in months in advance. Sometimes I didn’t get to see her for a couple of months because I was just so busy.

And to think that I class myself as disorganised…

I’m not really complaining (and I’m not actually boasting either – believe me, its nothing to boast about, its bloody exhausting) but sometimes I would have given anything for a quiet life. Just for some time out to work out where I was & where I wanted to go.

Coming overseas allowed me to do several things, I did actually want to come overseas to explore – that was a major part of it. But a ‘bonus’ was the fact that it gave me a perspective that distance can give – in my case it had to be physical distance as it was impossible to get time otherwise. I needed time to look back and review.

By nature I love to please people and sometimes I say ‘yes’ when I should say ‘no’ because I don’t like to hurt peoples feelings and I don’t like to let people down. I can get so caught up in trying to be everything to everyone that I forget about what I want. This time has helped me a lot with that.

It’s also very hard to break habits when you are in the same situation – coming over here put me in a new environment which allowed me to choose which behaviours I wanted to keep and which I wanted to discard without having to battle with peoples preconceived ideas of me. Hopefully by the time I go home those new habits will be so deeply ingrained that I wont just revert back to type because its easier then making people accept that things have changed a little.

Its been good for my friends too. One of my friends in particular, B has been in a string of terrible relationships from bad to worse, the first one she tried to commit suicide over and believe it or not it actually went downhill from there (who even knew that was possible???) The last one was an ‘ex’ heroin addict who had spent 7 years in jail for god only knows what and tried to stab her during an argument. As she isn’t a ‘gangsters moll’ kind of girl, it was very frustrating for me to watch. I finally managed to get her to see that he was bad for her and she broke up with him, I then managed to get her to see that there was a pattern here and she needed to declare herself a man free zone in order to work on those issues, but so long as I was around to talk to every week, she never sought professional help and while I am very good with people, I am not a professional and there is only so much I can do. When I came over here, because I was no longer right there for her, she got professional help and she’s moving ahead in leaps & bounds. I’m so proud of her I could just burst. As I said, I am very protective of my friends but I have learnt that sometimes you need to take a step back & let them work it out for themselves.

Its been hard because I miss my family so much, particularly my sister and her husband & their little girls. The oldest G is always asking me when I am coming home because she misses me and wants to play. My sister has cried on the phone a few times because she misses me so much. Its very hard for her that I am away as she doesn’t actually have that many female friends. Many women annoy her – she’s very strong and very smart & she’s a straight shooter – women who lie and bitch and moan annoy the hell out of her. Add to that the fact that she is also an extraordinarily attractive woman who is still a size 6 after 2 kids and jealousy becomes a major issue as well. I don’t think she’s ever really recognised that as the problem though. But as I said, not a lot of female friends so very few people to talk to.

So yes, its not been easy in many ways, but its also been just awesome. I’ve learnt so much about myself and seen so many things that fill me with such wonder that this trip was one of the smartest things I have ever done. I was searching for myself and running from myself at the same time and I’m not anymore.

This blog has helped too – because I do have difficulty talking about things I regard as ‘negative’ I find it easier to write about them. I’ve already posted my 2 issues and doing so was immensely cathartic for me. There may be a couple more lurking round somewhere but if so I don’t know what they are and I promise to give fair warning if I can :-) Now I’ve got them out of my head rather then just swirling round inside my brain taking up space I need for more positive things, I can stop looking back and start looking forward - because that’s what life is all about after all.

I am looking forward to coming home – to see my family, to catch up with my friends and because quite simply I am an Aussie at heart. I love Europe and its made me hungry to see the rest of the world as well but I miss Australia, I miss the sense of humour, I miss the sunshine, the beach, the space, the smell of the air, the colours and the indefinable something that is ‘home’

I particularly miss NOT freezing my ass off all day every day.

This time away has made me aware of just what I have back there and now that I have learnt to stand on my own 2 feet I’m looking forward to seeing what remains the same and what changes. All I know is that there are going to be changes. I am not prepared to settle anymore. I want it all.

Its an epidemic... how sad.....

I originally typed this up on the weekend then lost it when my laptop battery died but have recovered it. Then first thing this morning I logged on & read Stephs post.. After reading that I wasn't going to post it at all, or at least not for a while because her experience makes me feel guilty as fuck for complaining about what happened to me (I explain that in the post, it'll make sense later, I promise) and because I didn't want anyone thinking that I was just jumping on the bandwagon.

Then I went & read tfs's post.

Wow. I have felt the rage he talks about & the satisfaction in it.

After reading Tfs's post I realised that the problem is that no one wants to be seen as jumping on the bandwagon and because we all know there is someone out there who is worse off, we feel guilty for 'complaining' and because once upon a time, I too was of the 'well if the stupid bitch didn't leave him then she deserves all she gets' school of thought.

So fuck it - I'm posting too. It's easier for me as I have a lot less people who read this blog then those guys do but the worst thing about it when its happening is that sense of isolation and the feeling that no one else can understand what you are going through - perhaps if everyone who has experienced it in some way starts posting about it then someone who needs help might stumble across one of the posts & realise that it doesn't have to be that way.


A Looooong time ago, in a land far, far away from where I am now…..

Sorry, I'll be serious now.


As a child obedience had been bred into me, I always did exactly what I was told to do. I never rebelled (or not openly anyway) and was always the 'soft' 'submissive' personality of my family. I was also loud & outgoing and always laughing & smiling. I had what is often referred to as a 'vibrant' personality. Life was good to me and I was not used to people being angry with me. People were never 'mean' to me, we might argue sometimes but people were never mean. Living like that makes it very easy to always see the best in people. I was hardly ever yelled at and I can count the number of times I was smacked as a child on one hand. My sister - the strongest influence in my life - had always adored me and cherished me and supported me. My brother in law was the one who finally pointed out to her that I was too soft so she started introducing me to people who were different to us in order to expose me to different ideas and lifestyles. All of my experimenting was done under my sisters close supervision. When I started going out, all my drug taking was monitored by her as well as she was usually out with me All our friends on the coast knew that I was off limits and that no one was allowed near me, if I wanted to go dance on the dance floor, a couple of people would come with me and dance near me so no one else could get near me. I was walked to the toilets in the club by someone who would wait outside for me to finish then walk me back to the group - that's how protected I was.

Then she & I had a fight. It was something stupid (isn't it always) but it took us a while to get over it and restore our relationship to pristine condition. Essentially what it was really all about was I resented the level of control other people had over me and I wanted a bit of freedom. If our relationship hadn't been damaged by that argument, things may well have turned out differently as I may have told her what was happening and she would have tried to stop it. But anyway…

While we weren't talking, I re-met Psycho Boy (PB for short). He was the only child of family friends who we hadn't seen in years. He was well educated, intelligent, articulate, good looking etc etc etc - in short, perfect. PB & I went out for a year. It was serious. I was 19 and he was 26. And not to put too fine a point on it, he ran rings around me. While I had had bf's before, no one serious. He on the other hand… well... prior to meeting me he usually had more then a few women on the go at one time, cheated on most of them, slept with their best friends / sisters / mothers / dogs (ok, I made that last one up)

It all started out as a bit of fun - I was thinking it would last a few weeks / months and then we'd both move on but for some reason it didn't peter out. The day he told me he loved me I did something very very bad - I told him I loved him too even though I knew darn well I didn't (cut me some slack - I was very young and I didn't know what else to say!)

I don't really see the need to go into the worst things that went on here, but things started to get weird. By the time I finally left him I wasn't allowed to chose what colour my hair was, how it was styled, what clothes I wore or who I spent time with. He had managed to totally isolate me from all of my friends and would call me numerous times throughout the day at work just to make sure I was there.

On average he accused me every couple of weeks of cheating on him and thanks to his temper tantrums we eventually replaced just about every wall in the house (on the plus side I am pretty good at renovating & painting nowadays). In some fucked up part of my brain this all seemed perfectly normal. In fact, as I was the only person who he ever acted like this towards, then clearly, it was my fault.

I was living constantly on edge - while we were around other people, he was perfect but when they weren't around I would still get in trouble for things I had said & done in front of them. Constantly trying to judge his moods and creeping round trying not to draw attention to myself was what my whole life revolved around. I lost all faith in myself & my own abilities and it was then that I stopped singing. Singing was the only part of me that he hadn't been able to infect.
When I am singing is when I am happiest and he hated that. I didn't really have a lot to sing about anyway and as I had lost all of my self-confidence, singing in public became very painful for me. Seeing as my whole sense of self was tied up in that due to my upbringing, that was a real blow for me.

The third last straw came when he hit me. Now he'd thrown me up against the wall and punched the wall next to my head a few times but he'd never actually physically hit me so I was a little shocked to say the least. Things like that just don't happen in my family or in my world in general. It was an open handed slap but he was a lot bigger then me so it was enough to knock me to the ground. I picked myself up, walked out of the living room and locked myself in the spare bedroom for a while and tried very hard not to think while he broke the door down and cried and told me how much he loved me. I was absolutely bewildered and couldn't figure out how the hell it had to come to this and it was easier to not have to think about it or deal with it so I forgave him.

A couple of weeks later we were at home and we were arguing again (what a surprise) and he raised his hand to hit me again, this time, I had a very large knife in my hand (never argue with someone who is chopping onions) and I told him that if he hit me, it better be worth it because as soon as I picked myself up off the floor again I would kill him and if I couldn't finish the job I would find someone who could.

I think he believed me. I have always been soft but thanks to my sisters training I have also always been the type that when my backs against the wall I come out fighting and it was only all the mind fuckery that had kept me docile until that point… I think I was more stunned then he was though, but in that split second of resurrection of the person I used to be, my brain told me, quite clearly and very calmly that I needed to get out. Even then, I didn't actually break up with him and while he didn't try to hit me again over the next few weeks, the mental abuse escalated drastically. I actually wish he had hit me more often, physical pain I can handle, I don't like it but bruises fade and painkillers don’t heal emotions.

Due to the job I was doing at the time, I had to go on a 'call centre walk-through', basically, call centre managers, HR & call centre policy makers etc all go and have a look at other call centres and look at what systems they are using and trade ideas etc. I had told him that I was going on one that day but he obviously forgot. He tried to call me at work at about 10am only to get some stupid girl who just said 'No, she's not in today' he freaked and immediately started trying to call my mobile which was of course switched off. That afternoon as the bus pulled up out the front of my office, everyone who worked in call centres around the city started to pile out, I was standing there talking to the national call centre manager for a private health fund and a team leader from telstra when he saw me. He had been sitting outside my office since about 10.15, waiting for me to come back (he knew I had to as he came & picked me up from work every afternoon) and he came over, grabbed me and without even bothering to to excuse us, simply started screaming me in front of everyone. I can still remember the looks on their faces.

I did exactly what I always did - I knuckled under.

But at work the next day I immediately arranged a transfer through work to our Sydney office and I didn't tell him about it - no way was I risking him forcing me to resign or anything like that. Then my mum went into hospital and while we were there he & my sister went to get drinks. M innocently asked him why I was wanting to move to Sydney. My family knew nothing about any of our problems - as far as my family was concerned he was the perfect bf. M was shocked to find out that he didn't know and tried to cover for me but she obviously didn't do a good job.

That weekend we had another argument when he brought up the subject of my moving and that was it, I told him it was over and he wouldn't let me leave the house. I was absolutely fucking terrified but I remember sitting there looking at him as he was shaking me and thinking that the only way he was going to let me leave the house was if he believed I was coming back so I started crying and telling him how much I loved him in order to convince him that I would never be able to follow through with it. I walked out that door and vowed that I would never set foot in that house again and I am happy to say I didn't. I left so much of my stuff behind but it was worth it.

He then stalked me for a bit over 10 months - it was just a drama. I nearly got fired from my job because of it and trying to pretend to my family (who thought it was a bit weird that he kept calling to speak to them about me) that everything was ok was finally getting to be too much. It reached the point where I really didn't think I could handle it anymore. The only thing that stopped me from killing myself was the part of my personality that reminded me that I wasn't ready to die. If death was the only thing that was going to end this, it sure as hell wasn't going to be mine. It was at that point that I put the car in reverse, drove away from the cliff and called him.

I told him that until now, I hadn't told any of my umm… 'other' friends (ie. the dealers, the hitmen etc) (what can I say, I know an interesting cross section of society) or my sister what he was doing, but that would change if he didn't back the fuck off. I then explained the consequences of ignoring this warning.

All of a sudden it stopped.

I was finally free of fear and it was about then that hate came to visit. I was so full of rage and hate it was scary. I developed a hair trigger temper and would lash out at anyone for the slightest reason. My family was utterly bewildered as to where this had come from. There can be a sick satisfaction in reducing someone to nothing because that’s how you feel inside yourself.

There were times where it was like I was standing to one side watching myself break someone down and wondering where the hell this was coming from - what were these words pouring out of my mouth with no control or conscious direction? My best friend B would often look at me, shake her head and sigh 'You have so much repressed anger' which invariably drew the snarled response of 'I do NOT have repressed fucking anger!!!!!'

Which was actually quite true - it wasn't very repressed at all - it was bubbling dangerously close to the surface but I still couldn't admit it. Hatred, fear and anger are this never-ending cycle - they feed off each other and grow progressively more self-destructive.

I had always dabbled with drugs socially and cocaine has always been my drug of choice but it was at about this time that my coke habit started to get a bit out of control. As a result, I no longer touch the stuff - or very rarely. I was just very lucky - most girls would have had to turn to prostitution or dealing to support the habit I developed, I had a friend who was a dealer and he let me take whatever I wanted, no strings attached. Kicking that habit when the time came was actually remarkably easy for me too - one day I decided that I didn't want to do it anymore so I stopped, just like that. if I hadn't been able to stop when i wanted, I think it would have taken me even longer to reach this point.

The turning point for me emotionally came, of all things, from a Cosmo (or Cleo - who the hell knows what it was) that I was reading one day at my desk at work - I had borrowed it off a friend to read and came across an article about domestic violence and emotional abuse.

As I read it, a little voice in my head piped up with 'Ah HA! So this is what happened' Voice 1 however was quickly drowned out by voice 2 'Don't be ridiculous - things like that don't happen to me!'
V1 - 'Really, well guess what genius, you're fucking wrong - it can & has'
V2 - 'Why are you such a drama queen!?? He never really hurt you, you can not compare yourself to these women!'
V1 - 'Ummm... helloooooooo where have you been? In denial much??'
V2- 'C'mon - 1 little slap & then you threatened to kill him the next time he went to do it!'
V1 - 'that was totally justified and the mental torture went on for far longer and was far more damaging'
V2 - 'I am not going to argue with you, this did not happen now get back in your box and don't you be offering an opinion again, d'you hear me?'
(Scuffle ensued which finally ended up with V2 being stuffed back in its box with V1 sitting on the lid to keep it in there..)
V2 - MMMFRHP NNTPH OOT !!!!
V1 - (with hands over ears) LA LA LA - I can't hear you !!!!!!!'

(Just to clarify, in case any of you were seriously thinking that I really 'heard' that conversation...no, I don't really think that I have 2 little voices in my head. I took a lot of drugs, but not that many. But if I did have 2 little voices in my head, that’s pretty much how it would have gone. )

So I gave the magazine back to my friend & then went & bought one for myself, I took it home & read it again then very carefully didn't think about it.

Then a day or so later I read it again and then I started thinking.

V2 was definitely fighting a losing battle but hey, it put up a good fight. Eventually however, V1 won the war.

The amazing thing is that it took me so long to get there. We were together for a year, then he stalked me for nearly a year and it was another year after that that I finally admitted what had been happening to myself.

And when I finally realised this I realised just what I had become - I had let myself become a victim.

I fucking hate victims.

All that anger and rage was preventing me from admitting it and dealing with it and it was holding me back from facing the biggest problem of all, I not only let him treat me like shit and ruin a year of my life, I was still letting him do it 3 years later. And it was fear and shame that was behind it all. Shame because I didn't have to let him treat me like that - I allowed him to do it. I let him reduce me as a person in my own eyes (the only ones that really matter). I could have walked away but it was 'easier' to close my eyes to what was happening and tell myself it was normal.

Easy isn't always easy.

Then too, I also realised just how damn lucky I was - some women are beaten so badly by their partners that they end up in hospital or dead. Many will never break free and will spend the rest of their lives cowed by those men. However, you can't compare your private hell with someone elses. The worst thing that has ever happened to you is still the worst thing that has ever happened to you. You just have to try to retain some sense of perspective and remember that it could have been worse.

Emotional abuse somehow seems less damaging because there are no scars and no hospital records to prove that it was real. I was so lucky - I not only got out before it got any worse, I also stayed strong enough not to go back and my awareness of that fact made it harder for me as I felt ashamed to call it 'domestic violence' because I felt it trivialised what those other women go through. To this day I still will not call it that. Ever. Because I don't think its fair to those people.

I not only allowed him to drain me of all life and reduce me to a shadow of myself, I also allowed him to ruin my health (I put on 25 kgs while I was with him, try shifting that sometime...) and to destroy my faith in myself and in other people. The loss of hope was the hardest. I have always been a very sunny person and while grey is a nice colour for a suit, its not a nice colour for an emotional landscape. I was in deep freeze for years. I said before that I do not deal well with negative emotions - its something I am working on but its a hard pattern to break.

It took me a long time to work through it all and get it straight in my own head and then, just as I reached the point where I had forgiven him for everything he had done and I was able to admit that there had been some good times in the beginning, I found out that he had driven one final knife into my heart and I hadn't even been aware of it.

Now I have mentioned before that my sister and I are close - cut her and I bleed and vice versa. Just as I finally forgave him, my sister and I, having finally managed to rebuild our relationship to the same level of trust it had always been, were sitting up one morning after a big night out and she asked me why I had never told her that I had been raped.

Now this was a bit left field for me because you see, I haven't been.

He told my sister that I had once been raped in her house by a friend of ours. As near as I can figure it out (the timing would be about right) he did that the day after I considered killing myself & instead told him that enough was enough.

I forgave him what he did to me but the pain in her voice and the look in her eyes as she confronted me about it were pure fucking agony for me - to realise that she had been carrying around this totally unnecessary burden of guilt for those years pretty much brought me to my knees. I still haven't managed to convince her that it didn't happen and so she lives with a guilt that has no basis in fact and I live with the knowledge of her pain - its the ultimate mind-fuck and this was his final (and I have to admit, perfect) revenge on me for not giving in and going back to him and for daring to threaten him (never mind he'd threatened me many times).

Unfortunately my sister didn't confront me at the time (because we weren't on our normal footing) - she did however cut that friend out of our lives completely and I never really understood why until that morning years later when somehow the topic of PB came up and she told me what he had said.

The pain and upset that he caused my sister with that one lie was astronomical - for her to think that I had been raped in her house by our friend and that I hadn't trusted her enough or that I had been too scared to come to her and tell her was torture for her. She feels that she failed as a sister because its always been her job to protect me.

Thanks to that psycho my sister lives with her guilt, we both live with her pain, my brother in law lost one of his best friends (the guy that PB accused was his best friend from primary school) and the accused lost his friends and was cut with no reason given.

Pure Evil.

I found out purely by chance recently that he has a degenerative disease and is seriously ill. He has also been having fits and they don't know why. I take no pleasure in it but I can't feel sorry for him either. If I feel anything I think its pity, but precious little. Karma baby... sometimes it takes years, but the universe gets a little busy sometimes...

Its been 6 or 7 years now since we split and I still have trouble trusting people, particularly men, because my own judgement let me down so badly once before that it's been a lot harder to regain that then I thought it would be. I used to love meeting new people and for ages i hated it, I am starting to enjoy it again though I feel so socially inept sometimes and painfully shy which is something that I had never experienced before.

Learning to let go of my defences is going very slowly as is learning to express hurt as hurt rather then anger, learning to open up and to express what I am actually feeling rather then bottling it all up and pretending.

I panic if my partners are too demanding and fight like hell if I think they are trying to cage me. It does however make me very accepting of the fact that they sometimes like their space as well.

I am laughing more though, not as much as I used to as a child but I am taking joy in my life and sometime soon I may even start singing again. I'm finally living in colour and its wonderful.

I have learnt that I am stronger then I ever thought I was and I have now developed a brutally realistic side that tends to balance out my idealistic tendencies. It's probably for the best - I was far too naive before. It's also made me very protective of anyone who I think is 'nice' or 'good'. I can be vicious in the defence of the people I love or who I feel need help. I love an underdog more then ever now because I know how important it is to have someone strong in your corner when you can't carry the burden on your own.

I have learnt that having sex with someone you hate is one of the most soul destroying things you can do and its because of all the months I did that, I am now unable to take sex lightly. When I am having sex is the one time I don't hold any barriers in place and its very hard to ressurect them with someone afterwards, so for that reason I have to totally trust my partner.

I have learnt that sometimes bad things happen to good people and you can't control that all the time, but you can control your response to the situation. I have also learnt that my friends are pretty amazing people.

One of the most important things I have had to re-learn is that faith in other people is often a self-fulfilling prophesy - if you expect the best from people, they will very rarely let you down. Or they very rarely let me down anyway.

I have only ever discussed the details of this with 2 of my friends, the others know I had a bad relationship but they don't know the details as I don't feel comfortable talking about it. I don't like being thought of as a victim. I'm stronger then that.

Aabout a year ago C said to me something about how much it affected my life and how long its taken me to recover. She wished that I had never met him or that she had fought harder to get me to break up with him when we first started going out (She never liked him but not because she thought he was like that). I told her that there can be no regrets for either of us. If it hadn't been for him, I would be a completely different person to who I am now… and who I am now really isn't so bad.

Lucky for her, she agreed. :-)

I have hope, I have faith and I know I am loved - everything else will come from there.

Monday...

Well I had a boring weekend in the sense that I didn’t really do anything too exciting – went home early on Fri as I was so tired & was going to do my grocery shopping on the way so I wouldn’t have to worry about it on the weekend but by the time I got off the tube I was about ready to pass out so needless to say that didn’t happen, went home & straight to bed & woke up at 8.30.

Drifted round the house until about 10 when I tried to go to sleep again, unfortunately I had had just enough sleep that I was unable to so I spent the rest of the night staring at the ceiling.

Sat morning MH & I went into Oxford St & had breakfast at Carluccios which was great then wandered round the shops.

While we were having afternoon tea (scones with tea, naturally) MH pointed out that most people who know me have this insatiable urge to buy me things. She had just insisted on buying me a lip gloss, not because I need more lip glosses as I actually own pretty much every juicy tube and dior addict gloss in existence (including all the limited edition ones) but simply because she knew I would think it was cool as it has a mirror on the side and a light in the wand so that you can see to apply your gloss if you are in a nightclub or something. (How cool is that????) and she knew how excited I would be.

Last time it was picture frames, this time it was lipgloss… I’ve put in an order for an AP corset next… I want the red one… I don’t think she’s going to get it for me though… lol

I never actually stopped to think about it before but she’s right – people are always buying me things and it’s very odd. I don’t know why as its not as if I ask them to and seeing as I am picky about the motivation behind gifts it surprising that I never realised this before. It’s weird.

Anyway, convinced her to buy some AP, she’s convinced no one is ever going to see it but her but I pointed out that she’s the only one who really matters anyway so why not?

Headed home to meet up with the girls as we were having a girls night in. Watched chickflicks, did S’s hair, watched SS get very drunk on gin and then waxed eyebrows, scrubbed, masked etc. Had a great night.

No one got near my hair. I am not making that mistake again.

Sun I was dying or at least wishing I would. I have been trying to cut back on the amount of pharmaceutical items I take as at one stage there I was taking way too many but unfortunately I had to give in and just double the dose fo everything and take it all together. You know things are bad when you’ve exceeded the maximum daily dosage and its only 11am….

It wasn’t until I started drinking the wine though that I actually noticed I was feeling any better.

And while I ma on the topic of illness, what the hell is going on with my immune system??? Normally I can sit in the office and not catch a single cold / flu / virus that will totally decimate the rest of the building. Since I have been over here I have had 6 colds, the flu, the chicken pox (which I have NEVER had before) and now this chest infection / cold thing… this sucks. About the only other thing I haven’t had is measles… if I get that I am going to be very very unhappy.

So I am at work today. Big boss doesn’t seem to be in yet (fingers crossed!) but my direct manager is back & she’s still in holiday mode (she’s a Kiwi) so she doesn’t really care what we’re all doing. Phew.

Anyway, I’m off to take more drugs… ‘scuse me….

Wow...

There is some serious fucking bitchy posts / blogs out there isn't there???

Lucky i didn't read any of that kind of shit when i first started looking or I would never have bothered to continue and would never have come accross Steph et al and then my days at work would be far more boring.

Our work internet has a filter that wont allow us to access anything deemed 'tasteless' so tonight is the first time I have been on a computer and sufficiently bored enough to go check out a couple of sites to find out what y'all keep ref to...

I went to an all girls boarding school and I can honestly say that I have never come across shit like that... Seriously disturbing. Weren't we all supposed to get that out of our systems in highschool???????

OK, no one has to like EVERYONE but if you don't like someone, why would you bother to keep going on abo-

Oh you know what, who could be assed. I'll just offend someone for sure & while its not going to make me cry, who needs it.

Boo to bitchy people.


Oh - I nearly forgot...

"Dollop, I wouldn't fuck your posse of shallow, cliched, shoe-loving, toilet-fucking interweb skanks with YOUR cock, mate. So no."

Ummm... does the fact that I read & post on Dollop's blog make me a part of that?? Because she makes it sound like loving shoes is a bad thing....

I'm confused...

Night.

Ack

I am totally off my head at the moment on a mixture of nurofen plus, sudafed, cold & flu tablets and red wine - finally a combination that works...

I have come down with a flu cold thing and last night while smashed beyond belief I wrote up a whole long post and then lost it when the laptop battery died (I couldn't be assed getting out of bed) GRRRRR

My own fault.

The big boss may be in the office tomorrow & my direct manager will be back from holidays which is going to seriously affect my routine which I am not terribly happy about but i don't think that 'work' (in the loosest possible sense of the word) interferring with my daily pattern of internet usage is a complaint that I can make... Ah well.

Anyway, I'm off to swill a few more pills & red wine... who knows, genius may strike again later and I will try to recap my ridiculously long post from last night.

&$%^ This - I'm out of here...

Done my work for the day & I am out of here - thank fuck its Friday!

Have a great weekend beautiful people.

I'm not drinking ever again for at least another 24 hours....

Last night

Well I’m not hung over but that’s only because I’m still a bit drunk.

I can’t see out of my right eye because its all blurry – I think I got something in it last night. And I have more hickeys / love bites then Tom Cruise at a gay pride day.

I hate that.

Suffice to say last night did not proceed as planned.

As I was about to leave work I called K2 to kill the last 10 mins and discovered that she had broken up with her man. So needless to say, she wanted to go out drinking.

I called Kman, informed him of the state of emergency and advised that he would have to be one of the girls for the night or he wasn’t allowed to come along.

Yes, I know – the fact that I was prepared to blow him off so readily makes me a bad friend – at least according to him it does - but we had that argument last night and I think I won.

Anyhoo, hit Covent Garden, went to the cocktail bar, drank a couple of bottles of wine then moved onto cocktails, had some finger food and some more cocktails at which point Kman finally got tired of telling everyone that I was his sister and K2 was his gf and told us that he was abandoning us to the winds of fate.

Who’s a slack friend now eh??? Eh ???

Humph

Anyway, after he sulked off home we chatted up the cute polish bartender who then gave us a free drink (wasn't that nice??) and spoke to a half dozen other people until we got hit on by 2 guys who were actually very cute.

Now I don’t like English men – personally I think they are too pale (I’m a fine one to talk I know) and I find them a little boring. The one that I was talking to (I have no clue what his name is) made the mistake of trying to engage me in a political debate (why do they do that? Is it to try to prove how smart they are??) I argued him into a corner and then proceeded to turn around and argue him straight back out of it – just because I was bored really – I’m more impressed by people who simply are smart then by people who try to prove they are and its never a good idea to engage me in a debate when I am drunk, I wont give in and if I am in a shit-stirring kind of mood I’ll set you up then rip the rug out from underneath your feet just because I can.

We then somehow progressed to the differences to the investment market in England -v- the investment market in Australia and then which country, India or Africa was likely to rise to be a more valuable part of the international communnity or some shit first and once again I argued one point then just as he was starting to hit his stride I pulled the rug out from underneath him and then I changed tacks and argued the other way.

From there the conversation went to medical and stories of me passing out which he admitted to being quite relieved to hear – apparently it was endearing to know there was a crack in the ball-breaker façade.

I was actually a little offended by that – I don’t think I come across as a ball breaker at all.

Apparently I am intimidating.

It took him a lot of backtracking to talk his way out of that one.

I only raised an eyebrow.

But really, it sounds like a purely personal problem to me.

When the bar shut we all headed back to mine – drank more wine and I opened a box of bbq shapes – I had stopped in at the Australia store to pick some up when we first got there and somehow while wrestling over the bbq shapes he managed to knock my wine glass flying – wine all over me, my suit and crystal & wine all over the floor, cut myself cleaning it up and I have to say it hurts like fuck today and bled quite profusely at the time.

I didn’t have sex with him - he knew I wouldn’t anyway – we had that discussion at the bar too – but did pretty much everything else so that was nice. It hasn’t ended the ‘I need sex NOW’ kick but it has taken the edge off (finally!!!).

Tat Man (I got an email about Bat man today so it works for me) had a bloody great body too. A well cut suit can hide all sorts of sins so you can never be entirely sure of what you are getting but he came up with the goods. And he had 2 tats which were oddly sexy – I don’t really like tats but whatever. Gave him my number when he asked but transposed 2 digits.. note to self – do not go back to that bar for a while…

Kman is seriously in a snit today. He’s such a child sometimes – he doesn’t want anyone else playing with his toys. He knows that if K2 hadn’t been there and he hadn’t left early then I probably would have gone home with him. He’ll get over it.. As a rule I try not to play with my friends – it can get messy.

What’s keeping me amused at the moment is that every single person I have spoken to today has commented that my eyes (which are normally a moss green) are a vivid (and apparently quite fetching) (oh how I love that word - I'm going to say it again - fetching!) emerald green today – this is probably only a surprise as they have never seen me after several hours of (very) expert attention lmao.

(Fetching! hahahaha)

Anyway, the guys went home at about 5 am so I got some sleep thank god. Hour late to work today and still feeling a little smashed. Also dying for a bacon, egg & cheese toasty… or some orange Gatorade & some KFC…

K2 has the day off. Lucky bitch.

Woo hoo!

I am going out to dinner tonight!

Lucky because i don't have anything in the fridge except strawberries and nothing in the freezer except vodka & schnapps....

I just allowed Kman to persuade me to go out to dinner & drinks with him (he's paying - even better!). Its a 'No-sex-belated-Valentines dinner' date ... or something - I don't know. I was too busy giving him shit about the girl he took out on Valentines Day (so stupid that she didn't even realise when he was unkind enough to pay her out on being a moron) (yes, I did get up him for that, she may be dumb but she sounds very sweet).

*sigh* He will keep going for the beautiful but brainless ones... I keep telling him - Beauty AND brains... but do you think he listens?????

Anyway, at least I'll get some hugs and kisses and have some laughs and a good meal.


Ha! One of my workmates just sent me an email....

"If it wasn't for the mischievous grin on your face anyone would think you are an extremely conscientious and hard working employee."

Hehe - that damn grin gives me away everytime - no wonder I am crap at poker!


These people keep buying Krispy Kremes - damn them all to hell!!!!

Today

Meh – what a day. Still so tired! I am wearing a red bra under an unironed white shirt & just threw a suit on - amazingly enough my workmates assure me I look great but i feel all off-kilter. I didn't even get time to do makeup before i left the house - thank goodness for double face powder, gloss & mascara!

Only 15 mins late to work today – bloody bus. I couldn’t be bothered walking in the rain all the way up to the tube stop so just jumped on the bus (the bus stop is about 15 mtrs from my house and stops right outside the building I work at, it just takes longer then the tube), as luck would have it, i also forgot my umbrella...

I have to go call a couple of recruitment agencies today & set up interviews but I really don’t want to. I know its just pure laziness but it’s the thought of having to go in there, be polite, talk all about how wonderful I am and so forth just seems like such an effort. I hate doing that crap.

I have however been putting this off since Monday… seeing as its now Thursday… I really do need to pull my finger out.

I have also been typing out a full list of all my options including time frames for courses, projected income during that time ect. I need to get it all sorted out in my own head first then I can send it on to my sister and let her have a think about it before we get on the phone and pull it all to pieces. (What would I do without her??? )

In other news, I am seriously thinking of moving my flight forward and coming home early. My sister’s birthday is in early April. I would love to come home & surprise her for that.

I’m torn.

I have spoken to my manager (back in Oz) recently and arranged to start back again on 10/7 but she will take me back anytime I want so it’s not like it would be a drama if I came home early… But I really need to stay so that I can start taking some holidays & seeing the things I wanted to see, but if I do come back over, I can see it all then….

GRRRR


Do you have any idea what I would give right now for a packet of BBQ shapes????

And I would cheerfully kill for a bacon, egg & cheese toasted sandwich with BBQ sauce – made with Aussie bacon not the stuff they have over here….. KILL I tell you!



Was chatting to K last night – she is hideously embarrassed about the post & refuses to believe that its all true. Clueless wench :-P


I would like to marry the person who first made Nurofen Plus….



Talking to SS a little earlier whinging about how much I hate this job, she keeps telling me all I have to do is become a trophy wife because there is nothing wrong with being a trophy wife. I’m thinking I could handle being a lady who lunches for all of about a week and then I’d be over it. Bored me = trouble. Besides, aren't they all tall, preying mantis thin with blonde hair, boob jobs & fake tan??? I fail on all counts...



Rib Watch also needs to be renamed… I haven’t put any weight on but I haven’t lost any either – I am sitting at my normal weight but I have now decided that I really do want to lose some more – I don’t want to lose it enough to stop eating all the crap I eat though… And I haven’t done any exercise this week (and I won’t be between now & tomorrow, that’s for sure) so it’s not going to happen… anyone got a spare miracle lying round???

What to do, what to do....

I am currently considering 3 different future career options – I have been thinking about going back to uni (and actually finishing this time) and studying to be a teacher (high school - English & History) or studying psych or law. If I do that though, it means several things –

1. I will be poor. This doesn’t work for me for obvious reasons.
2. I am very bad at organising myself – brilliant at organising other people and organising events & projects but personal organisation is something that has always managed to elude me… this may make studying difficult.
3. I need to bring it back to one choice before I can start doing anything.
4. I am currently planning to come back home, work my ass off for a year, pay off my credit cards (they are what’s killing me at the moment) and then get a working visa for Dublin & come back over for another year – I can’t study & do that.

I am leaning more towards either teaching or law. Everyone does psych these days – there’s a glut of them on the job market and I think it would end up sending me crazy listening to peoples problems all day.

Teaching … meh… kids…. I know what my friends & I were like... If I got some like us - there’d be trouble… but I always remember my grade 10 English teacher – she had so much enthusiasm for the subject that it really made a difference to the whole class. I liked that and as I love English & history, it kind of makes sense to me.

Law – it might actually challenge me. I would like that. I find it difficult to find a job that stretches me but I worry that law may be too confining.

The only job I have ever had that I really enjoyed was when I was the national rewards, recognition & incentives co-ordinator for the call centres of a fairly large Australian company. That job was the most fun I have ever had – creating competitions, measuring KPI’s, ensuring people couldn’t cheat, arranging trips, function, prizes, balancing budgets, tracking the difference it made to staff attrition & balancing that out with training costs & savings – it was awesome. It was very people oriented and quite creative which makes me wonder if law would really suit me? On the other hand….

Bah – its all too much right now… I’m going to get some Krispy Kreme’s…

My Valentines

My friends are hopeless – seriously. This is probably why I am friends with them as it makes me feel like I am actually organised or something but anyway…

Last night I arranged for us all to meet out the front of Garfunkle’s next to Leicester Tube station (not because we were going to eat there – please, just because its easy) K2 was 15 mins late (I was nearly frothing at the mouth), MH somehow thought this meant the one actually in Leicester Square so she was a good half hour late (by this stage I was verging on cranky) and MS got stuck in traffic and was an hour late however as I was actually eating appetisers by this stage, I was able to bear this with perfect composure. I am a narky bitch when I am hungry.

When we finally got everyone there though (it was a Chinese rest. in Soho), we had a great meal, some good wine and lots of laughs. No kisses though - very sad. I did however indulge myself when I got home so thats better then nothing!

Our waiter was smitten with K2 and gave her his number when we left (pity she has a man eh?)

We then headed to the Walkabout (S loves the Walkabout – god alone knows why) and had some more drinks. We spent a fair bit of time talking about love & relationships as you do, also a fair bit of talk about sex. That restaurant must have been so grateful when we left.

Got home fairly early and jumped online & had a chat to a friend of mine back home - funny as I was smashed & she was at work. Interesting conversation!

While out we also decided that it was time I arranged another cocktail party – we will have it in a few weeks once we know when S has the weekend off and we picked the theme as ‘Bedroom Secrets’ (aka Bedroom Fantasies) - this promises to be interesting.

I’m thinking nurse’s uniform this time. I’ve done the nun thing (which was at THE best costume party ever) and I’ve done the maid thing so it has to be about time for a nurse’s uniform.

Looks like its off to AP for me !!! Yeah !!!!



Oh yeah – whatshisname from Savage Garden was there too – I don’t think he counts as a celeb but S was excited.

Whatever.

Oh thank you thank you thank you

Ode to Nurofen Plus …

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with a passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints, --- I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! --- and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

Thanks Liz – I couldn’t have put it better myself….

Softly !!!

Big night out with the girls. Hour late to work. Feeling very ordinary.

Will post more when the Nurofen Plus has kicked in.

'scuse me....

My Friend

Every now & then it forcibly strikes me just what a great bunch people I have as friends. I know they’re awesome, but sometimes it really hits home…

I have a friend who is without a doubt, the softest, sweetest person I know.

She is the only one of my friends that I have given this link to and she is going to be totally embarrassed to read this but it has to be said.

She is absolutely beautiful and completely unaware of the fact. She has great taste, great style and is one of those girls that is breath-taking in a ball gown and equally amazing in shorts, singlet & thongs with no makeup on & hair thrown up in a ponytail. She is smart, she is kind, she is gentle, she taught me how to crash tackle (while drunk at one of our cocktail parties). She is funny as hell, she is easygoing, she is wild on a night out, she is ditsy, she is organised, she is clueless, she never misses a trick, she is shy, she is outgoing, she is off with the fairies but down to earth and has no idea just how special a person she really is. She is a bundle of contradictions and I love her to death for it.

One thing that I love most about her is that she can see or do almost anything and it doesn’t change who she is. She still retains this air of innocence, calm and peace. She still has that softness about her. She’s been hurt in love and now doesn’t really want to get involved but she hasn’t closed herself off from other people. She’s been betrayed by people she trusted but she hasn’t become bitter or angry over it.

She is simply an angel.

She hugs me when I am cranky and I just can’t stay that way, laughs at me when I lose my temper and makes me crack up too, she cheers me up when I am sad without even having to try, she can throw me into a panic with her latest harebrained adventure or groan and bang my head on the table with a couple of well planned escapades. She exasperates me on as regular a basis as she makes me cry laughing.

She is my partner in crime – boozehag extraordinaire and the other half of SASD Inc (est 2001!! lol) and I wouldn’t change a single thing about her.


K, if you are reading this, its moments like these that I realise what a great friend you are and I love you all the more. Can’t wait to see you when I get back home.

Strawberry daiquiris are on me…

Bless.

YEAH!

Happy Valentines Day beautiful people !!!

(Oh alright - and the ugly ones too)

MWAH MWAH MWAH MWAH MWAH

Here's to lots of hallmark lovin'

Will post more later.

Weekend

I seem to be going through an anti-social phase at the moment. I suspect it has something to do with the fact that I am now only 4 mths away from being home and then the whirlwind starts again.

My sister once pointed out to me that I don’t have to accept every invitation and I don’t have to go to every party – this time, I am going to take her advice. No more booking up to 5 mths in advance for me thanks very much – when I get home I am going to look ahead no further then 2 weeks.

Now if I can just stick to that plan….

Fri night I blew off my workmates and headed home. We were supposed to be going for drinks but I just didn’t feel like it. One goblet of red later & I was smashed. I was seriously so drunk – I was sitting there giggling away to myself at just how drunk I was… my piss fitness is disgraceful. Damn liver cleansing.

Sat morning I headed out to K2’s where we went to the hairdressers supply store. That place was great fun. Bought what we needed and then headed back to hers to do her hair. She is now 8 shades lighter & has a new haircut – she looks like a rockstar and it looks awesome even if I do say so myself. I so should have been a hairdresser.

Went home, had another glass of wine (/got smashed) and then ran a bath, lit a candle, poured more wine and soaked. I was actually supposed to be at a party but the effort factor was just too high.

Sun was laundry & cooking, bought some new towels – I just couldn’t help myself, I already have 2 very expensive sets but these were just so awesome. Worth every penny. After I had washed & dried them I commenced waxing, scrubbing, masking, full body exfoliation, pedicures, manicures, protein treatments etc then slathered myself in a new body oil I bought (it’s jasmine scented!) and then off to bed feeling wonderful. Clean sheets too – life could not have been much better.

Going to start actively looking for a new job – I would like to go back to night shift, this morning business just doesn’t work for me. Will have to look into it. I need a challenge at least. I actually feel dumber for doing this job, I am sure my IQ is slipping each day that I sit here. If I stay here much longer you’ll have to dig for it before testing it. I entertain myself of a day by reading up on the net about the Persians, the Italian masters, a bit of French history and so forth but its not enough. My complaining about the boredom is even beginning to bore me so its really time for a change!

Right about now though I need to get my butt into gear – I am organising a girls night out for tomorrow – Valentines day is so depressing when you are single so we are all going out to dinner and doing a secret santa style valentines present thing. Should be good. If I get it sorted.

Parents / Childhood / Issues

Was having a conversation with my sister on the weekend about our mother and it kind of relates to what Imelda was saying about her little boy and the worries she is having. My sister is pissed off at mum because she favours my brothers little girl over her 2 girls and she makes it so blatantly obvious that she does.

When my parents decided to have a third child, they wanted to space us all out so there would be a 2 year gap between each of us, at this point you probably need to ref to the title of this blog… for some unknown reason they just couldn’t get pregnant.

They finally gave up trying and dad went & bought himself a new 2 door Jag as a consolation prize (as you do) and sure enough, Murphy’s Law once again proves its worth – a week later my mum came home and announced she was pregnant.

Dad was a little upset that she made him sell the car.

My sister was 6 & my brother was 8 when I was born. Most 6 year olds come home from school & play with dolls.. my sister came home and raised me.

I should point out at this stage that there was no reason for my mother to work, they could afford a cleaning lady, an ironing lady etc No, my mother chose to work.

My parents were excellent at providing what is called the ‘first level of care’ – food, shelter, health care, toys etc but they kind of bombed on the 2nd level of care. My dad, reserved as he is actually did better then my mum but I don’t think that’s saying much. She is not a cold woman – please don’t think that, but I don’t know if my mother ever actually feels anything very deeply whereas I am a very emotional person (as is my sister, although she’s a bit more fiery then I am) and I think that makes her quite uncomfortable most of the time.

I know they love me (although I was very dubious about that for many years) but they never made the effort to understand me as a person or to see me as an individual. Each of us was pigeon holed and then dismissed – my brother was the ‘smart one’ my sister was the ‘beautiful one’ and I was the one ‘who can sing’.

My brother is my mother favourite – the sun shines out of his ass and everything he says & does is right. This is particularly annoying in one context for me but I wont go into that here as its business related. The only other time it upsets me is when my sister gets upset by it and that happens pretty regularly.

I am then my mothers next favourite and them my sister trails along waaaaaaaay behind. My mother is very dismissive of my sister – unless she expects her to fix something up or sort out some problem and then she is expected to jump to attention. My sister was an absolute hell-raiser as a child & a teenager – makes me wonder sometimes which came first …

Anyway, it never really bothered me that my brother was my mums special pet – I had my sister and that was all that mattered. I learnt to rely on her for everything. Mel made sure I was dressed in the morning, she changed my nappies, she checked I ate my lunch at school, she bashed up kids who teased me, she leant me her clothes, she taught me to apply makeup, she came to my school sports days & swimming carnivals (something my mother never did), she attended my gymnastics exams (again, mum never bothered), she came to my singing lessons and so forth – in every way she was a mother to me as well as a sister.

I remember once talking to my sister about mum and M was just wild and she demanded to know if it didn’t upset me that mum was the way she was and I just looked at her and shrugged and said “Why would it – I don’t need her, I have you”

It wasn’t until I had been over here for about 4 mths that I finally managed to admit to myself and to my sister that I resented the fact that my mother played so small a part in my life (which has actually made it a pretty big part of my life – now what do you call that again???) and worse, that she didn’t seem to care about the lack. My sister suggested that I write it all out so I jumped on the computer & started typing – 11 ½ pages of resentment, hurt and confusion. I had to keep stopping as I kept getting too upset and I actually even cried.

Amazing how much better I felt afterwards.

I sent it through to my sister and she was rather shocked to read it. She pointed out that it was the same for all of us – only our brother ever got slightly more from our mother then she & I did, it’s just that I couldn’t admit it (I don’t deal well with negative emotions) and that’s what was making it harder for me.

As a result of our upbringing we all find it quite difficult to interact with our mother. My brother and my mother are very very similar which probably explains why they get along better then my sister & I – he asks for less from her (in the emotional sense) then we do so she feels more able to meet his demands but either way, conversation is difficult – we can talk about things (how the business is going, the house, the yard, my aunts etc) but I cannot talk to my mother about emotions or how I am feeling. Practical matters she can understand, hopes & dreams are strictly off limits.

To this day, she still doesn’t see me as a person in my own right – any opinion I have that does not echo hers exactly is simply me repeating what my sister says – clearly I am incapable of forming my own opinion on anything, a concept of hers that drives me crazy but that my sister & I do make endless jokes about now (no matter how badly I fuck up, its always my sisters fault so far as my mother is concerned) we’ve learnt to laugh at what we can’t change.

I always resented that my mother thought she could buy me off with a new toy and to this day I deeply mistrust anyone who tries to ‘buy’ my affection or time – I love gifts and surprises but the motivation behind it is a big thing for me.

I will never be a working mother for the simple reason that I am determined to do the exact opposite of everything my mother did. Many women work and raise perfectly happy well adjusted children - my lack of relationship with her was never due to the fact that she was always working or tired from work & therefore didn’t want to interact with me, my lack of relationship with her stems from her complete inability to relate to me as a child and her refusal to relate to me now as an adult.

It makes me sad that I don’t have a closer relationship with my mother but such is life. I'm no longer angry with her as I accept that she gave us as much of herself as she could.

As a parent, you do the best job you can. It might not be enough for your child but its all you can do. Your relationship with your child will depend upon so much more then if you were there at the school gate to meet them when the bell rang, its more then just going out & buying them toys. Its about seeing them and appreciating them for who they are and realising that they have opinions too and trying to meet their need and more then anything loving them for who they are – even if they aren’t who you would like them to be. If you can do that, I don’t think you can go far wrong.

Fairytales & Real Life

Prompted by Stephs post, ….

Let me tell you a story -

My sister was engaged to a complete a**hole - seriously f**ked up guy who, incidentally, is now dead as he got beaten to death by a group of bikers as he tried to scr*w them over (did I mention he was stupid, too?) Anyway, long before that bit happened, she left him & moved to Brisbane to join the rest of the family. I was in high school at this stage and she'd been in Brisbane for about 6 months & was looking for a real job as she hated modelling and wanted a normal life.

I got home from school one day and wandered into the living room, dumped my bag in the door way and said' how was your day?'

I knew she'd had a job interview that day & I guessed it hadn't gone well as she was sitting bolt upright on the couch staring off into space with an odd look on her face. When I spoke, she blinked, turned her head slowly and looked at me and said blankly 'I just met the man I'm going to marry' (Yes, that look was actually shock)
I looked at her and was like 'wtf??????'
And she said, 'I'm serious, I met the man I am going to marry'

She had gone for the job interview and as she went to open the office door, it was opened from the inside by a man (C), she made eye contact with him and she said 'it was like I'd been punched in the stomach - I couldn't breathe, I couldn't even speak - I just looked at him and thought 'oh my god, its on'

She went in for the interview and C was sitting there flicking through her resume going 'So do you like sport? What types of sport are you into?' M was still in shock and said 'Umm - shouldn't you be asking me about my qualifications?' and C said 'oh no - you've got the job... So what type of sport do you like?'

Up until this point, my future bother in law had been a total player - I wont even bother telling you the stories - we've all heard them before.

Anyhoo - C was seeing 3 girls at the time and he was so scared that M would think he was playing games that he simply refused to take their calls - so she was having to lie to them and in the end she cracked it and told him to get his sh*t together and get rid of them as she wasn't taking messages anymore, so he agreed to take the calls but only if they were on speaker phone and she was in the office with him so she could hear what he was saying to them.

Bear in mind that they hadn't even been on their first date yet.

One day, out of the blue, he said to her, 'So I guess I should probably meet your parents then' He met mum & dad before they had gone on their first date.

The day after they went on their first date ( couple of months after she started working there ) she called him the next morning as soon as she woke up - she said it wasn’t taking a risk or moving too fast – “ its on & we both know it, when it’s a happening thing it’s a happening thing”

The first time she made a move to sleep with him, he said no - it was going to happen, they both knew it was going to happen & that it was going to be great when it did, but that wasn't was this was about…...

They used to work together all day, go out to dinner after work then when the restuarant or bar closed they would sit in the car and hold hands and talk until they fell asleep and at about 4am they would wake up and drive back to their own houses (M was living at home at this stage and C was living with his grandmother as she couldn't live by herself & refused to go into a home) get ready for work & then go do it all again.

Fast forward a year or so later to their engagement and C is standing there, pi**ed as a newt, telling me about when he first met her -

'I knew I had to interview some chick (can you believe he used the word chick??) for the job but figured I had time to run across the road to grab a can of coke first, I opened the door and saw M standing there, thought 'f**k, she's hot' …. and then we made eye contact - it was like I'd been punched in the stomach and I thought, 'holy sh*t - it's on' and that’s the moment I knew it was all over and every day since then has been leading to this (vague gesture towards the engagement party). I rang R and asked him to be my best man when I married M. He was like 'Who the f**k is M??' And I said 'she's the woman I met today & she's the woman I am going to marry' ... if you ever tell your sister I told you this - I will kill you"

C, the ultimate player, knew as soon as he met her that she was the one and he didn't want to risk losing her so he didn't stuff her around, he was totally clear from the beginning where it was going and he never once risked playing games.

M, who after everything that she had been through (and let me assure you, she had been to hell & back) and had never believed in love at first sight - in fact, at that point, she didn't even believe in love - knew the second she laid eyes on him that he was the one.

I am not saying that they have lived happily ever after - they have 2 children now which is always a test of a relationship but even before that - they fought and they got shitty with each other, she’s punched holes in walls (she's an Aries & she's little volatile sometimes) and things were so bad between them at one stage that my parents begged her to come home to take some time out to think about what they wanted.

M just looked at them like they were crazy and said ' You just don't get it do you? No matter how bad things are, we are going to work through it because there is no other option for us, no matter how bad things are with him at the moment, they would be worse without him and at the end of the day, as much as I want to smack his head in right now, I cannot imagine waking up in the morning for the next 50 years and his face not being on the pillow next to mine - this is forever and we both know it. Why do you think when we argue and I walk out of the house and drive off, he doesn't come after me and vice versa? Because we both know that the other person is always coming back - no matter what has been said"

To this day, since they first met, they have never spent more then 48 hours apart.

They restore my faith in relationships.

Relationships do require work, but they shouldn't be hard. (I hope you understand the distinction). The point I making here is simple but at the same time, one that everyone finds hard to grasp - this is why I have told you about them - not because I feel the need to fill 2 pages with a story about people that you don't know, I do actually have some work to do today after all - but because we all think it doesn't happen in real life but it does. It exists. I have seen it.

It's not the fairytale we grew up on – fairytales don’t age or argue (and they never hesitated to argue in front of me, I can assure you of that), they don’t get sick or have mortgages or in-laws – this is better because this is real and it will happen to you one day.

You don’t have to believe it before hand - you just have to believe it when it happens. And when it happens, you will know it. In my sisters words "It picks you up and spins you round and slams you full body length into the wall - believe me, you know"

We all go into relationships looking for the 'one' - because if you are not looking for the 'one' then what are you doing? You are wasting your time and theirs and while you are wasting time, you might just miss your 'one' because you were too busy sorting some other sh*t out that you didn't really need to go through.

I do believe there can be more then one 'one' for each of us and I don’t believe it happens like this for everyone – I think some people will never experience what my sister & her husband have but you have to be open to it in case it does.

One of my housemates has just had it happen to her – she didn’t believe anymore and she’s just been nailed by it. Don’t give up hope but in the meantime, take time out for you, you need to know who you are and what you can bring to the table – what do you have to offer a partner? If you can’t answer that then you are not ready.

OMG

Can you believe i only just realised its Friday??? What the hell is wrong with me ??!!!

In Brief...

GRRRRRR to this stupid website,

Ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch to my sore muscles (they shouldn't still be this sore!),

Yeah for a great hair day,

Damnit to credit card statements,

Oh baby to new lingerie,

Hurrah for pedicures.


In other news I put on my fave suit this morning to go to work and its not so tight as it was last week... Awesome.


Oh - and I saw 2 squirrels playing this morning as I was walking to the tube - they are so cute, I want one!

Good Pain / Bad Pain

Didn't go to Bikram Yoga last night - K2 was 1/2 an hour late so we just didn't make it.

One of my pet hates is waiting for people. Its almost physically painful for me because I am actually a fairly impatient person - if I am going to do something, I want to do it NOW! When K2 finally got there last night (wasn't actually her fault - stupid TFL) we decided that we'd go for dinner instead. We ended up at a Thai place that did the BEST Mussaman Lamb I have had in I don't even know how long. Seriously great. Sorbet for dessert, a bottle of white wine between us & we were so full it hurt to move. We rolled on back to the tube station then off home.

Walking alone at night in London does make me a little nervous, I don't even walk alone at night in Brisbane if I can help it and that is so much safer its ridiculous. I got off the bus (couldn't be bothered walking from the tube to home - so lazy) and there was a group of men standing there talking, I started walking to my house and they then followed me up my street and eventually stopped about 3 doors back from where I live - they didn't stop because that’s where they live or anything - no, they just stopped and stood there silently and watched me while I let myself into the house. That was the second time they have done that and it's a little freaky.

Reality is, kickboxing or no, I am no match for a man when it comes to brute strength and certainly not a match for 4 of them.

I'm just going to stop thinking about that now.

Had a chat to MH when I got home, I have to check to see if I can get tickets to Giselle today - the run ends soon & I really want to see it. On Sat night there is a performance of Vivaldi's Four Seasons in at Covent Garden as well so I am going to try to make it to both. Fingers crossed.

I also have to say, last night I had one of the best orgasms I think I have had by myself - ever. Six was clearly yesterdays lucky number. I was actually in agony it was so hard and I had to bite myself to stop from screaming and I am not a screamer. I even broke the skin which I was giggling about to myself afterwards when I could finally move enough to check why it was hurting so much. Lol. Thank you Bob… long may you reign...

I am in more pain from sore muscles today then I was yesterday, I reached for my hairbrush this morning and my arm simply froze - I couldn't move it but good grief could I feel it! It was like being stabbed. That was bad pain.

In todays 'Rib Watch' …my workmates are making it very difficult for me to stick to my eating plan - since arriving this morning I have been offered:

Tea Cake
A Mr Men Mini Cake (my biggest weakness)
Krispy Kreme Doughnuts (twice!!)
Choc covered marshmallow biscuits (Arnotts mint slice aside, those marshmallow ones are my faves!!)
Double choc muffins
Choc chip cookies

What are they trying to do to me ??!!! Jesus, has it always been like this because if so, no wonder I put on that weight in the first place and if it hasn't always been like this then why now ????????

Just evil.

As someone with very little self control (all my self control is expended on not slapping stupid people, not raping some poor unsuspecting man right now and not shopping until I get my savings back up after the financial holocaust that was Christmas) I find this very unhelpful.

The universe giveth an extra 5 kgs but I don't see the universe taketh'ing away any extra right now, damnit.

Lifes Little lessons...

Just a few things I've picked up along the way and now try to live by ... there are more but I am about to go on lunch..


Main lesson I learnt at school - Look them straight in the eyes and deny you had anything to do with it, so long as you all stick to the one story, they can't prove anything. Eye witnesses be damned.

Another general Life lesson I learnt at school - Generally speaking a practical joke shouldn't seriously injure someone.

Final one from school - In the wrong hands, there's no such thing as a 'weak' explosive... Explosives should be used carefully… make sure there are no eyewitnesses. Perhaps even post scouts... I wish we had.


Never surrender the moral high-ground, so long as your actions have been beyond reproach, you will never find yourself on the defensive.

By the same token, keep up that holier then thou shit & you'll get your head smacked in. It's a fine line.

Don't lie, then it doesn't matter if you talk in your sleep.

If you must lie, the best lies are half truth, half bullshit. They are harder to catch and easier to tell.

No regrets - you make a decision based upon the information you have available at the time. You may not have all the info that you need, you may make the choice that lead you down a dangerous or difficult path and any other choice would have had a better outcome then the one you chose but damnit - you made a choice and its your choice so live with it. At least you had the courage to make one and that choice helped shape the person you are today.

Who you are is pretty damn amazing. You rock.

Don't say that you love someone in spite of their faults - that’s just arrogant, you love someone because of their faults because its what makes them different.

Who decides what a 'fault' is anyway???

Just because you love someone, doesn't mean you always like them very much.

I don't have a problem with my body. If someone else has a problem with my body then that’s exactly what it is - their problem, not mine.

Don't wear a low cowl neck top with no bra if you are going out for a big night on the booze… especially not if there are going to be cameras.

When you are naked in a spa with 5 other girls, do not let boys in the bathroom - one of them will bring a camera for sure.

Do not start a bubblebath fight when in a spa with 5 other girls and the boys are there with a camera, the pics situation aside, you will flood the bathroom, hallway and bedroom. This is a bitch to clean up in the middle of a party and will result in the xbox being permanently stuffed.

No one wants pictures of the night before emailed to them at work.

Always remember to take your shoes off before you go swimming in a fountain.

Waterproof mascara is your friend.

Its sometimes very hard to get a cab home when you are dripping wet.

Sometimes brutal honesty is far more effective at pulling people out of the blues then all the sympathy in the world.

When something goes wrong, don't tell someone that 'it's ok' Its not fucking ok, if it was ok then they wouldn't be upset, would they? If you must use the word 'ok' then say 'It's not OK right now, but it's going to be'

Being protective of your friends is a good thing, but sometimes you need to refuse to run to the rescue so that they can learn to deal with lifes challenges on their own - no matter how hard it is to stand by and watch your loved ones fuck up, there are lessons that they have to learn on their own. Make sure you are there to help pick up the pieces though.

Some people can see or do any number of wild and crazy things and still retain a certain innocence. Treasure them.

The little wire thingies in toasters never go back in properly. Ever.

No one likes the person who says 'I told you so' even if they did in fact tell you so.

As a matter of fact yes, the needle in a sewing machine really WILL go right through your finger. (I wonder if this is where my needle phobia came from??)

Knives + toasters are a big mistake.

If you get thrown accross the otherside of the room due to an electric shock, hope that you don't land on a table.

Don't ever rip a dressing off fast unless you have checked that it hasn't actually stuck to the scab (the skin around it is ok, but not when its stuck to the scab). It really fucking hurts.

By the time you hear your niece say 'Auntie, I can't wash this paint off' its already too late.

Never leave expensive make up brushes lying round where your nieces will think they are paint brushes.

Always lock your car door with your keys - then you can never accidentally lock the keys in the car with the engine still running.

Never buy a car you cant break into.

RACQ membership is a very good thing… one day, you should probably get around to buying it…

When trying to change the tyre on a car, no matter how much it hurts, do not kick the tyre after you break a nail - it'll scuff your shoes.

If you don't know how to change a tyre, make sure your father has enough employees that they can afford to send one out to you (wherever you may be) to change it for you.

Try to get a boss who will accept 'I had a flat tyre and had to wait for one of my dad's staff to come change it for me' as a valid excuse for being 2 hours late to work.

Make sure you keep a ready supply of Rescue Remedy on hand for that boss.

Don't be the office gossip - collect gossip (there is no such thing as useless information), cause gossip (if you really want to) but don't spread it.

Never play where you're paid.

Don't ever go near a Clydesdale in bare feet and if it steps on your foot, go get an x-ray.. chances are that its not 'just bruised'... really....

"But they're so beautiful" is not a good enough reason to keep wearing a pair of shoes that leave you with bleeding feet, scars and blisters so bad that for the four days following a big night out you can only wear haviana's and you cant walk properly.

Sometimes there is such a thing as being too nice.

When your back's against the wall, come out fighting. You may still go down, but you may just also surprise yourself.

Never say die.

You can do anything that pops into your head - so long as you can meet your own eyes in the mirror the next morning, that’s all that matters. Screw anyone else's opinion.

If it’s a life and death situation, life is the better option.

Don’t ever let someone take naked pics of you and keep them - you never know where they will end up.

Ditto for sex tapes.

Make sure your friend never tells her partner about things you have gotten up to that you don't want generally known.

When you find out that a friend has done all 3 of those things and her now ex partner is making all of them public, try to resist the urge to slap her. She's probably stressed enough.

Always be nice to bikers - you never know when you'll need them to scare someone into submission.

Never swim against an undertow, no matter how freaked out you are.

Always swim in pairs at the beach - then if a hungry shark comes along, there's a 50% chance it wont attack you.

When camping in an area where there are crocodiles, always zip the tent up when you leave otherwise you may have an unexpected visitor when you return.

City people do not find it amusing when you go catch a 'baby' crocodile and bring it back to the campsite for them to see (oh for Gods sake - it was only about 3 foot long).

When driving in the country, always carry a gun.

And bullets.

Learn to shoot a gun.

When setting up a campsite, try not to swear too much at the people helping you - even if they are incompetent fools, it upsets them.

When you cant decide which pair of shoes to buy, buy all of them.

If you find an amazing pair of shoes, buy 2 pairs the same, then when you have worn the first pair out, you wont be quite so devastated.

Waterproof all your shoes before you wear them for the first time.

If you are so drunk that you need to go throw up before you can drink anymore, odds are on that you probably don’t actually need to drink anymore.. You should probably still go throw up though - better to choose the time & place then have it decided for you.

Everything in moderation. Except shoes.

If you want to take drugs then take them, but never lose sight of the fact that its not a sustainable lifestyle and you should then be able to walk away or not as you choose.

Addiction is all in your mind - if you really wanted to stop, you would. End of story.

For a woman, finding the perfect partner is all about the bastard factor - they've got to be just enough of a bastard to keep you on your toes but not so much of one that you feel like you are constantly banging your head against a brick wall... Men, same thing applies - just substitute the word 'bitch' for 'bastard' ... My sister taught me this one...

Good lingerie will make you feel like a million dollars - even on a crap day.

When applying make up, less is more.

Get your hair trimmed regularly, split ends are not a good look.

Don't ever let anyone near your hair with bleach that you wouldn't let sleep in the same bed as your partner. You gotta have a whole lot of trust…

Classic, quiet elegance is far better then loud, up to the minute fashion.

Pearls, like diamonds, never go out of fashion.

Unless they are natural, blondes do not have more fun - they just spend more time getting their roots touched up.

Pale skin that doesn't tan is not a curse - in 20 years time your skin will still be amazing while all the tanning addicts will look like leather.

Every parent does the best job they are capable of - it may not have been enough for you but they tried.

Every parent has favourites, if its not you, deal with it.

It's not easy to claw your way back from rock bottom but it can be done.

Saying 'I love you' is simultaneously wonderful and terrifying.

But 'No' is the hardest thing to say.

Everyone is someone elses idiot.

Don't be a victim - sometimes bad things happen to good people and you can't control that. What you can control is how you deal with - you can sit there in a metaphorical heap for the rest of your life snivelling about how badly done by you were or you can pick yourself up, dust yourself off, learn the lesson and move on.

Don't trust anyone else on the road with a licence - they have no idea what they are doing.

It's people like you that cause people like me to have accidents so get off my road.

I speed and I masturbate - deal with it. (I SO want to get a sticker on my car that says this)

Speedlimits are more in the nature of a rough guideline for people who shouldn't have a licence anyway.

Don't drink drive - cos when they brand the words 'bloody idiot' on your forehead you are going to look like such a fool.

Don't drug drive - cos it's very hard to avoid the zebras and the starfish and some idiot always bricks in underneath an overpass.

The worst thing that ever happened to you is really not that big a deal - take a step back, remove the emotion and realise how lucky you are that that is the worst thing that ever happened to you - it could have been much worse.

Every time an ambulance goes past with its lights flashing & sirens blaring, remember that it could just as easily be you in there and then go on with your day thankful that its not.

Hugs rock.

The 'recommended dosage' on the back of the packet is purely a 'recommendation'.

If you are healthy, you are lucky, enjoy it - millions pray for it.

If you are loved, then you are blessed, rejoice in it - millions crave it.

If you are happy, try to share it - you have what millions of people will never have or understand.

There are 3 stages to happiness - happiness, unhappiness and that one in the middle where you are not unhappy. Many people exist in that middle stage and will never realise in their whole life that the absence of unhappiness doesn't actually equal happiness.

The glass really is half full.

Hope springs eternal. If you don't have hope, why do you bother getting out of bed in the morning?

Faith - in yourself and in others is essential for happiness.

Smile - because life is beautiful.

Always remember that life is like sex - even when its bad, it's good.