Going Home

Dollops’s comment and a few things that other people have said have set me to thinking today…

When I first decided that I was going to come overseas, one of my friends from work who had come over here for a year told me that people who move overseas are either searching for something or running from something. In my case, it was a bit of both.

Sometimes it is so easy to get caught up in your life that you just don’t have time to stop and think about if its actually making you happy. You don’t have time to stop & think ‘Is this what I want?’

My social life back home is insane. I have a couple of different groups of friends who don’t really mix well together – one bunch is a huge group of rowdy, party hard drinkers (these are the ones I end up naked in spa’s with), I have the ones from school who are not big drinkers, love going to restaurants or café’s for a late brunch to catch up and who have children or are in serious relationships and then I have my sister who is down the coast (and a couple of people who we have kept in touch with from the ‘old days’) who I try to spend as much time with as possible. These are my ‘main’ friends and then there are individuals that are separate.

As a result, I very rarely have spare time. Going back to work on Monday is normally a relief for me. I came over here in June last year, in the 8 months prior to that, I had 1 weekend that I managed to keep free (and I did that by cancelling plans) in order to rest & recover. Every weeknight after work was busy as well, I never ever got a quiet night at home in front of the TV.

Sat & Sun were normally totally insane. My own birthday party was 3 weeks late because my schedule was so busy I couldn’t book it in before then and I started planning that party 4 months in advance. You know your life is crazy when your friend calls and says she wants to have a party, when can you make it and you have to tell her that you can’t make it for5 mths, “but if you make it this particular night, I can come for a couple of hours before I have to go to something else… “ 5 fucking months!!!! I even had to schedule visits to my sister in months in advance. Sometimes I didn’t get to see her for a couple of months because I was just so busy.

And to think that I class myself as disorganised…

I’m not really complaining (and I’m not actually boasting either – believe me, its nothing to boast about, its bloody exhausting) but sometimes I would have given anything for a quiet life. Just for some time out to work out where I was & where I wanted to go.

Coming overseas allowed me to do several things, I did actually want to come overseas to explore – that was a major part of it. But a ‘bonus’ was the fact that it gave me a perspective that distance can give – in my case it had to be physical distance as it was impossible to get time otherwise. I needed time to look back and review.

By nature I love to please people and sometimes I say ‘yes’ when I should say ‘no’ because I don’t like to hurt peoples feelings and I don’t like to let people down. I can get so caught up in trying to be everything to everyone that I forget about what I want. This time has helped me a lot with that.

It’s also very hard to break habits when you are in the same situation – coming over here put me in a new environment which allowed me to choose which behaviours I wanted to keep and which I wanted to discard without having to battle with peoples preconceived ideas of me. Hopefully by the time I go home those new habits will be so deeply ingrained that I wont just revert back to type because its easier then making people accept that things have changed a little.

Its been good for my friends too. One of my friends in particular, B has been in a string of terrible relationships from bad to worse, the first one she tried to commit suicide over and believe it or not it actually went downhill from there (who even knew that was possible???) The last one was an ‘ex’ heroin addict who had spent 7 years in jail for god only knows what and tried to stab her during an argument. As she isn’t a ‘gangsters moll’ kind of girl, it was very frustrating for me to watch. I finally managed to get her to see that he was bad for her and she broke up with him, I then managed to get her to see that there was a pattern here and she needed to declare herself a man free zone in order to work on those issues, but so long as I was around to talk to every week, she never sought professional help and while I am very good with people, I am not a professional and there is only so much I can do. When I came over here, because I was no longer right there for her, she got professional help and she’s moving ahead in leaps & bounds. I’m so proud of her I could just burst. As I said, I am very protective of my friends but I have learnt that sometimes you need to take a step back & let them work it out for themselves.

Its been hard because I miss my family so much, particularly my sister and her husband & their little girls. The oldest G is always asking me when I am coming home because she misses me and wants to play. My sister has cried on the phone a few times because she misses me so much. Its very hard for her that I am away as she doesn’t actually have that many female friends. Many women annoy her – she’s very strong and very smart & she’s a straight shooter – women who lie and bitch and moan annoy the hell out of her. Add to that the fact that she is also an extraordinarily attractive woman who is still a size 6 after 2 kids and jealousy becomes a major issue as well. I don’t think she’s ever really recognised that as the problem though. But as I said, not a lot of female friends so very few people to talk to.

So yes, its not been easy in many ways, but its also been just awesome. I’ve learnt so much about myself and seen so many things that fill me with such wonder that this trip was one of the smartest things I have ever done. I was searching for myself and running from myself at the same time and I’m not anymore.

This blog has helped too – because I do have difficulty talking about things I regard as ‘negative’ I find it easier to write about them. I’ve already posted my 2 issues and doing so was immensely cathartic for me. There may be a couple more lurking round somewhere but if so I don’t know what they are and I promise to give fair warning if I can :-) Now I’ve got them out of my head rather then just swirling round inside my brain taking up space I need for more positive things, I can stop looking back and start looking forward - because that’s what life is all about after all.

I am looking forward to coming home – to see my family, to catch up with my friends and because quite simply I am an Aussie at heart. I love Europe and its made me hungry to see the rest of the world as well but I miss Australia, I miss the sense of humour, I miss the sunshine, the beach, the space, the smell of the air, the colours and the indefinable something that is ‘home’

I particularly miss NOT freezing my ass off all day every day.

This time away has made me aware of just what I have back there and now that I have learnt to stand on my own 2 feet I’m looking forward to seeing what remains the same and what changes. All I know is that there are going to be changes. I am not prepared to settle anymore. I want it all.