Deep in thought

You know the day is off to an interesting start when you open your email ac to find an email waiting for you with a subject line that reads –

“Because you know so much”

And an opening line of –

“When I have figured out women, I will be far better off in this world - this I can assure you.“

Should I tell the poor bastard that he never will?? Anymore then we are ever going to work men out?? Or should I leave him with hope??

And why do people assume I know so much about relationships???

Considering my track record… pfft!

Although, as it happens, I could help in this instance which was quite good.

After we spoke for an hour or so – general chit chat and then talking about his woman, he asked me what I was up to & when I was coming home.

He was the second person to point out to me today that I may be better off just coming home now, rather then waiting a couple of months… I’m tempted… Lord knows, I am tempted…

Even better, he said that earlier today, he was looking at job op’s at the bank that he works at and seeing what would suit me – there are a few there that he thinks I would be interested in, all totally different to what I have done previously but that’s part of the fun and he also knows how much I have hated certain aspects of my previous jobs and the company that he works for not only pays better but has a great reputation.

It was pointed out to me twice today that by the time I get a job and get settled into it, it will be time to quit and come home.

Add those to the list of reasons to come home early…. It’s getting longer.

I do want to come home – so badly I can almost taste it, but I also know I am going to miss everyone over here terribly and I am still having fun.. Although not as much fun as I know is waiting for me when I get home... the first month (or 3) is going to be a little crazy I think. I don’t know that those are good enough reasons to stay longer though, because what am I actually accomplishing?

Time to surface

So, clearly I have gotten the hang of this doing nothing business.

I’m quite enjoying it. (and not just because of that)

I stay awake all night chatting to people back home and then sleep for a few hours of the morning, wake up, laze in bed for a couple of hours then get up, go watch some TV while having some breakfast (I’m on a grapefruit binge at the moment, I just adore it).

Then I usually go back to bed for a little while… drift around the house talking to everyone as they come home from work etc, talk to my housemates until they go to bed then jump online again.

Life is tough.

I really do need to pull my finger out (pfft) and actually look for a job though, 1st step is probably answering my phone when it rings, I guess it’s a bit hard for the agency to send me for interviews if they can’t get hold of me.


Sat I was going to try to go to the British Museum – didn’t make it. Stayed in bed and played instead. I am determined to get there again sometime soon though. I do so love it.

Sun I left the house (amazing!) to go to lunch with the girls. We stuffed ourselves and then headed to Selfridges, we’d been there for about an hour when K2 announced that she was hungry again (wtf??) so we all went and had afternoon tea (never let it be said that we refused food) and then continued shopping (I was so good – again!).

That afternoon, after avoiding several conversations that still sort of weirded me out a little, the girls decided that they were dragging me out for cocktails (our answer for everything - feeling a little off kilter?? Drink!). At least, we were heading for cocktails, until whilst walking to the cocktail bar, we passed a dim sum restaurant that none of us had ever noticed before and decided to stop in there for an early dinner.

It was lovely inside but the cocktail list was as average as the wait staff – in the end I got up and went and found someone to take our order (so I’m impatient – sue me!) I didn’t even drink. The food however, was fucking awesome. We ate ourselves stupid (again!) and then decided that we were tired so all rolled ourselves home.

I think I know where all my money goes – food, then booze, then shopping.

Just a sneaking suspicion.

Between the 4 of us, we spent nearly £300 on food yesterday… tell me how the hell we managed that??? Actually, I should say - ‘between the 3 of them,’ because I didn’t spend any money on food – as I am not working at the moment, no one will let me pay for anything, even when I point out that I have money in the bank etc, they still insist and K2 got quite cranky at me when I tried to pay for afternoon tea. She’s going to make a great mum one day – she scolded me!

She pointed out that I would insist on doing the same if it was one of them and I have to admit I would. Its just weird though.

MH has a date tonight that she was trying to convince K2 and I to come along on as well (go figure) but we finally convinced her that you can’t rock up on a first date with your 2 besties in tow (I mean, really, can you ???) …I am sure it will make for interesting conversation at dinner this week though.


Finally, I learnt something (shut up – it’s been known to happen).

Sharing worries and concerns with someone doesn’t always halve them – sometimes, it seems, sharing them results in their being obliterated altogether… Isn’t that interesting?

Something to remember…

Mission..... Aborted.

Yeah, I know.

I'm slack.

But I will leave the house tomorrow. For sure.

I kind of have to.

I need bread & batteries.

Mission

My mission for Thursday is to actually get out of bed and leave the house.

Even if its just to go to the corner store.

I am getting the hang of doing nothing.

Heh.

Another Lesson Learned

A few people I know have been a little baffled by the fact that I willingly keep in touch with my ex’s.

Last night, I learned a very valuable lesson – when I kept in touch with Cheating ex after we first broke up, it was because, deep down, I really wanted him to admit that he was wrong to cheat on me and apologise, sincerely for having hurt me. When I finally worked out that any apology he offered was going to be a crock because he simply isn’t capable of being honest with himself, let alone anyone else, I decided that it wasn’t worth keeping in touch with him... The fact that he then continued to try to stay in touch with me in completely irrelevant here – don’t get me started on that.

Last night I realised that I kept in touch with Lying ex for pretty much the same reason …and really, it doesn’t even matter anymore.

The night before last we had been chatting online and he brought something up about when we were together and I told him to simply stop right there – I didn’t want to discuss it, it was over and done with. We ended up having a mini-argument, I then said I had to go (not actually true, I was just wanted to chat to someone else who was more important and didn’t want him distracting me). He signed off with a farewell message that, frankly, I can’t even cut & paste here and was so graphic it actually made me go bright red.

Anyway, last night I jumped online and he was on again. He started talking and he was being rather filthy - not that that offends me per se, its simply that I didn’t want to hear it from him - I told him that clearly, he really needs to get laid right now.

I walked right into that one.

He then started talking about how he couldn’t wait for me to get home… err… and so forth… (c’mon, I don’t really need to spell it out for you, do I ?) I sort of pointed out that it wouldn’t be doing him any good when I did – he wasn’t showing up anywhere on my list of things to do (pardon the pun).

He got a little offended.

We then ended up having an argument – well, it wasn’t so much an argument, I wasn’t arguing, I wasn’t even angry or upset, he was though, I was just bored. I think the nicest thing he said about me (I wasn’t really paying much attention) was that I am ‘straight down the line’ and ‘very harsh’ ... Apparently … I can live with that, although I do find it moderately amusing as other people tell me I am too soft. Go figure.

In the end I had to explain that at the end of the day, I really didn’t care what he thought, I don’t care what he says or what he does, feel etc and that was pretty much that.

I’ve blocked him now.

Humph

So on Friday I went & saw the agency. That was pleasant.

They are going to contact me on Monday about another job but frankly, I don’t think I want it. I don’t know anything about it but if it means having to work for them, then I just don’t even want to go there.

Soooo… back to office work for me I guess.

*sigh*

That means that Monday is allllll about agencies. I really despise having to go do the interview thing. It bores me to tears.

Sorry, I am in a whinging mood at the moment.


So, getting back to it, after I spoke to the agency I was so fucked off I went and had a massage to try to calm me down.

It was the BEST god damn massage I have ever had. I have bruises on my back and shoulders from where he was trying to get the knots out – I was lying there whimpering in pain it hurt so much but fuck it was good! He was getting a bit worried because it was hurting his hands he was massaging so hard but I just kept telling him to go harder. He was using his elbows at one stage – I was in heaven. I hate it when I get a massage and afterwards I feel like all they did was smooth some oil in – make it count damnit!

I’ll be going back there.


Sat morning MH, LH and I headed into Leicester Square, had breakfast and then went to the National Portrait Gallery to see an exhibition of Angus McBeans portrait photography which was incredible – I have seen a couple of his portraits before but this was awesome.

Then wandered around the rest of the gallery for a while before heading to Carluccios for lunch (penne with courgette, chilli, garlic, butter & deep fried spinach balls – simple but oh so good) then wandered around Oxford & Bond Sts for a while, ended up in Selfridges (for something different) for afternoon tea (again, how unusual!) ….

I found the hottest boots EVA (heh) but they are also rather expensive – even I can’t quite justify that.

I’ll work on it though, you can be sure of that.


Somehow I ended up being the shopping nazi for the day – I was responsible for making sure that no one bought anything. I know why I rarely hold that position now – because I am actually quite crap at it – LH spent a quick £50 while I wasn’t looking and another £60 while I was, MH spent about £100… WHY do people keep trying to make me be responsible??? I don’t understand and you would think they would know better by now ffs! I was having enough trouble controlling myself – as if I had any control left over to give to anyone else ??!!

I was good.

It sucked.


We left there at about 7.30pm and went home to collapse. I spent a couple of hours soaking in the bath tub by candle light and then passed out for a couple of hours before I was woken up by a text message.

Very little sleep as a result and what I did get was restless - but I can live with it. Normally if you wake me up, someone had better be already bloody dying and if they aren't, they soon will be. There are exceptions to every rule.


Sun I spoke to my sister – mum & dad had been down for the weekend and she had told them about my current status ('unemployed bum' is the technical term, I belive). She was smart enough to make sure that mum had half a glass of wine in her before she said anything though (Mum is a cadbury’s girl – 1 glass and she’s pissed, another half and she will pass out… clearly my tolerance for alcohol is not inherited from her).

M listened to mum have a breakdown about it for as long as she could handle it and when she finally couldn’t take any more, she topped up mum’s wineglass – problem solved – 10 mins later mum was passed out on the couch.

By the time I spoke to mum, she had calmed down to the point where it was only a mini breakdown – thank fuck for that. I calmed her down as best I could – the only thing that would really make her feel better at this point, I suspect, would be for me to return home on the next flight out of here.

She’ll get over it.

Dad, of course, was fine.


As soon as I got them off the phone I went back to bed. Lol

Dragged myself out of bed at about 2.30 when LH suggested we go do some grocery shopping. Managed to leave the house at 3.30 and off we went.

LH is on a health kick at the moment so shopping with her may not have been such a good idea – I wasn’t allowed to put any crap in the trolley because then she might want it too. *Sigh* I have a lot of fruit in the crisper at the moment… and no bloody ice-cream… bitch.

I did however make soup this afternoon – pea and ham - well, proccuitto, actually, but details schmetails.

Its damn good too.

And that’s about it for me.

Nothing of any note really – nothing exciting happening and yet I’ve still managed to fill 2 pages with crap.

What can I say – its an art.

Wish me luck for tomorrow - well, mainly for patience really.

Mwah

How did I get SO MUCH 'stuff' ??!!

I don't understand how I managed to get so much 'stuff' in a year.

I am on a serious 'de-clutter' kick at the moment.

SS & I got a storage unit together a while ago & I have had nothing in there all this time, I am using my time off to get rid of some crap that I don't think I need.

I am being absolutely ruthless at the moment. I am even *gasp* throwing out shoes!

*peers around looking for bolt of lightning*

I have so much crap. I am going to keep it in storage until i go home, if I haven't needed it before i go home then its not getting shipped home as i clearly don't need it.

It's quite liberating doing this, isn't it ??



In other news, I spoke to my sister and told her about leaving my job & she said she wasn't surprised - she knows me so well.

And as all good big sisters should, she has said that she'll be the one to tell my mum.

Hahahahahaha - bless her, I so didn't feel like listening to my mum have a heart attack and totally fucking stress out - she stresses me out when she does that and I just don't have the patience right now.


I hate not having a job.

How do dole bludgers do it ????????

Escape from Hell

Sooooo…..

About a month and a half ago, I started having trouble sleeping. Running on about 2 –3 hours a night isn’t exactly ideal but I put it down to text messages at all hours and serious fucking frustration. I can live with that.

Then I started getting headaches again.

Then I went off my food. (And we all know how much I love food).

Then, finally, I was speaking to C and mentioned all of the above, just in passing.

Sometimes, I’m really not terribly observant. Lucky I have her around.

C pointed out that the only time she had ever known me to suffer from insomnia, migraines and loss of appetite, was when I was insanely fucking stressed out by a job that I had that I seriously fucking despised – as in, if I had a choice between slitting my wrists or going to work, I would have to seriously stop to think about which to do that day…. She suggested that I get the hell out of there ASAP.

I thought about it for a while and then discovered that I have another stress level beyond those – when there is one person in particular causing my stress, I then start to want to throw up every time I hear their voice.

So I called the agency – they were fucking useless but they did manage to get me out of there in 5 days.

So I am now free!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I went & stayed with SS last night and went out and got exceptionally drunk.

2 bottles of red, a bottle of Dom, then out to the pub where I had 3 vodkas, on to the next pub where we had 2 bottles of cava (*gag* not my idea to drink that btw, I bear NO responsibility for that choice!) then home to drink another bottle of dom and a bottle of Laurent-Perrier.

No wonder we were pissed – we forgot to eat dinner.

SS threw up and doesn’t even remember it. Heh.

I did have to sleep with one hand on the floor to anchor me so I knew where I was in the spinning room but apart from that, I was fine… until this morning.

I felt a little queasy.

We finally dragged our sorry carcasses out of bed at about 12 and then caught a train to London.


Tonight was dinner with the girls – Thai – and no booze for once, I think I might take a couple of days off… Dinner was lovely but I still am not eating much. Now my stress is about not having a job. I hate not working, it drives me crazy.

Money isn’t a problem – I have more then enough in the bank right now, so its not that I need to worry about that, its more that I get nervous without that security blanket.

So I need to make some decisions – do I go back to doing what I was doing previously or go do live in care somewhere else? There’s a few other things I am turning over in my mind at the moment right now too.



Anyway, enough of the crap stuff – let’s get onto the fun bit!

I bought new shoes (naturally) to celebrate my escape from hell – lavender silk with ankle ties and cross over straps at the front – very pretty.

I will try to get a pic of them online for you. They are a low heel (for me) I wasn’t even going to try them on when I saw they were only 3 ½ inches high but SS bullied me and once they were on my feet I fell in love.

Call of the night last night –

SS & I called another or our ex work mates who is over here who she used to shag.

SS: (talking about a girl he recently met) So are you going to fuck her then?
Ex-shag: I already did!
SS: Oh – so are you gonna fuck her again??
Ex-Shag: Yeah
SS: Well she can’t have been too bad then, that’s good!

I was sitting there looking at her going "Take you anywhere once! And a second time to apologise!!"

Shocker. I still cant believe she said it (more because of the way she said it – you kind of had to be there)… It was fucking funny though.

Other amusing moments today include …

LH, MH & I were flicking channels and came across Jurassic Park on tv, MH paused for a moment and it’s a generic scene where there are humans and dinosaurs on screen at the same moment and car of some sort,

LH: Is this a movie or a documentary?
Me: What do you mean, ‘a documentary?’
LH: Well, like, aren’t they endangered or something? Why would those people be allowed so close to them?
Me: Are you serious?
LH: What???
Me: Have you been sniffing glue???? Darl, you need to lay off the crack.
LH: What ??!! Why do you say that???? I was just asking !!
Me: LH, they’re fucking dinosaurs – they’re extinct, not endangered! They’re all fucking dead and have been for ..oooohhh…. roughly 65 million years?!
LH: Oh, yeah I thought that was a little odd that they were showing people with them!
Me: ……..

MH just listened, bemused.

I love LH, I really do, but sometimes…. I worry….

The scary thing is that she’s actually quite clever. I think sometimes the satellite link goes down and the messages just don’t get through. *sigh*

*Groan*

Ack - I think I ate too much...

Tonight I had dinner with D, LH & MH.

I cooked.

I cheated in that I did simple stuff, but it was bloody good if i say so myself.

We started with prawns, smoked salmon & cream cheese (and it was fucking good cream cheese too - I am SO going back to that deli) with fresh dill.

Then we had lamb chops roasted with fresh rosemary & garlic, serves on creamy mash (with a bit of sweet chilli chopped very fine and stirred through it with the cream & butter, trust me on this, it fucking ROCKS) and gravy made from the drippings.

Then I made butterscotch tart (which was the only reason i offered to cook in the first place - I REALLY wanted some butterscotch tart, lol).

And seeing as I made too much pastry, i used the left overs to make a jam roly poly.


Perhaps I should have skipped lunch.


But the best, the absolute BEST thing that happened to me today was this - D bought me a bottle of red cordial AND a packet of mint slice... does it honestly get any better then that??? I don't think so!!!!!!!

So damn happy right now!

Or is that the booze?????

Officially an idiot

You know how I said I cancelled on D on Thursday night???

Well it turned out I had double booked for that night and totally forgotten about it.

You know what the other thing I was supposed to be doing on Thursday night was???

I was supposed to be at the Bolshoi Ballet watching Swan Lake.

Fuckwit.

Fri went shopping with MH - a quick £1500 (hers) later we dropped the stuff off at her place and then headed back into Covent Garden for Fri night drinks - was a great night - got a little messy with the girls. Sat breakfast at Carlucchio's then shopping again, mainly for LH this time although MH did get a few more things.

I was so good - all I bought was a watch (shut up - it's very pretty and I needed a new one), Chanel liquid eyeshadow (I had that shade already but i've lost it & its my fave so I had to get it again), lipstick (Chanel have new ones out...oooohhhh... pretty....), and I FINALLY found a pair of chocolate brown flats so I had to get them - I've been seaching for months!

That was all I got, how good am I???

I have been running on about 3 hours sleep a night for the last 3 - 4 weeks now. I am so fucked. On Sat I was so tired i felt ill and had to sit in the bookshop for a couple of hours and rest while MH & LH went & did some recon so I wouldn't have to waste time looking in shops that had nothing they were interested in (they wouldn't buy anything unless it had my seal of approval, i should make a career out of this shit).

Still too cranky about the ballet to type more now.

Have a great day.

Mmmmmm

.

Soooo... That was a big day of fuck all!

I went to bed at around 5am, it took me a while to get to sleep but slept like the dead for a couple of hours then was wide awake again, managed to get back to sleep for a little longer but finally gave up.

Spent some time chatting to friends, arranged to meet a friend for lunch, then cancelled meeting my friend for lunch when I realised I should have left the house already but hadn't dragged my ass off the sofa, so after a shower, back to bed it was!

I spent most of the day trying to give myself RSI again so that was quite nice. Sort of. It would have been much nicer if it actually solved the problem but seeing as I only got about 5 - 10 mins respite between bouts, it didn't really accomplish a whole hell of a lot. Ah well, tis good for my skin and circulation, I am told.

Showered again as I was actually intending to leave the house - I was supposed to be meeting D for dinner but in the end I decided that a) I couldn't be fucked and b) as I really do want one, it was best I wasn't alone with him and quantities of alcohol, so I postponed it to Fri night when all the others will be around as well so I won't need to worry about it, so I went back to bed (hey, what else was I going to do??)

Spent some time catching up with my housemates, soaked in a candlelit bath for an hour or so with a glass of red wine and some Sinatra and here I am!

Phew!! What a day!!!

Tomorrow I am going shopping with MH - she has taken the day off work so we can go shopping as she wants a make over - tomorrow is hair and clothes, Sat we will do make up & accessories.

This is going to be fun.....

You've come a long way baby...

The week before the wedding, we all made sure we were in town – we all took time off work, everyone who needed to, flew in and we kicked her husband-to-be out of the house and spent the last week together – all the girls, as we haven’t been since finishing high school – just hanging out, laughing, spending every waking moment of the day together… this time the alcohol was legal and we didn’t have to hide the pot.

It was very important to us to have that week together – she was the first of us to get married and although we all had our reservations, we had asked her several times if she was sure that this was what she wanted and if she wanted to change her mind, she was to let us know immediately and we would take care of everything. After that week, we all knew that there was no going back, even if the marriage ended, it was simply going to be impossible to rewind the clock.

On the day of the wedding, we ll got up and headed to B’s mother’s house – Mrs B had offered to let us all get ready there as it was near to the wedding venue and Mrs B knew us all very well from highschool, she was also appalled that C’s parents had refused to attend and felt that if C’s mother wouldn’t help her get ready, then someone had to stand in her place and she was happy to take the role on.

She needn’t have worried though, this was C’s wedding day and in a way, it was our day too. SA did up her corset, B made sure her stockings were both perfectly even and snapped the suspenders on, A laced up the back of her dress and I tied the bow in the laces as SA helped her put her shoes on. I did up the necklace as B handed her her earrings and I smoothed stray tendrils of hair back into place.

When we finally turned her around to look in the mirror, we were all crying. It was hard to believe that this beautiful, elegant, poised and glossy woman was the same ungainly, uncoordinated and shy teenager that we had first met all those years ago.

After the pictures, she cleared everyone out of the room and sent them on ahead except for us, we all gathered and wrapped our arms around each others waists and rested our foreheads against each others, facing in, we all took a deep breath and just relaxed against each other in silence. After a few moments, she raised her head and we all looked at each other, smiled and stood back to let her lead us from the room.

That afternoon she married a man who would ultimately break her heart and reduce her to a shadow of herself. A man who went out drinking with the last of their money while she sat at home with a 3 week old baby and nothing in the cupboard but half a loaf of stale bread. A man who never actually became one – he was still a boy.

Yesterday could not have been more different – the dress was black, not cream, the flowers were hot pink not red, there was no veil, no reception, no bridesmaids and no friends – SA is on a ship in the middle of the ocean (we don’t even know which one), B is in China, A is out bush and I am here. Yesterday, she married a man who loves her, who made her realise that sex is not a chore, who puts her first, who treats her with respect and who is an amazing father to her son.

I wish I could have been there.

And the word for the week is …

‘Fuck’

… in all its variations…

For example –

"I can’t fucking believe you expect me to drive you across London"

"Fuck – how about next time you tell me I need to turn before I pass the street?!"

"Oh fuck… I was supposed to stop there, wasn’t I?"

"If you 2 don’t shut the fuck up, I’ll kick you both out and then you can BOTH fucking walk back to London"

"FFFUUUUUUUCCCCKKK!!"
"What?? I saw them coming!!"

"I’m sorry, I know you don’t need to know this, but I really need a fuck right now"
"I second the motion!"
"Can we not talk about this while I’m driving? I need to concentrate, damnit!!"

"Ummm… can you NOT text while driving?"
"Fuck off"

"Fuck this is hot!" (We were eating Indian)

"Well this is fucking boring"

"Ummmm…"
"Where the fuck are we?"
"Yeah"
"No fucking clue!"
"Excellent!"

"AARRRGH!"
"The ‘holy fuck’ bars are there to be used you idiot!"

"You feral fucking pig!!!"
"What??!!"
"You just farted again, didn’t you !"
"Of course!" (laughs his ass off)

(To self) "I’m going to kill them – I swear to fucking god, I am going to kill them"

"I fucking hate gays"
"You are one"
"I know, but I still fucking the them"

"Fuck you!"
"I don’t like your tone!"
"Umm… fuck you??"
"Better"

"Get out!!! And take the fucking cat with you!"
"I know you don’t like pussy but that’s ridiculous!"

"Fuckity fuck fuck fuck !"

So, since Monday morning I have driven – from my place to Canary Wharf, from Canary Wharf to Cardiff, From Cardiff to Bristol, Bristol to Bath, Bath to Heathrow, Heathrow to my place.

Lucky I enjoy driving.

It might have been a bit more fun if I knew what the speed limits are and what all the road signs mean…

Heh.


Xoxox

Speaking of the word of the week, I am in serious amounts of pain these days.

I go to bed hungry, any sleep I get is restless & broken, I wake up aching and it’s not getting any better – in fact, it’s getting worse.

I haven’t slept properly in a couple of weeks and I am really starting to get very tired.

This sucks.

Xoxox

Speaking of sucks, if I was told that I had to spend the rest of my life in this benighted country, I would live in Bath.

Bath is just the most beautiful city – I love it more each time I visit.

Xoxox

I went shopping today – I bought presents for my nieces and for MS’s little girl (she is SO cute!)

I didn’t buy anything for me – I’m so good!

That will change this week.