Lifes Little lessons...

Just a few things I've picked up along the way and now try to live by ... there are more but I am about to go on lunch..


Main lesson I learnt at school - Look them straight in the eyes and deny you had anything to do with it, so long as you all stick to the one story, they can't prove anything. Eye witnesses be damned.

Another general Life lesson I learnt at school - Generally speaking a practical joke shouldn't seriously injure someone.

Final one from school - In the wrong hands, there's no such thing as a 'weak' explosive... Explosives should be used carefully… make sure there are no eyewitnesses. Perhaps even post scouts... I wish we had.


Never surrender the moral high-ground, so long as your actions have been beyond reproach, you will never find yourself on the defensive.

By the same token, keep up that holier then thou shit & you'll get your head smacked in. It's a fine line.

Don't lie, then it doesn't matter if you talk in your sleep.

If you must lie, the best lies are half truth, half bullshit. They are harder to catch and easier to tell.

No regrets - you make a decision based upon the information you have available at the time. You may not have all the info that you need, you may make the choice that lead you down a dangerous or difficult path and any other choice would have had a better outcome then the one you chose but damnit - you made a choice and its your choice so live with it. At least you had the courage to make one and that choice helped shape the person you are today.

Who you are is pretty damn amazing. You rock.

Don't say that you love someone in spite of their faults - that’s just arrogant, you love someone because of their faults because its what makes them different.

Who decides what a 'fault' is anyway???

Just because you love someone, doesn't mean you always like them very much.

I don't have a problem with my body. If someone else has a problem with my body then that’s exactly what it is - their problem, not mine.

Don't wear a low cowl neck top with no bra if you are going out for a big night on the booze… especially not if there are going to be cameras.

When you are naked in a spa with 5 other girls, do not let boys in the bathroom - one of them will bring a camera for sure.

Do not start a bubblebath fight when in a spa with 5 other girls and the boys are there with a camera, the pics situation aside, you will flood the bathroom, hallway and bedroom. This is a bitch to clean up in the middle of a party and will result in the xbox being permanently stuffed.

No one wants pictures of the night before emailed to them at work.

Always remember to take your shoes off before you go swimming in a fountain.

Waterproof mascara is your friend.

Its sometimes very hard to get a cab home when you are dripping wet.

Sometimes brutal honesty is far more effective at pulling people out of the blues then all the sympathy in the world.

When something goes wrong, don't tell someone that 'it's ok' Its not fucking ok, if it was ok then they wouldn't be upset, would they? If you must use the word 'ok' then say 'It's not OK right now, but it's going to be'

Being protective of your friends is a good thing, but sometimes you need to refuse to run to the rescue so that they can learn to deal with lifes challenges on their own - no matter how hard it is to stand by and watch your loved ones fuck up, there are lessons that they have to learn on their own. Make sure you are there to help pick up the pieces though.

Some people can see or do any number of wild and crazy things and still retain a certain innocence. Treasure them.

The little wire thingies in toasters never go back in properly. Ever.

No one likes the person who says 'I told you so' even if they did in fact tell you so.

As a matter of fact yes, the needle in a sewing machine really WILL go right through your finger. (I wonder if this is where my needle phobia came from??)

Knives + toasters are a big mistake.

If you get thrown accross the otherside of the room due to an electric shock, hope that you don't land on a table.

Don't ever rip a dressing off fast unless you have checked that it hasn't actually stuck to the scab (the skin around it is ok, but not when its stuck to the scab). It really fucking hurts.

By the time you hear your niece say 'Auntie, I can't wash this paint off' its already too late.

Never leave expensive make up brushes lying round where your nieces will think they are paint brushes.

Always lock your car door with your keys - then you can never accidentally lock the keys in the car with the engine still running.

Never buy a car you cant break into.

RACQ membership is a very good thing… one day, you should probably get around to buying it…

When trying to change the tyre on a car, no matter how much it hurts, do not kick the tyre after you break a nail - it'll scuff your shoes.

If you don't know how to change a tyre, make sure your father has enough employees that they can afford to send one out to you (wherever you may be) to change it for you.

Try to get a boss who will accept 'I had a flat tyre and had to wait for one of my dad's staff to come change it for me' as a valid excuse for being 2 hours late to work.

Make sure you keep a ready supply of Rescue Remedy on hand for that boss.

Don't be the office gossip - collect gossip (there is no such thing as useless information), cause gossip (if you really want to) but don't spread it.

Never play where you're paid.

Don't ever go near a Clydesdale in bare feet and if it steps on your foot, go get an x-ray.. chances are that its not 'just bruised'... really....

"But they're so beautiful" is not a good enough reason to keep wearing a pair of shoes that leave you with bleeding feet, scars and blisters so bad that for the four days following a big night out you can only wear haviana's and you cant walk properly.

Sometimes there is such a thing as being too nice.

When your back's against the wall, come out fighting. You may still go down, but you may just also surprise yourself.

Never say die.

You can do anything that pops into your head - so long as you can meet your own eyes in the mirror the next morning, that’s all that matters. Screw anyone else's opinion.

If it’s a life and death situation, life is the better option.

Don’t ever let someone take naked pics of you and keep them - you never know where they will end up.

Ditto for sex tapes.

Make sure your friend never tells her partner about things you have gotten up to that you don't want generally known.

When you find out that a friend has done all 3 of those things and her now ex partner is making all of them public, try to resist the urge to slap her. She's probably stressed enough.

Always be nice to bikers - you never know when you'll need them to scare someone into submission.

Never swim against an undertow, no matter how freaked out you are.

Always swim in pairs at the beach - then if a hungry shark comes along, there's a 50% chance it wont attack you.

When camping in an area where there are crocodiles, always zip the tent up when you leave otherwise you may have an unexpected visitor when you return.

City people do not find it amusing when you go catch a 'baby' crocodile and bring it back to the campsite for them to see (oh for Gods sake - it was only about 3 foot long).

When driving in the country, always carry a gun.

And bullets.

Learn to shoot a gun.

When setting up a campsite, try not to swear too much at the people helping you - even if they are incompetent fools, it upsets them.

When you cant decide which pair of shoes to buy, buy all of them.

If you find an amazing pair of shoes, buy 2 pairs the same, then when you have worn the first pair out, you wont be quite so devastated.

Waterproof all your shoes before you wear them for the first time.

If you are so drunk that you need to go throw up before you can drink anymore, odds are on that you probably don’t actually need to drink anymore.. You should probably still go throw up though - better to choose the time & place then have it decided for you.

Everything in moderation. Except shoes.

If you want to take drugs then take them, but never lose sight of the fact that its not a sustainable lifestyle and you should then be able to walk away or not as you choose.

Addiction is all in your mind - if you really wanted to stop, you would. End of story.

For a woman, finding the perfect partner is all about the bastard factor - they've got to be just enough of a bastard to keep you on your toes but not so much of one that you feel like you are constantly banging your head against a brick wall... Men, same thing applies - just substitute the word 'bitch' for 'bastard' ... My sister taught me this one...

Good lingerie will make you feel like a million dollars - even on a crap day.

When applying make up, less is more.

Get your hair trimmed regularly, split ends are not a good look.

Don't ever let anyone near your hair with bleach that you wouldn't let sleep in the same bed as your partner. You gotta have a whole lot of trust…

Classic, quiet elegance is far better then loud, up to the minute fashion.

Pearls, like diamonds, never go out of fashion.

Unless they are natural, blondes do not have more fun - they just spend more time getting their roots touched up.

Pale skin that doesn't tan is not a curse - in 20 years time your skin will still be amazing while all the tanning addicts will look like leather.

Every parent does the best job they are capable of - it may not have been enough for you but they tried.

Every parent has favourites, if its not you, deal with it.

It's not easy to claw your way back from rock bottom but it can be done.

Saying 'I love you' is simultaneously wonderful and terrifying.

But 'No' is the hardest thing to say.

Everyone is someone elses idiot.

Don't be a victim - sometimes bad things happen to good people and you can't control that. What you can control is how you deal with - you can sit there in a metaphorical heap for the rest of your life snivelling about how badly done by you were or you can pick yourself up, dust yourself off, learn the lesson and move on.

Don't trust anyone else on the road with a licence - they have no idea what they are doing.

It's people like you that cause people like me to have accidents so get off my road.

I speed and I masturbate - deal with it. (I SO want to get a sticker on my car that says this)

Speedlimits are more in the nature of a rough guideline for people who shouldn't have a licence anyway.

Don't drink drive - cos when they brand the words 'bloody idiot' on your forehead you are going to look like such a fool.

Don't drug drive - cos it's very hard to avoid the zebras and the starfish and some idiot always bricks in underneath an overpass.

The worst thing that ever happened to you is really not that big a deal - take a step back, remove the emotion and realise how lucky you are that that is the worst thing that ever happened to you - it could have been much worse.

Every time an ambulance goes past with its lights flashing & sirens blaring, remember that it could just as easily be you in there and then go on with your day thankful that its not.

Hugs rock.

The 'recommended dosage' on the back of the packet is purely a 'recommendation'.

If you are healthy, you are lucky, enjoy it - millions pray for it.

If you are loved, then you are blessed, rejoice in it - millions crave it.

If you are happy, try to share it - you have what millions of people will never have or understand.

There are 3 stages to happiness - happiness, unhappiness and that one in the middle where you are not unhappy. Many people exist in that middle stage and will never realise in their whole life that the absence of unhappiness doesn't actually equal happiness.

The glass really is half full.

Hope springs eternal. If you don't have hope, why do you bother getting out of bed in the morning?

Faith - in yourself and in others is essential for happiness.

Smile - because life is beautiful.

Always remember that life is like sex - even when its bad, it's good.