Kill me now

Embarrassing situation number - 389541278.

Position held in list of 'Most embarrassing things I have ever done' - 2

Today, in the middle of the office floor, I cried.

Not because I have PMT (I wish I could use that as an excuse), not because someone was mean to me, not even because I was so angry that I had to cry to vent.

Nope.

I just cried.


If you go get a dictionary and look up the word 'mortified', the little picture next to it is of me.

It’s official

I despise Chermside shopping centre.

I have heard that it’s great since it’s been extended and so I have been making a special effort to avoid it – no sense in exposing myself to temptation, after all!

However, last night, after doing the first half of my Christmas shopping at Toombul (the worst shopping centre ever, which is exactly why I went there – nothing to tempt me) I decided to stop by Chermside to have a quick look for something that I wanted for my mum.

Big mistake.

I was sitting at the lights waiting to turn into the carpark and as quickly as the cars were pouring out, they were pouring in….I drove around the carpark for 5 mins, decided it wasn’t worth the increase in my blood pressure and that I would just go home, there I was, unable to move, thinking that I would leave when someone came and pulled out of their carpark right next to me. “It’s meant to be!” I thought (sucker that I am) and so I parked and started trying to find the nearest entrance… Nearly got hit by 3 cars as they roared around looking for a park (fuckwits) and then I made it inside…

Sweet Mary mother of God I nearly turned around and walked straight back out again. ‘No no’ I thought to myself, ‘this is a food court so naturally it’s going to be terrible here!’ (Please note my foolish optimism)…. It really wasn’t any better away from the food court, in fact it was worse… much worse…

One thing I miss about working night shifts is that when I went shopping (during the day) no one else was. For this reason, I don’t like shopping on NORMAL Thursday night late night shopping, so last night was sheer hell.

I can’t stand walking along behind someone who is going so slow they are practically in reverse, I hate it even more when they suddenly stop dead in the middle of the walkway in front of me – that infuriates me – selfish cunts who think its ok to block the flow of traffic make me want to smack them upside the head and last night my palm was positively itching with the desperate need to dispense a few swift right handers.

In the end, I stayed for about half an hour (and ground down half my teeth in the process) and then left – I just couldn’t cope with it anymore. I called my sister, arranged with her a present for G (I had already gotten one for E) & to go halves with what she is getting mum & dad and then I got the hell out of there.

In the end, even leaving was a chore and when I got home, I walked straight into the kitchen and poured myself a vodka before going to bed.

Thank god Christmas only comes once a year.

xoxox

In other news I had a pedicure last night (before the Christmas shopping) it really is amazing how happy pedicures make me (which does make me wonder how much more annoyed I would have been when shopping last night if I hadn’t already been blissed out from the foot massage etc) and today I am feeling very perky…. By which I mean to say that I really want s*x. (So what’s new) Actually, I was thinking some moderately depraved thoughts on the train on the way in this morning… it was quite fun but now I’m feeling a little hot and bothered. *sigh*

xoxox

Today’s shoes are orange, strappy and have a 3 ½ inch heel – perfect for climbing on top of desks in, no?

xoxox


Anyway, Merry Christmas to all – drink lots of booze, eat lots of food and stay safe on the roads – there are a lot of lunatics out there.

Hugs all round.

x

Christmas emails

Today I rec'd Christmas emails from two different male friends of mine, one is 33 and the other is 27.

Both of them made me smile for very different reasons...



From: f
To: Me

My Christmas present to you - remember that men are simple creatures – b**bs, s*x, beer, sport, machines – and that’s in no particular order. We don’t care about your mother, we aren’t actually thinking anything when we are staring off into space (except perhaps to wonder if you would consider having s*x with us while we drink beer and watch sport) and you really don’t need that new pair of shoes.

(am laughing thinking of the look on your face as you read this)

have a great Christmas Princess, see you in the new year.

f

Ps. When I got home last night, I told the gf that you had said she was a lucky woman, she doesn’t believe you said that…. How does she always know when I am lying???



From : Me
To: f

My Christmas present to you – women are simple creatures also – we want to know that even if we aren’t actually standing in front of you, you think of us… flowers will do this if you – simple creature that you are – cannot think of a more innovative way to convey that fact. We want you to kill spiders and any other creature that we do not regard as warm and fluffy, we want you to wash up or do a load of laundry once in a while and we don’t want to hear you b*tch when we come home with a pair of new shoes that we simply had to have.

Now go crawl back into your cave and have a great Christmas you terrible excuse for a man. I will see you in the new year if I don’t get a better offer.

X

Ps: She knows you are lying because your lips move.



For something different, from a man of few words who never ever does the warm and fuzzy stuff -


From: The Banker
To: Me

GW,

How are you?

Brushed the girl! Things did not sit very well with me so I decided to cut her loose.

Means I can move and also hit up NY a free agent.

I will not get to see you again before I go.

Have a fantastic Xmas and New years and I shall see you in the new year at some stage.

On a more personal note - thank you so very much for all of your support and understanding throughout the year. 2006 proved to be a testing time for me and I appreciate and respect your time and attention.

I sent out an email the other week on people that walk into your life for a season, a reason and a lifetime. I know exactly which category you fit into.

Love The Banker


From: Me
To: The banker

Thank you sweetie!!! That’s a lovely thing to say!!! Right back at you!

Thank you for always listening to me no matter what I am whinging about, thank you for giving me good advice (even though I don’t always take it, that’s not because I don’t think it’s sound!), thank you for encouraging me to go os – if it hadn’t been for you pushing me, I don’t think I would have made it (certainly, I would have missed my flight!) and thank you just for being you - I don’t know if you ever realised just how little faith I used to have in mens integrity so being friends with you over the last 3 years has certainly taught me a lot and helped in a huge way to bring me to where I am at. Thank you.

I hope you have an awesome Christmas & NYE – try not to get yourself in too much trouble (and whoever she is, make sure she’s hot – nothing below an 9 - you have to go one better than WM!)

See you in the new year.

G
xoxox

Doesn't take much...

So, feeling a lot better then I was yesterday, which is a good thing (not hard, but certainly ‘a good thing’)

I walked in today and there were doughnuts waiting on my desk for me from one of my friends (they know that sugar always cheers me up!) and K1 read yesterdays post (Hi!!! *waves*) and sent me a big bunch of pink (naturally) gerberas (my ‘happy’ flower) to cheer me up – bless her, how sweet is that?

I still feel a tad lost, but am not feeling so freaked out about it today. Mind you, I realised last night that the come down yesterday wasn’t helping at all (I find that lately when I come down, it’s fairly hard, I think I should just avoid getting on it altogether) however it could also be partly because I have very little blood running through my sugar stream right now.

Either way, I have doughnuts, chocolate peppermint slice (from downstairs) and flowers… it’s all workable.

Anyone for skydiving?

When I was in highschool, my singing teacher once wrote on my report card “Giggles has every attribute required to make a career on the stage - except punctuality”

I would like to state upfront that I have improved on the punctuality thing but that’s not why I mention it - what she was referring to (besides my singing ability), were my drama queen tendencies. (Yes, I can admit that I am a bit of a drama queen sometimes) (Yes - sometimes, smartasses). I am not a terribly sympathetic person but I do have empathy and imagination, I can immerse myself in pretending to be someone I am not. I’m actually really crap in rehersals ( I always feel like a complete wanker in rehersals), but give me an audience and I’m all over it. This ability sometimes carries over into my life as well and its both a blessing and a curse.

I am a big beliver in ‘the show must go on’ – no matter how angry, hurt, lost, sad or just plain depressed I am feeling, I always try to camoflage it. There are very few people who see through me when I am doing that but those people that do, know me well enough to see the warning signs that other people don’t notice.

Yesterday afternoon I went to see my sister. I spent the afternoon rough-housing with the girls – pillow fights, wrestling matches and stacks on, followed by reading the mermaid and fairy story books I sent them from England, I ran a spa bath for them, played my little pony in the bath for a while and then, finally, my sister managed to get me on my own to ask me what was wrong.

She didn’t believe me when I said that nothing was wrong but in all honesty, nothing IS wrong – on the surface at least, everything is fine, I have slotted back into life here as if I was never away – job, family, friends – all good.

I decided last week to try to keep everything light and fluffy at the moment because that’s about all I feel that I can cope with. I’m not ready to examine this in great detail just yet even though I know that I really should, but underneath I feel like the different areas in my life don’t really fit together at the moment and I’m trying to paper over the cracks - I want too much from some people and not enough from others, I want to give more to people who don’t need me to, I am neglecting others who do want more from me then I am currently giving them and I feel like I am in an emotional free fall and it scares the hell out of me.

Sometimes I feel so guilty for letting people down and for pushing others and then I get angry and think ‘Hang on a minute – f**k them all – what about what I want? When do I get my turn? How long do I have to wait before it’s my chance?’ Then I realise that I don’t know how to define and articulate everything I want, and the things I do know how to define, I can’t have and just like that, I’m back to feeling helpless and lost.

Once again, I am sitting here unable to focus and trying very hard not to think too much.

Light and fluffy… it’s all about the light and fluffy….

I might go see if anyone needs anything to be laminated….or labelled…. Maybe even a little light hole punching would be appropriate right now….

.

Amazing how sometimes you can feel like you are totally spinning out of control and no one around you seems to notice.

I don't want to feel, I don't want to think, I just want oblivion right now.

Oh hell.

I am really struggling at the moment.

I can't settle to anything and I can't focus.

Frankly, I'm feeling a little lost.

Shit.

Deck the halls!

I walked in this morning to find 6 Christmas cards sitting on my desk (yes, for me)… Of them, only 1 was from someone I actually ‘know’, the other 5 are from team members who I wouldn’t recognise if you offered me $100 to pick them out on the floor.

I work with these people every day but I have no clue who they are, many of them feel that they know me thanks to my weekly emails home while I was OS (I curse the day I ever started that), but really, why are they giving me cards?? I probably haven’t spoken 2 words to most of them unless I got a customer who they didn’t help and I had to fix up their errors and THAT conversation isn’t one that would make you want to give me a Christmas card.

I find that odd. I don’t give cards to people unless I mean it. I am not wasting part of a tree on you unless you mean something to me because I simply couldn’t be fucked. I don’t like the ‘token’ cards that people feel obliged to give at this time of year. The ones that I get from people I love I normally string up on ribbon in my room (to get that Christmassy feeling) but its not about making up the numbers people! Sheesh.

xoxox

In other news, I went and had my nails redone last night, I got a whole 5 days out of them before I had to go back – even for me, that’s got to be some kind of record, normally I make it at least 7 days before I have to go in and get the tragic remainders taken off my fingers and new gel applied.

Anyway, where I was actually going with this was to say that while I was there, I got a new conditioner (it was pink, I am a sucker for anything that is pink) and it is the greatest conditioner EVAH.

My hair actually smells like fresh laundry!!! It’s so cool!!!! I LOVE that smell!

You know when you take clean clothes/towels/sheets off the line and they smell so fresh and clean and summery??? Well that is what my hair smells like – it’s amazing.

I ran into the office this morning because I just had to share this with someone and all the girls love it, a few of them asked me to pick some up for them the next time I have to go to the salon. It’s just so cool!!!!

I didn’t even wear perfume today as I don’t want anything interfering with the smell.

Yes, it’s the little things in life, now leave me alone while I sniff my hair….

xoxox

It just doesn’t feel like Christmas this year.

It’s very distressing.

xoxox

Meanwhile, this is bloody funny.

If only she'd hit him a little harder.

xoxox

I just finished off a call with a polite and remarkably cheery ‘Thanks for calling xxxx (beep beep beep from the phone) *pause to be sure she's really gone* and fuck off and die you stupid whore’

It wasn’t until I heard muffled laughter from behind me that I discovered that 2 supervisors were standing behind me waiting for me to finish up and ask if I could take over for them for a while.

Errrr… sure….

Oops.

Ever get the feeling I might not be suited for this job?

xoxox

Today

Well that didn’t take long….

I hate my job.

HATE.

Yes, it’s a very strong word, but I now remember why I left this job in the first place.


Mother Duck walked up to me yesterday and said ‘Do you remember what you said to me when you left here ?”
“Nope, what did I say?”
“You said ‘I would rather slash my f**king wrists then work in a call centre again’ … do you remember saying that?”
“Noooooo… but it sounds like something I would say…”



I am however, in the process of changing the situation.


xoxox

I am feeling distinctly perky today.

No idea why, I just am!

It’s quite good really.

It has had a few of those “??!!” moments though.

xoxox

This morning I stopped in at my parents office and heard the following conversation –

R was talking to (yelling at) one of the staff, who happened to become slightly surly throughout the conversation (this is not the right attitude to take with my brother)….

R: *Winding up his ranting* It’s not f**king acceptable!
W: (huffily and clearly not meaning to be taken seriously) Well I guess the only thing I can do is resign then!
R: Your offer is acceptable; I’ll take it as being effective immediately. *Picking up the phone to call the front office* I need someone to prepare W’s final pay immediately. *Listening* because he just f**king resigned, that’s why! *Bangs the phone down* *mutters* I’m surrounded by f**king idiots. *Looks up to see W still standing there with his jaw dropped* What are you still doing here?? You quit – workers comp won’t cover you!
W: ??!!

xoxox

Then I got on the train to come to work… A bunch of private schoolgirls were on my train and sitting / standing fairly close to me.

Girl 1: Can you keep a secret?
Girl 2: Yes
Girl 1: Can you keep a secret?
Girl 3: Yes
Girl 1: Can you keep a secret?
Girl 4: Yes
Girl 1: Can you keep a secret?
Girl 5: Yes
Girl 1: Can you keep a secret?
Girl 6: Yes
Girl 1: Can you keep a secret?
Girl 7: Yes
Girl 1: So can I, otherwise I’d tell you this one.
Girls 2 – 7: ??!!

How cruel is that????? You should have seen the looks on their faces!

xoxox

My third call of the day involved an argument with a supervisor about giving someone a refund on some fees -

S: Why should I authorise that? Give me one good reason!
Me: Because I’m a Princess and I said so! That’s why!
S: ….. I can’t argue with that…. Ok, refund them.
Me: ??!!

I wandered away scratching my head as he had a good laugh at me.

I wonder if that would work all the time?

xoxox

Then I had a very painful ‘conversation’ *ahem* with one of our support department (Pah – ‘support’! A 10 year old Kmart bra would provide more ‘support’ then they do!)


Me: Rant, rant rant. So whose fucking fault do you think it is then?
Stupid Person Who Upset Me By Doing The Wrong Thing: *whining* Well I don’t know but it’s not my fault!
Me: You know what? You’re right – it’s not your fault, it’s not your fault at all. It’s actually MY fault! I’m sorry for yelling at you and I’m even sorrier that I forgot you’re a fucking idiot!
SPWUMBDTWT: ??!!

No, it wasn’t nice and it wasn’t professional … sue me.

xoxox

I really am having a good day though.

Pondering my belly button...

It’s interesting how quickly you come to take things for granted - to see without seeing.

It really does amaze me how quickly things become ‘routine’. I found the same thing in London – most mornings I was unaware of being ‘in London’, I was simply on my way somewhere – to work, to meet friends, to a pub, a shop – it was only every so often that as I was walking down the street, something would jolt me from my complacency and startle me into the realisation of ‘holy sh*t – I’m in London!’

Now I am back and in some ways, it feels as if I have never been away – the things I see, the places I go, the people I talk to are all exactly the same as they were ‘before’. The relationships may have changed a little – people who I once seemed to have so much in common with, I no longer seem to have such a strong connection to, but for the most part, life is ‘the same’ and it’s only every now and then that I am suddenly struck by how exotic my surroundings are – I suddenly realised this as I drove down the highway this morning - 4 lanes in each direction and as I approached a section where the road splices a small hill, exposing red dirt barely covered by sparse yellow/green grass, surmounted by ghost gums with grey white bark and leaves in the peculiar shade of dusty green that only gum trees seem to have, in that split second, I suddenly registered how alien that visual was to what I have been viewing for the last 15 months.

Trains that run above ground also struck me as being slightly exotic this morning – to be able to look out the windows and see places I go past, even though I saw them every morning from grade 10 onwards, was bizarre. The space that surrounds me, when for the last 15 months I was surrounded and hemmed in on all sides by buildings (often older than the oldest building we even have in this country) and all filled with millions of people from all over the world.

Now that I am not there, I discover things that I loved about London without even realising it, even as I am rediscovering things I love about Brisbane that I had simply never thought of before. In both instances, I simply took them for granted.

How much else do I take for granted?

How many people in my life, places that I go, things that I do?

I’m not one for saying ‘I love you’ very much. My friend N assures me that the first time I told her that I loved her, she had never heard such a hostile declaration of love in all her life (that would be because I was very angry with her at the time – I told her that I loved her, but I sure didn’t like her very much right at that moment and then turned and walked off). I am better at showing than telling, I am always (at least) vaguely resentful of having to say it – surely people can work it out for themselves, right??

I don’t remember the last time I told my parents or my sister or my brother that I love them. I know I told G when I first got home but I don’t think I told E or C. I haven’t told my friends in god alone knows how long.

I think that might need to go on the to do list....

Although I better be careful - I don't want to give my mum a heart attack. *frown*

GAH!

I swear I have a one track mind.

Christ!

Do you have ANY idea how hard it is to get play doh out of your ears???

I mean, seriously!!!

It's nearly impossible!

Much worse then trying to get it out of your hair, I swear to god!

I'm convinced I still have a bit stuck in my right ear and it's driving me crazy.

Oh, and no - it isn't some weird, kinky bedroom style thing (if you are doing something with play doh in the bedroom, spare me the details, please), I was simply playing with a 3 year old boy on the weekend and we ended up with play doh everywhere.

Oops.

Bleh

Things that would improve this day:

Sex
New shoes
Booze
Drugs
A bottle of Rescue Remedy
Highly processed and refined sugar
Hugs & general affection


And none of them are actually on my to do list.

Well, except for booze and thats not until much later in the evening, which doesn't help me a whole hell of a lot right now.

Wooooo Hooooo !

My favourite things –

6. A great waxing job
5. New stuff (shoes in particular)
4. Surprises (in general) (good ones only though please)
3. Internet banking showing me I have been paid
2. The phone banking lady telling me that I have been paid (I love her)

And at number 1 (drum roll please)

1. Peeing on a stick when I am a week late and having it come back negative.


Thank you God, Jehova, Allah, Budda, Shiva et al.

Thank you thank you thank you

All is well with the world – C is pregnant and I am not !!!!

She is actually more highly strung then I am (and lord knows, I can be a little highly strung sometimes) and she has been trying for a few months now so she was starting to get a little stressed about the whole thing.

I am so happy for her! We are all keeping out fingers crossed for a girl this time. All of my school friends have had boys so far (her hubby also has a boy from a previous relationship), even her son is hoping for a girl!

Every time I start to look like I am lacking direction (which has happened fairly frequently, I must admit), B drags me along to a psychic (she swears by them) and every single one I have ever seen has told me that I am going to have boys… No girls. At all.

Therefore, the pressure is on my friends and family to have enough girls to keep me satisfied. I want her to have a girl because then I will have another little girl to spoil and buy pink dresses and ribbons for. Not to mention toys. God I love toy shops.

I am just as happy to get down on the floor and play with cars as I am with Barbie dolls (my inner child is not very repressed, I must admit) it’s just that I am on more familiar territory with barbie dolls!

Very exciting stuff.


You know what this means, don’t you???

I'm so going shopping.

Growing up is hard to do*

As a kid, you look at adults and think that it must be so cool – it’s all cars, alcohol, nightclubs, cool shoes, great clothes, earning your own money, not having to answer to your folks and generally just being fabulous.

The rider is that there are bills, credit cards, bosses, sore feet, sore heads, speeding tickets, smoke hangovers (from the night clubs – why do they insist on running those infernal machines??) …

You never see all those things when you are a kid, but all in all, being a grown up isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

I have been doing my level best to avoid the down side of the grown up business for some time now.

Succeeding quite well too, I must say.

Yesterday, it finally caught up with me.

A little while ago (while I was in London) I cut up my credit cards, mainly because I have no self control and where shopping is concerned, I really can’t trust myself.

I have been doing really well since I came home – the only thing I have bought was a pair of jeans (Leave me alone! I didn’t have any and they are a necessity, damnit!) but the other week, it all got too much for me – I HAD to go shopping, desperately needed to in fact. I needed to so badly, I could have cheerfully killed for $500 (I wasn’t about to be picky) to spend on something - anything at all. Hell, even grocery shopping would have provided a fix.


I reordered one of my credit cards.


I called through to the call centre, told them I had lost it and could they please send me another one. They let me know when it came into the branch.


Yesterday, I finally made it to the branch to pick it up.


Last night, I took it out of my purse, admired its shiny newness, sighed and then I cut it up.


At the risk of sounding like a 16 year old, growing up sucks.




*Harder then breaking up, that's for sure.