Anyone for skydiving?

When I was in highschool, my singing teacher once wrote on my report card “Giggles has every attribute required to make a career on the stage - except punctuality”

I would like to state upfront that I have improved on the punctuality thing but that’s not why I mention it - what she was referring to (besides my singing ability), were my drama queen tendencies. (Yes, I can admit that I am a bit of a drama queen sometimes) (Yes - sometimes, smartasses). I am not a terribly sympathetic person but I do have empathy and imagination, I can immerse myself in pretending to be someone I am not. I’m actually really crap in rehersals ( I always feel like a complete wanker in rehersals), but give me an audience and I’m all over it. This ability sometimes carries over into my life as well and its both a blessing and a curse.

I am a big beliver in ‘the show must go on’ – no matter how angry, hurt, lost, sad or just plain depressed I am feeling, I always try to camoflage it. There are very few people who see through me when I am doing that but those people that do, know me well enough to see the warning signs that other people don’t notice.

Yesterday afternoon I went to see my sister. I spent the afternoon rough-housing with the girls – pillow fights, wrestling matches and stacks on, followed by reading the mermaid and fairy story books I sent them from England, I ran a spa bath for them, played my little pony in the bath for a while and then, finally, my sister managed to get me on my own to ask me what was wrong.

She didn’t believe me when I said that nothing was wrong but in all honesty, nothing IS wrong – on the surface at least, everything is fine, I have slotted back into life here as if I was never away – job, family, friends – all good.

I decided last week to try to keep everything light and fluffy at the moment because that’s about all I feel that I can cope with. I’m not ready to examine this in great detail just yet even though I know that I really should, but underneath I feel like the different areas in my life don’t really fit together at the moment and I’m trying to paper over the cracks - I want too much from some people and not enough from others, I want to give more to people who don’t need me to, I am neglecting others who do want more from me then I am currently giving them and I feel like I am in an emotional free fall and it scares the hell out of me.

Sometimes I feel so guilty for letting people down and for pushing others and then I get angry and think ‘Hang on a minute – f**k them all – what about what I want? When do I get my turn? How long do I have to wait before it’s my chance?’ Then I realise that I don’t know how to define and articulate everything I want, and the things I do know how to define, I can’t have and just like that, I’m back to feeling helpless and lost.

Once again, I am sitting here unable to focus and trying very hard not to think too much.

Light and fluffy… it’s all about the light and fluffy….

I might go see if anyone needs anything to be laminated….or labelled…. Maybe even a little light hole punching would be appropriate right now….