Something to ponder

Before I came home, I was uncertain – very, very uncertain, if I was doing the right thing. I wasn’t sure that I was ready to come home – there were reasons to stay (in London) and reasons to go however the reasons to go seemed to be more pressing then the reasons to stay, so I came home. I was wrong.

I mentioned earlier that on Friday last week, I nearly booked a flight back to London. I sat down and worked out how long I could live over there until I started working, I even spoke to the agency to be sure I could get work over there again with no troubles. I mentioned it to my parents on the weekend and they said that if that’s what I needed to do then they would support me, even though they don’t really want me to go back. I wondered if I was just running away so I even took a piece of paper and divided it into 4 and wrote down the pro’s and con’s for both staying here in Australia and going back to London…

I’m still not entirely sure why I’m not currently working out my notice here and packing my life up again in order to return. I’m still not entirely sure why I didn’t book the flight. Yes, right as I was calculating all of those things I got a call from the real estate to confirm the date that we could move into the unit, but it’s not just that that is holding me back. I really wish I knew what it was. Somehow, even though things are a little crap right at the moment, I think this is where I am supposed to be right now. Hopefully, this time I’m right.

I miss my friends.
I miss my lifestyle.
I miss the feeling of freedom that I had over there that I simply do not have here.

I am happy to see my friends.
I am happy to see my family.
I enjoy my lifestyle and will even more once I finally get out of home.

My consolation is that I may have made the decision to come home for the wrong reasons, but I did learn from it.

Goodness Me

Can you believe I've been home for 3 months already?????

Where does the time go?

Behind. Or in front. It depends which way you're looking.

Right now, I'm looking behind.

My.

Isn't hindsight beautiful?

It's a sign!

Conversation at work -

Me: I’m a little bit confused.
Male Workmate: Does it involve a man?
Me: How did you know?
MW: *Shrug* We’re confusing.
Me: Why is that?
MW: (Very matter of fact) Because we’re stupid.
Me: ….. You leave me no room to manoeuvre here…..
MW: Nope. It’s pretty simple really.

(Yes, actually, he is married)


Talking to C -

Me: I went shopping on the weekend.
C: Oh dear god – were you good??!!
Me: Erm… sort of …
C: (suspiciously) How can you be ‘sort of’ good?
Me: Well, it could have been worse!
C: Well darling, so could World War 2 – that doesn’t then follow that it was ‘good’!
Me: … I need a new best friend… one who’s not such a smart ass…
C: (musingly) Well, they say that opposites attract….
Me: The defence rests….


I also had another conversation at work with one of the biggest freaks I know, I tried to type it out here but every time I do, I start gagging again. Maybe another time.



On Friday afternoon, I nearly booked a flight back to the UK. I was actually on Last Minute and had selected a flight, I had even calculated how long I could afford to live over there before I had to start working again etc when my phone rang – it was the real estate agent calling to say that he finally had a firm date for us to move into the unit.

Even I know a sign when I see one.

Falling off the wagon again.

Friday night I bought something that doesn’t fall into the ‘need’ category, but rather the ‘want’ category. However, it does fall into the more important ‘want’ category – ie. ‘desperately want’ as opposed to just plain old ‘want’.

I bought a pink and white teapot.

And the matching milk jug and sugar bowl.

They are very pretty. (I’m such a girl).

On Sunday (I’m getting ahead of myself here) I went back and bought the exact same thing in the green and pink – it’s all about sets. I love sets. Sets are very important. So important that I think I shall stop by the shops and buy the matching cake plates and servers.

And trays.

And tea bag holder thingys.

It’s the little things in life.

From there on in, Friday became a little more interesting. I got a text message. Now considering my recent purge of numbers, I’m pretty lucky that this is the first time I’ve gotten one from a number I didn’t recognise (which also proves my point on why I should have purged those numbers – it’s been 3 weeks and they are just contacting me now???!! Slack bastards!)

Anyway, I’m standing there looking at a text that says ‘Sorry I have been so slack, we will have to catch up soon. Been thinking of you. Xo’ I looked at the number and thought ‘who the f**k is that?’. So I sent back ‘Ok?? Now who the hell is this as your number isn’t in my phone’

As I wait for the response, I’m trying to work out who it could be. Just as I work it out, I get the response ‘I’ll give you a clue – I live on the coast and I’m slack at keeping in touch’ Luckily, I’d already worked it out as that would’ve only narrowed it down to 3. I sent back ‘Oh. Hi Lying ex. I didn’t recognise your number as I deleted it months ago.’

He called me. What fun. We talked for about 10 mins (the shortest conversation I have ever had on the phone, normally I talk for hours). He asked me out to dinner. I didn't believe him.

Saturday morning I went shopping for B’s engagement present and then round to F’s house as I am house/cat-sitting (they have 2 cats) while he and his gf are away. Played with the cats, got ready and was waiting for C to pick me up on her way through when my phone rang – it was C.

C is about 11 weeks pregnant and this time round, she is having a little trouble. She has had a couple of ‘shows’ and the doctor told her that she has to take it easy, but on Saturday, she started bleeding quite heavily. She insisted I still go to the party and she promised to call if anything went wrong, but in the end, thankfully, she was ok. The bleeding wasn’t coming from the baby but from her cervix. (My apologies to anyone for whom this is too much info).

The engagement party was good. There were a lot of people there that I don’t know (which I hate) and of the people there that I did know, most of them I don’t like anyway. It was however, a brilliant chance to people watch and I picked up tremendous amounts of gossip. When I was filling her in on all of it the next day, B complained that if it wasn’t for me, she would have missed out on all the good stuff.

Call of the night came from B’s 14 (!) year old cousin. She was sitting with 4 of us (all a lot older than her) and we were talking about kids – one of the girls has a 2 y.o., one is ready to drop, A has a 5 y.o. & I of course have none. Cousin comes out with ‘I can’t wait till I’m 18 so I can have a baby’.

We all stop dead and look at her. ‘Are you serious?’ I asked. She assured me she was. I asked her why she wanted to have a child so early, not because I am against it as such, but I was curious to hear why she wanted one so young. Her response was ‘Because I just dropped out of school and there’s nothing else to do’

Brilliant.

Just. Fucking. Brilliant.

I remembered not to tell her she was a stupid, spoiled, selfish child who needed a good swift kick up the ass before being packed off to boarding school (which, the more I spoke to her that night, the more I realised it would do her a world of good). Instead I sat there and discussed it with her logically. A was able to back me up on quite a few points as she is a single mother (Cousin announced that she would also be a single mother, you see) so she was able to discuss it from a position of experience.

I’m not entirely sure that the 4 of us actually managed to convince her, but at least she was looking rather thoughtful when we all sort of drifted off. She accused me at first of being against the idea as I (clearly) ‘don’t want kids’. I assured her that she was totally wrong – I do want them, but I’m not stupid enough or selfish enough to have a child just because I can.

Stupid girl.

Honestly, is this what it’s coming to? Seriously disturbing.

Sunday I had breakfast with A then we went round to watch B & 3G open their engagement presents. After that Belle and I went shopping. I bought a new spread for my bed – it’s white on white and it is beautiful. I found it in an interiors store in the valley about 2 months ago and have been thinking about it ever since so I am rather chuffed, just quietly. It was worth every penny. I seem to have a thing for white at the moment. The bed that I was looking at on Sunday is white too.

Oh, I forgot – I was woken on Sunday morning at 6.45am by a text message from Lying ex (stupid bastard – he KNOWS I’m not a morning person) asking me out to dinner next Saturday night.

“Really strange thing happened last night – I dreamt I was in a nice little restaurant with you. Would love to make this happen next Saturday? Think I am beginning to understand how I need to appreciate you more. What I am saying is that I love your company. It would be great to have one of our conversations face to face. Somehow that sounds like I missed you”

I was so pissed off when I read it (he woke me up for that? He knew I had a party the night before! And - ‘beginning’ to understand?? You ‘love’ my company? Too bad you didn’t realise that when you had your chance 2 years ago, buddy) that I still haven’t bothered to respond.

Do you think a simple ‘No’ would convey -
a) I can’t believe you woke me up at 6.45am to ask me out to dinner
b) I can’t believe you asked me out to dinner by fucking text. Even A, B & C wouldn’t do that! And they’re female friends!
c) I can’t believe you woke me up at 6.45am (on a Sunday!) to ask me out to dinner
d) You and your continual dramas bore me.
e) I STILL can’t believe you woke me up at 6.45am (on a fucking SUNDAY!!) to ask me out to dinner!
f) If you were the last man on earth, you still wouldn’t be getting in my pants again.

And before you think I’m getting ahead of myself with that last one, I know him. You don’t. Enough said.

Will ‘No’ get all that across, do you think?

Well I’ll be hornswoggled!

Can you believe it’s been a year? Happy blogversary to me.

For someone with nothing important to say, I sure managed to type a lot of crap over the last 365, didn’t I?

Add in the fact that I have a really short attention span and have never managed to keep a diary for more than a month before and it’s a downright miracle! (What a waste of a miracle)….

If you’ll excuse me, I’m pretty sure this calls for cake.

Today.

Things that I wish I could say today –


‘Sorry’ doesn’t do shit for me, ‘sorry’ is to make you feel better.

You, are a fucking moron.

You are enough to make me become a lesbian…. And no, you can’t watch.

Sorry, but I really don’t feel like being at work today, so I’ll be off home now.

I don’t get paid enough to put up with your crap.

You’ve clearly mistaken me for someone who gives a shit.

You’ve just started working here?? Welcome to the salt mines, honey.

Yes, I do know I’m being unreasonable and I really don’t care.

Well would you look at that – a walking corpse!

When are you coming to visit me?

I need a hug

I miss you.


What I actually said instead –


No, no, honestly, it’s ok - apology accepted.

Ok, I don’t think I’ve explained that very clearly…

You’re single, aren’t you?

HI! How are you today? Are we busy this morning?

No, that's fine – I’d feel exactly the same if it was me!

Oh dear - that's pretty terrible!

Hi, welcome to the team! How are you settling in?

Oh, really? I'm sorry!

Awww… look at you, you poor thing, are you feeling ok?

(nothing)

(nothing)

(nothing)


*sigh*

Where's the bucket?

Truly, one of the most gruesome examples of Australian ‘manhood’ I have had the misfortune to stumble across in a while.

Misc.

What the fuck do I buy B for an engagement present?

B’s engagement party is this weekend which is very exciting.

Not altogether happy with the guest list though as Ass is going to be there. Ass gets a little too affectionate when he’s drunk. So affectionate that I once had to claw my way across the carpet and hide under the couch to get away from him as he tried to grope me after tackling me to the ground.

Deeply disturbing.

I think I’ll spend the night no more then 2 paces from C’s side. C was once married to Ass’ best friend and he has been rather uncomfortable around her ever since he shagged some skank in the spare room (after she specifically told him not to) and C walked in on them. Even better, C had to remove the cum soaked sheets from the bed after he finished. *shudder* So as long as I stay close to her, I should be right.

Failing that I'm sure I can get my hands on some mace between now and then.

xoxox

My latest food addiction is sliced tomato, sliced buffalo mozzarella & fresh basil drizzled with olive oil.

I had it for dinner on Sat night, lunch on Sunday, lunch on Monday and guess what I am having for lunch today??

I just can’t get enough of it.

Probably a much better addiction then Krispy Kreme’s though.

xoxox

I recently read ‘Priestess of the White’ by Trudi Canavan and it was really quite good.

I am looking forward to getting back to the bookshop to pick up the second in the series.

If you like your books filled with a bit of sex, a bit of war and a lot of magic, give it a whirl.

xoxox

Ooo – if you haven’t read ‘Kushiel’s Dart’ then you really need to get your hands on that one too.

Drenched in sex, violence and politics.

xoxox

I have come up with an extra $500 in my budget that I can do whatever I want with but I am having trouble thinking of what to do.

Do I –

A) Buy the Scanpan kitchenware that I want.
B) Take another $100 out of my clothes shopping budget and buy the bedspread that I want.
C) Pay it off my credit cards.

Now I know this should be a no brainer, but I am really sick of looking at something that I really want and then not buying it because I ‘have to be good’.

Fuck being good. I’m over it. For at least a little while.

xoxox

Nice Ex is taking a week off – purely for the new WOW expansion…

I like WOW, but that’s a bit extreme to me.

I do not have to think very hard to understand why that boy is still single (and likely to remain that way)….

Actually, I have to admit that I am a teensy bit jealous.

Xoxox

I have a few calls that I class as ‘favourites’ – the ‘why do I have to pay interest on my loan?’ call is one of them… Here’s a thought, fuckwit, it’s all about supply and demand - we have money, you want money, now you have to pay for it. Go think about that for at least a week and if you still don’t get it, don’t call us, call the local hospital and inform them that you should be on life support – you’re too fucking brain dead not to be.

The ‘I don’t read anything you people send me’ call is another one… You didn’t notice that your repayments increased because you didn’t read the fucking letter we sent you and somehow you alone, out of all of the people in this country, missed the fact that interest rates increased back in November? Don’t whine and bitch to me because your loan is in arrears and collections are calling you, you sad fuck. You have no one to blame but yourself, if we didn’t have to send letters to fuckers like you, the company would make more of a profit and I’d get more shares when it comes time to allocate them to staff. Fuck you.

The ‘But I didn’t read my contract!’ call is yet another… You. Didn’t. Read. Your. Contract. Let me say that again – You didn’t read your contract. Nope, doesn’t matter if you say it fast or slow, it still makes you sound like a fucking idiot. Don’t get me started, please, please, please, for all our sakes, don’t get me started on this one.

People who call for one of those and then have the nerve to yell at me and abuse me for their fuckups get bonus blood pressure points.

So I’m sure you can understand my sheer delight on Friday afternoon, after quite a good day, I might add, when I got some dumb fuck on the phone who combined ALL 3, plus the bonus blood pressure points of yelling and abusing me for his problems. The amount of self control it took for me to resist the burning desire to hiss down the phone to him that he 'just made the biggest investment of your sad, pathetic excuse for a fucking life, and you're telling me you didn't read the paperwork, you fucking moron?' I will never know, but it probably explains why I didn't have enough control left over to stop myself kicking the crap out of my desk draws a couple of times. (yeah, I know, I shouldn't be in customer service, which is why I find it moderately amusing that I'm so fucking good at it) (Well I am good at it! Shut up!)

I’m not even going to get into the finer details of the call, there’s no point and it gets me angry all over again every time I think about but suffice to say, it took a lot of champagne cocktails on Friday night (and some truly superb salmon) before I was able to regard the situation with any degree of equanimity (I’m not drunk now, hence my refusal to recap). From there on in, my weekend got off to a flying start.

I had blocked in the whole weekend for packing but due to a fuck up on the builders part (some paperwork wasn’t lodged) Belle and I wont be able to move into our place for at least another fortnight. That left me with a whole lot of spare time that I used to relax, a little bit of packing and a whole lot of WOW. (Shut up, I have an addictive personality and it’s VERY addictive). My right shoulder is actually a little bit sore from the angle I had to hold my arm at to use the mouse (desk is set up for someone taller than me). But it was worth it. Totally worth it.

There’s a little bit of geek in all of us.

FUCK THE VODKA

I need something stronger.

I just spoke to the dumbest fucking cunt in the world.

I think my head is about to explode.

If I wasn't so fucking infuriated, I would feel sorry for the next person who calls.


I really must remember not to kick things when I am wearing open toed shoes. My foot hurts. That fucks me off even more.

I've been what?

Betty was kind enough to tag me :-P This left me in quite a quandary, let me tell you!

I had a great deal of difficulty thinking of 5 things that y'all wouldn't know about me already (what can I say, I'm boring) but I think I've finally done it!

So, 5 things that most people wouldn't know about me....

1. I can pluck hair with my toes.

When we were little, my dad, my sister and I used to play footsies all the time. It was always M & I against him and one day my sister discovered that could pluck dad’s leg hairs with her toes. It didn’t take me long to pick it up too. Funnily enough, dad stopped wanting to play footsies not long after.

2. I have 4 scars on my body.

I am normally pretty careful and rarely injure myself so I only have 4 scars on my body –

1. on my left leg, half way down my shin from falling on some rocks while running away from my brother and his friend as they were hosing me when I was 12,
2. on my left knee from a car accident (the one and only time I have ever had stiches),
3. on the inner curve of my right breast from a dog attack when I was 4, it’s so pale you can hardly see it unless the light hits it at the right angle but it’s actually about 2 inches long and
4. one by my right eye from the same dog attack that gave me the other scar.

Surprisingly, I love dogs.

3. I love cyclones.

One of the things I loved most about living in Cairns was the cyclones. I used to run outside during the peak of them just to feel the wind and stand in the rain. My mother really didn’t like it when I did that. A really good storm will do in a pinch, but most of all, I love cyclones.

4. As a child, I was absolutely convinced that my toys came alive when I was asleep / wasn’t watching.

I had a snow white teddy bear (imaginatively named ‘Teddy’) that I tried to feed spaghetti to once, just to illustrate my point. Anyone who tried to convince me that my toys couldn’t feel was clearly an idiot and was instantly barred. I was older then I care to admit before I finally grew out of that. I blame Enid Blyton for this belief.

5. My bedroom is totally offlimits.

Even when I lived in London, no one was ever allowed into or invited into my room. I think LH made it past the door once and MH was once, possibly twice. Of my ex’s, only one of them has ever been allowed in my room, everyone after him was put in the spare room and I would sleep in there with them, rather then let them stay in my room. Since I got home, only one person has been invited to step past the doorway to my bedroom. Even my family know not to go past the doorway. I just hate people going into my room. When I see someone standing inside my bedroom, I tend to be haunted by mental images of that for ages afterwards. It’s very disturbing. My bedroom is my sanctuary.

I tag.... Whoever wants to do it. They don't bother me either way but I know some of you don't like doing meme's.... See how thoughtful I am like that??!!

Breathe in.... breathe out....

Yesterday, I was a little bit stressed (enough to kick my desk draws at one stage). Today, I am not.

I have spent the last however long looking for somewhere to live (it feels like forever, although really, it wasn’t that long at all). One of the places I looked at, I totally fell in love with - brand spanking new, white tiles, white walls, white, white, white - except for the bedrooms which have a deep chocolate brown carpet and the kitchen which has wood with granite benchtops and stainless steel Blanco appliances, quiet, near a park and only 5 units in the block. It was a little more then I was looking to pay and right on the outer limits of the distance from the city that I was prepared to live, but I loved it enough that those things really didn’t matter. And I do mean love.

We didn’t get it.

Sooooo, I kept looking… Heartbroken, yes, but what else are you going do?

A day later, they called us back and asked if we still wanted it. (Do bears shit in the woods?)

Right now, I am deliriously happy.

And you just know this means I’m going shopping. This time with a valid excuse.


I had organised dinner with the gang last night and during the day hadbeen emailing a coupel of the girls talking about how stressed out i was and everything thats been going on. Ariel announced that her mission last night was to cheer me up, N hadn't been planning to come but when she heard how stressed I was, she called her man and told him that she had to cancel on him to see me and MS called his wife and told her to come and bring the baby so I could play with her (she is the cutest little girl).

By the time I got there of course, I had already rec'd the call to say we had the unit so I was bouncing off the walls. I talked non-stop for 45 mins, was waving my hands round so much I knocked over a glass of wine and then caught it before I spilt a drop (I use my hands a lot when I get excited) and all in all, did not look in need of cheering up. lol.

I only had lunch at 5pm so I wasn't hungry but I did play seagull (whenever we go out, someone always plays seagull as we always end up with too much food). I played with the baby while everyone else ate (the people at the table next to us were a little disturbed by the inarticulate sounds I was making but baby liked it, which is all that matters). She really is such a beautiful little girl, her father is Bulgarian and has pale skin, dark hair and eyes so dark they are almost black. Her mother has red hair and hazel eyes, she has her fathers eyes and it looks like her hair may just turn red but with those eyes, she's going to be a heartbreaker either way).

Anyway, it was a great night - lots of hugs and kisses (I need regular physical contact) (NO - not just sex, sheesh!) and I am feeling fabulous.


5% of my stress was coming from the uncertainty of whats happening with my parents house.
15% of my stress was coming from looking for a place to live because Belle wasn’t helping.
10% of my stress was coming from no physical contact.

That’s 30% of my stress, right there, that has been alleviated.

The rest is all workable.

REALLY. Fucking. Stressed.

And I'm all out of Rescue Remedy.

Fuck.

Busy Busy Busy

So life has been a little full on lately.

Mum & dad sold the house (due to settle on Thursday) but the fucking solicitors have lost the deeds (and only bothered to tell my parents on Tuesday) which is going to delay settlement, the new owners can't wait (they had already booked flights up from Melbourne and everything) so the sale may fall through. This in turn means that the purchase of the new home (you know, the one they have their hearts set on) will fall through as it was subject to the sale of the current house. My mum is devestated and my father is not very happy either. They love the new house and had permission from the owners to start moving stuff in and put new carpets in etc. So now all of that has to come back out (not the carpets, obviously).

Belle and I put in an application for a place yesterday as well. I kind of hope we don’t get it though as I have now decided that it’s too small. And I want a kitchen with more bench space. Bench space in a kitchen is very important to me. Not to mention that I have found another place that I have totally fallen in love with.

We shall see.

In the meantime its birthday week!!! K1 had her birthday on the second, G (my oldest niece) turned 5 on Wednesday (how depressing, I can’t believe she is 5 already!! It seems like only yesterday I walked into the hospital to meet her for the very first time and suddenly discovered that yes, in fact I do want kids one day after all!) and C turned 28 today ('hurtling head first towards 30' was how she described it).

This weekend is going to be a little busy – moving stuff out of the house mum & dad were going to buy, continuing to pack my stuff up for my move and also going to view a property on Saturday, then on Sunday I have to drive down the coast, make G’s birthday cake for her party (it’s a My Little Pony’ theme, wish me luck!), do the party thing then drive back to Brisbane to have dinner with B (it will be the first time I have seen her since she got back from China)…

I had decided that I was not going to plan months ahead when I came home but clearly, that’s not working too well for me – I’m already booked up through to March. I flatly refuse to start booking March at this stage (B’s wedding is locked in, obviously, but apart from that, March is not open for bookings yet!). I have had invitations and suggestions from people for things to do in March but I am fobbing them all off, how much longer I can do that for, I don’t know. Must. Be. Strong. Must. Not. Book. So. Far. In. Advance.

Keeping busy helps at the moment though - I am missing the girls in London so much its not even funny. I miss LH the most I think. She is so soothing and has such a calming effect on me. SS is just so nuts she makes me laugh constantly, MH is very relaxing as well as being unbearably cool (and totally unaware of the fact) and K2 is just plain fun… and a boozehag. I really want to go out and get smashed right now. A big night out with the girls is just what I need, unfortunately, I don’t have time. Sex would be another thing that I really need right now but that’s not going to happen either.

Clearly, I need to sort out my priorities.

Pressing right along....

There is something very liberating about deleting numbers from your phone.

Every single person who I feel hasn’t made much of an effort to catch up with me since I got home – gone.

Everyone who didn’t call (or at least send me a text) wishing me a Merry Christmas – gone.

Everyone who didn’t call (or at least send me a text) wishing me a happy new year – gone.

Everyone who I have simply decided stresses me out or annoys me – gone.



This year, I am asking the question – ‘What do you give me?’


If I don’t like the answer (ie. if you don't make me happy or make me smile) you can drag your sorry ass somewhere else and waste someone else’s time.



I feel great.

Note to self...

NY resolutions –

6. To not process my hair so much so that I can grow it long again. (Start simple I say!)
5. Do not kill my mother, no matter how much she does my head in.
4. Try not to snap at my mother, no matter how much she does my head in.
3. Get back into my favorite dress.
2. Pay off my credit cards.
1. Be happy.


Things to remember throughout the year –

6. I mustn’t cut my hair off in a fit of pique because it’s taking too long to grow.
5. Must. Shop. Less.
4. Stay out of the sun more.
3. Shopping is not a sport and I can not regard it as part of my exercise regime.
2. ‘Better than nothing’ is not good enough for me.
1. This year, it’s all about me.

Goodbye 2006

So that’s that – done and dusted.


2007 is MY year.

I defy anyone who says otherwise. You might think its going to be your year, but I promise you that you are wrong. (Well, except Steph – I am prepared to share ‘MY’ year with her because lets face it, 2006 didn't end so well for her, but she’s an exception!!!!! No one else is getting a look in!!!)

I have to admit I am anticpating that Jan is going to be pretty average, but from there on in, this year belongs to MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Roll on February!

Hurrah for the year of Giggles!