Sometimes it really sucks being me.

I was talking to C on the weekend and complaining about how totally fucking desperate I am at the moment - not to put too fine a point on it, I am well past 'gagging' for it - and I was saying that I don't know why my sex-drive is sky high at the moment. She pointed out that prior to PB, my sex-drive was always this high - its only since that 'relationship' that it was muted and as i have dealt with it, I've slowly been getting back to normal.... Then she started pulling out examples and you know what, she's bloody right.... It appears that I'm at least 90% out of the deep freeze....

Most of my friends are of the firm opinion that I am a bit of a freak. Not only do I come easily, I'm multi-orgasmic and generally don't stop until I either a0 hurt myself or b) the desperate need for oxygen forces me to or c) until I actually pass out (again - oxygen is a good thing).

In a way, this is great.

In a way, its not so good.

A high sex-drive (particularly now it appears that its getting back to normal) is great when you have a partner who can match it but not so great when you don't and you're the type of girl who is unable to just go out there and shag anyone.

It has finally reached the point where DIY is just no longer doing it for me. I can come more times then I can count and still be just as hungry as when I started - more so, in fact. Keep going and it doesn't matter - no matter what I do, its just not cutting it anymore. In actual fact, I think its just making it worse. I am in physical pain right now and I have the attention span of a stapler.

This almost leaves me with a dilemma. Kman is willing. I know that. In fact, he's been remarkably un-subtle about his preparedness to help me out here. The problem is that yes, he's a great friend so I do trust him to a certain extent and yes, I have it on good authority that he's great in bed and yes, I actually am a little attracted to him and yes, it would certainly be convenient and would most likely help…. But (there's always a 'but') …..I just don't want to go there.

I've hemmed and hawed and waffled on about 'ruining the friendship' and all that other crap, but at the end of the day, as much as I need a good hard fuck right now, I just don't want one.

Or not from him. Or from anyone else who's available to provide said service.

Someone said to me today 'You and I both know if you wanted a good shag you could go out and find one...so you just have to accept the truth you either don't want it, or you want it with all the entanglements that is a relationship'

It sucks that this person was right.

It sucks that I can't let go and actually have sex with someone and enjoy it no matter how badly I want to until I have that emotional security.

I hate being me right now.