La la la

I have come to the conclusion that I am not suited for this job.

In fact, i am not suited to any job that involves dealing with any member of the general public.

Conversely, I am not suited to any job that doesn't involve a whole lot of communication and interaction with others.

What to do?

xoxox

I suspect i would be more tolerant of her if she was my nanna, rather then someone elses.

On the plus side, at least I don't lock her in the car just to get away from her like another live in carer I spoke to recently - you aren't allowed to do that to a dog ffs, how can you do that to an old woman?????!!!!

xoxox

I am going to be screwed when I get home - all my jobs over here have been non-jobs (or my idea of non-jobs anyway - there's never been enough bloody work to keep me occupied all day, even when i have been doing 3 peoples jobs). So just imagine how i am going to struggle going back to a job that actually expects me to work (not surf the net or read) all day ?????

Christ.

xoxox

Someone asked me recently what I intend to do differently when I get home, I've mulled over it for a while and here is part of my answer -

I think the biggest changes will be the ones I am unconscious of. Friends have mentioned how much I have changed and the things they point out are the things that had actually slipped my notice.

I'm not going to go hoem trying to change everything (no need - I'm pretty fucking wonderful, after all) or too many things - mainly because even the best juggler can only keep so many balls in the air at once - I'd rather change a couple of things at a time and actually change then try to do too many things, decide its too hard and throw the towel in.

Therefore, 'Things I Am Going To Make A Specific Effort To Do' when I get home include (but are not limited to) :-

* Being more open to meeting new people - I meet a lot of new people all the time but always hold them at arms length (with a smile, of course). My aim is to try to stop holding everyone at arms length and to actually be open to them rather then just seeming to be.

* Being more honest about what I want - I don't do so well at that. Pair of shoes??? New dress??? I can tell you ALLLLLLL about how much I want it. When it comes to what I really want however, well, I am pretty crap at that.

Instinct kicks in and I just want to run - no matter how minor or off the cuff the question is, I clam up. To give an open and honestly felt response is very difficult for me.

I almost never talk about what I am really thinking and what I am really feeling, or rather, the depths of what I am really thinking and really feeling - I'll give you a surface commentary quite willingly, but to scratch that and go deeper, to actually get right down to the nitty gritty of what I want, what I think and so forth is something that I just never do. I can admit it to myself, but to someone else????

This blog has helped a lot in learning to be honest about that, but now I have to move that into RL and just quietly, thats bloody hard.

* Being a hell of a lot more brave then I am - so that I can actually do the 2 things I've said above and a couple of others I am still turning over in my mind. I may post about them another time - I'm freaking out enough about posting that (above) for now.

xoxox

"No matter what else happens during the day, you can always choose what you have for lunch"

I don't watch a lot of TV, but I happened to turn on the TV when Boston Legal was on a few weeks ago and I have remembered that line ever since.

It's a great line.

The glass is half full people!

xoxox