I’m sure they do it just to hurt me…

If there is one thing I hate, its cover versions. Some songs should never be touched – The Doors, Janis, U2, the Eagles, the Rolling Stones, ‘Angels’ by Robbie Williams (although Jessica Simpson killed that for me – actually, she’s destroyed a couple), George Benson, Dusty Springfield, Sinatra, Nancy Sinatra and a few others have all produced songs that are quite simply perfect and how can you improve on perfection???

Why would you even try, knowing that you were doomed to fail and fail quite spectacularly?? Go find your own song you fuckwits.


Britney Spears ‘I love Rock & Roll’ was only forgiven by me because a) I feel sorry for her and b) my lesbian friend JJ would kick my ass if I hated on Britney (to give you an idea of how much JJ loves Britney, she was once at a party with Moby and she was begging him to play Britney… when he finally realised she was serious, he then spent a few hours going through all different music with her and trying to educate her… it didn’t work. Poor guy had to go have a lot more drugs to recover from the trauma)

Destiny’s Child ‘Emotions’ made me want to throw the radio out the window every time I heard it and I only forgave them because Beyonce is so hot.

I still bear a grudge though.


However, it has come to my attention that 2 crimes against music have recently been committed….

First, I would like to direct your attention to exhibit A –

Mary J has covered U2’s ‘One’.

The first time I heard this, I was transfixed with horror. Every time since then, I have had to change the station. Now, I happen to like Mary J… well… I have nothing against her anyway – she’s had some good songs and she’s proved that she doesn’t need to go digging through someone else’s back catalogue to have a hit.

If you’re going to cover anyone then U2 are certainly going to be somewhere near the top of your list (I’m a U2 fan, I’m biased and I can live with it) but WHY, oh god WHY would you choose to cover ‘One’ ??? There are some songs that simply should not be tampered with and that is most definitely ‘one’ of them (sorry – it’s no joking matter but I couldn’t resist) …. Mary J is now worthy only of death so far as I’m concerned just make sure you bury her deep so she doesn’t pollute anything else.

Exhibit B is one that I can barely bring myself to type without throwing myself on the floor and beating the carpet with my fists in fury whilst howling with despair ….

Please allow me a moment to compose myself….

(Breath in…. breathe out…..)

Right…

Some wench – I neither know nor care to know her name – has covered Janis Joplin’s ‘Take Another Little Piece Of My Heart’.

‘Take Another Little Piece Of My Heart’ just happens to be one of my most loved songs of all time.

There are a lot of songs that I ‘love’ but this one…. This holds a special place in my heart which means that so far as I’m concerned, this can only be described as an attack on music itself.

There is no punishment great enough to inflict on someone who is bold enough, brazen enough, to commit this sacrilege…. Once upon a time excommunication was the ultimate punishment – we need a new one….

In the meantime, I suggest we hang draw and quarter her, making sure to give her plenty of time to ponder the nature and severity of her crime.

I want her to suffer as much as I do every time I hear her ‘sing’ this song.