Hot Tip For The Menfolk

Sooooo… last night drinks with the guy who seemed normal.

Now, I am going to say, right at the outset, that if I make any jokes in here, they are going to be in poor taste (there is no other taste they could possibly be in) and I really, REALLY don't think that it’s a funny situation but it was very high in the WTF??? Stakes and my instinctive reaction in circumstances like those is to joke so please do not hold it against me or tell me I am a bad person... I probably am but that doesn't mean I want to hear it.

You may continue…

So, after an afternoon spent in torment I finally finished work - well, when I say I finished work, I mean it went 5pm and I could justifiably leave hell without anyone asking questions - much of a muchness really… Anyway, I went & touched up my makeup, reapplied scent and wandered back to my desk to shut down my computer. He rocked up to my desk at 5.25pm (we had agreed 5.30pm so he gets points for the 5 mins early thing) and off we went.

Conversation to the bar was easy, we got there, ordered our first drink (yes, of course he paid) and conversation flowed quite nicely through that drink and the second one and even the third one (I was so good - I even alternated & made sure to have something non-alcoholic for my 2nd drink). We then started discussing dinner options/preferences. So far this is so boring its mind-numbing - I'm sorry about that but thank you for still sticking with me - even if it is only because you all have a sneaking suspicion its about to come unstuck and really, that suspicion shouldn't be sneaking - it should have blaring sirens, neon lights and some of those funny clown shoes (just 'cause I like them) ….. and a red nose that honks when you squeeze it (because I say so).

Now here is where I have a question for the ladies - what, exactly, do you say to a guy who, over drinks, suddenly blurts out that you look EXACTLY like his fiancée?

But wait - it gets better...

While you are pondering a possible response to that little pearler that wouldn't get you hauled before a judge, imagine he continues with the clarification that his fiancée is actually dead - she dropped dead about a year ago for no reason whatsoever - they did the autopsy and nada - no medical reason why she should have died - he came home from work, saw her lying in the bed, thought she was sleeping and so cooked dinner - it wasn't until he went to wake her that he discovered that she was.. Uh… no longer with us…

Now, this is a terrible situation, I really felt for him and I mean that in all honesty - I really really felt for this guy, but for fucks sake - I didn't know her, I barely knew him - besides from 'Oh my god, I'm so sorry to hear that' what can you really do (besides from make a mental note to double check that you weren't one of a pair of twins and adopted) or say???

Especially when he then reiterates how I not only LOOK like her, I walk like her, talk like her, laugh like her, like the same foods as her (anything except sand, mud and tofu I presume), dress like her….Is it just me, or does that make it TOTALLY fucking weird-crazy-let-me-the-fuck-outta-here that he's asked me out to drinks & dinner??????

And is this really a conversational topic that he should then pursue for THE REST OF THE EVENING??????????

I was tempted to make a comment about how right now, I probably smell better then her but that would be crass.

Possibly even a little heartless??

Hands up who wants to know what uncomfortable feels like?? Because if you do, just ask me - I can give you a detailed description right now.

I finally managed to escape - not as easy to do as it sounds when a housemate has already called earlier in the evening and been informed that plans for the night have already been made with Mr I'm-trying-to-replace-my-dead-fiancée (not that I knew that then of course) … Can you believe he asked me for my number and if we could go out again? If my face didn't clearly say 'Buddy -you haven't got a hope in hell' then I am a better actress then I thought. I was nice.. I think I was nice…I tried to be anyway, but there was no way I was giving in on this one.

I was so traumatised when I got home I had to go call my sister. When she finally stopped laughing, she had a panic attack thinking that he's going to kidnap me and keep me in his cellar for the rest of my life so I can't leave him. *Sigh* I don't think he's that nuts, he just has some issues.

What the hell is it with me and guys?

So that’s my hot tip for the menfolk - got a girl who you want to weird out (just because you can) ?? Try this one at home… I dare you.