Conversation # 2

A few weeks ago, out at a party, LH met a guy…. and what a guy – he was hot, he was smart, he was funny and I am reliably informed that between the two of them they were generating enough electricity to power half of London at least.

The only problem was that LH has a boyfriend.

She was upfront with this guy and told him that she had a boyfriend but since then she hasn’t been able to stop thinking about him.

Now, don’t get me wrong – her bf is ok – he’s ‘nice’ but he’s a genius at emotional manipulation – so really, he’s not that nice…. They've been together for about 4 years - they just sort of drifted into it when she was at uni. She broke up with him a few months back and he guilted her into going away with him for a week before he went to India for work and then spent the week expertly manoeuvring her into a position where she would take him back (yes – there was lots of great sex involved too but there was also a WHOLE lot of guilt tripping going on).

She is totally fucking miserable in this relationship. She’s always so sad and it’s driving MH & I nuts. So on Monday she came with MH & I into town and while we were at dinner (a Chinese rest in Soho which was the BEST I have ever been to) and while we were having dessert at Haagen Daz, we were talking about her relationship and why she hasn’t ended it with him.

One particular part of the conversation went like this...

Me: Ok, so why don’t you want to break up with him then – and don’t fob me off with bullshit excuses – I want real reasons.
LH: Our relationship is working so well right now
Me: (looking at her incredulously)You just admitted you are miserable and you want to break up with him but your relationship is working really well right now?? How, pray tell, is it working so well?
LH: Because he’s in India

I don’t know what the look on my face was when she said that but it was enough to ensure that MH spat coke out all over the waitress who was walking past – she was laughing so hard that she couldn’t even apologise but LH and I never lost eye contact…

Me: I’m sorry, I just hallucinated – what did you say???
LH: (mumbling) It’s working because he’s in India
Me: Your relationship. Is working. Because. He’s. On. Another. Continent. .... Is that right?
LH: (still mumbling) Yes
Me: Your relationship is working because he’s on another continent….

I then said it about 4 or 5 times at different speeds and placing emphasis on different words.

MH had tears of laughter pouring down her face by this stage but she had managed to apologise to the waitress.


Me: Nope, sorry, whichever way I say it – it’s still stupid. Do you hear how fucking insane it is?? Do you hear me say that out loud and think ‘Yes, I’m a fucking idiot and that is a bullshit excuse?’

(Shuddup – I’m an expert at bullshit excuses so I’m allowed to call other people on them – particularly when there’s someone reading this at the moment who’s making a habit of calling me on mine) (You know who you are!!)

Me: So what are you planning to do?? Spend the rest of your lives on different continents?? That’ll be possible for the wedding - you can say 'I do' via phone I suppose but what are you going to do about having kids??? Express post ????
LH: (laughing) I don’t know!!!! .... *sigh * .... It’s just so hard!!!!!
Me: Well it certainly fucking will be – I don’t think his sperm is going to be of any use to you by the time it gets to England from India if you use express post… he’ll have to freeze it and then they can defrost it at this end when you go the turkey baster.

MH snorted coke out through her nose that time – that girl has got to learn to stop trying to drink when I’m talking but it was actually far less messy I guess. LH nearly choked on her Belgian waffle.

Me: You do realise that for most people, being in different countries is actually the hard part right?? That’s what will actually break a relationship unless you are both working towards the common goal of actually being together physically? And here you are saying that it’s that which is making your relationship bearable at the moment ??? What the fuck is wrong with you? Say it for me again and then think about it
LH: My relationship is working at the moment because we are on different continents….. yeah…. Ok….. you’re right….Can you break up with him for me???
Me: ??????????????


MH started laughing again.....


What am I going to do with this girl?????????????????

And when am I going to remember to carry a mirror so I can see why people keep laughing at my facial expressions??