Oh there's YEARS of rage in this one....

Ok, after a couple of comments I made on Russell’s blog (I still have no clue how to link – stop being lazy and use the one over on the side there… yep, that one) I decided to do a post on the top 10 annoyances on working in a call centre. The difficult part was how the hell can I narrow it down to just 10 ??????? Then it became very long - about 7 pages in fact. I managed to get it down to 5 but its still pretty long... I'd apologise but as I said, there's YEARS of rage in this one.

Now, to put this in perspective .... I worked in call centres for about 7 years and in that time I’ve held just about every position there is. Indulge me for a moment as I boast that very few people can handle angry customers as well as I can – I am a fucking expert. I know I may come across as a little ditsy sometimes and certainly since I’ve been posting here, you could be forgiven for thinking I don’t have much of a work ethic, however, the second a call dropped through to my phone, I was ‘on’ - NONE of my customers EVER called back to complain about getting wrong information from me or that they didn’t understand what I was trying to explain to them or that I didn’t follow up something I was supposed to follow up on.

I know that there are a lot of call centre consultants out there who have no clue what they are doing and who don’t give a shit – there really isn’t any horror story you could tell me that I couldn’t go you one better but working in a call centre is not a walk in the park and call centre workers deserve a lot more recognition then they get.

We are not just dealing with 120+ inane questions a day, we are constantly learning new information, we have to swallow your abuse, forget the abuse of the person before you, listen to what you are saying, hear what you are not saying and gain your trust while thinking of all the things that we need to tell you that you don’t know to ask about... and thats just when you want to change your address....We have to do that and solve your problems all (ideally) within 5 minutes because there are other people waiting just like you.

Y’all should be kissing the ground call centre workers walk on. Go do a survey of any call centre you like and I promise you that at least 80% of the staff will be alcoholics or regular drug users – it’s the only way to stay sane. If you aren’t an alcoholic when you start working in a call centre, you soon will be.

So, based upon years of frustration, here’s my top 10 things that make me want to reach down the phone and kill someone or that I really wish I could tell you sometimes.

1. Calling up without your account/policy/membership number.

This is the best way to start the entire conversation off on the wrong foot. Seriously. It may not seem like a big deal to you and we may reassure you that its fine and we are happy to search for your details for you, but you know something? We’re lying. Through gritted teeth.

Just like we lied to the 72 fucking morons before you who called us up without their fucking details.

Depending on how bad a day I’ve had, this is a very good way to ensure you are going to spend some time on hold. This is especially true if you say that you knew you had to call us today but you forgot / couldn’t be bothered / didn’t think to look for it before you went to work today…Let me get this straight – you knew you were going to call and you knew that it was the first thing I was going to ask you for so that I could help you – but you couldn’t be bothered ??????? Help me to help you fuckwit – is it really so much to ask?????


2. People who don’t read letters we send them.

I’m going to quote an actual conversation that I once heard while quality listening, because although I had to kick his ass for saying it, the consultant was saying what I and many others have wanted to say many times… the fact I couldn’t stop laughing and the fact that I then deleted the call from the records and taped another one of his calls to replace it probably gave that away….

Cons: (very pleasantly) Well we left voice mail messages on 3 separate days and we sent you a letter regarding this issue on 27th April, 11th May and the 25th May as well as doing a 3 page article on these changes in our quarterly magazine that we sent to you on the 10th of June – so we have certainly made every attempt to communicate this information to you. Did you receive the letters or have you had any trouble with any of your other mail?
Cust: (indignantly) I don’t read those letters you send me! I throw them out.
Cons: (slightly stunned) You don’t read them?
Cust: (still indignant) If I read everything you people send me, I’d do nothing but read all day!
Cons: (clearly pissed off) Well I think that’s very rude you know. We don’t send you those letters because we enjoy paying postage – we send you those letters because we are trying to communicate important information to you and if you simply throw them out without reading them then you cannot blame us for the fact that you didn’t know these changes were coming. We’ve been attempting to contact you and you have deliberately ignored our efforts and now you think its our fault that you were ignorant of these changes?????? You have got to be kidding me!!!!!!!!!!

This one is simple – read the fucking letters we send you. If you don’t understand it, leave it a day or so and read it again. If you still don’t understand it, call us and we will explain it to you. 99% of consultants would rather explain something to you 4 different ways over the phone until you get it then have you not understand something and then have that lack of understanding cause problems later on down the line.

Pick up the goddamn phone and call us - and for christ’s sake, make sure you have your membership/policy/account details AND that letter with you when you do.


3. People who call up and immediately ask to speak to a supervisor.

I understand that you’re pissed off. Really, I do. And I understand that your first instinct is to go straight for the boss to make your displeasure clear. But refusing to give me anything – even your name – is not the right way to go about getting your complaint resolved and does nothing but piss the consultant and the manager off.

90% of the time, the consultant can resolve your issue. If you call to make a complaint, just give the consultant the fucking details, go through the ID process and once that’s been satisfied, explain the problem clearly, calmly and rationally and then tell them what you want them to do to resolve it. If you don’t have a solution or your solution is not feasible, then listen to what they suggest – they do this all day every day remember??? Chances are, they know their shit.

If the consultant thinks that solving this is beyond them, they will pass you on to someone more appropriate who can help you fix this as soon as possible. And the best bit is, when they do, they will normally explain the problem, including RELEVANT detail, which means you wont need to go through it again – they may ask you to recap or they may recap themselves just to be sure they understand and that its been explained to them correctly - which is, after all, simple courtesy and far better then having them focus on resolving the wrong part of the issue first - but at least you wont have to go through it All. Over. Again.

Most companies have very precise and clearly defined guidelines as to how complaints are to be escalated and you simply cannot jump them. You need to speak to a consultant first. If they can’t fix it or you are not happy with the solution they offer then you speak to a supervisor. If they can’t help you then you would normally either speak to the next manager up or you would be transferred to a dedicated complaints department that exists purely to deal with complaints that may result in litigation OR are simply the result of difficult assholes who refuse to be placated simply because they’re a cunt.

Most companies and their representatives want to solve your problems – let them.

And by the way - just because the letter you received was signed by the regional manager or Managing Director, doesn’t actually mean that he or his fucking secretary sat there & typed it up, popped it in an envelope and posted it to you - so don’t bother asking to speak to him because he’s not fucking available. Unless you are a personal friend in which case you already have his direct line so why are you calling me?


4. Interrupting when the consultant is speaking / talking over the top of the consultant.

OOOOOOOOOOOOH this makes my blood boil. Do this to me and I promise you that no matter how valid I think your complaint is, the first chance I get, I’m going to put you on hold while I spend 5 mins swearing about how rude you are. Do it to me again and then I’m going to put you back on hold and spend another 5 mins sending emails to people telling them how rude you are (or making plans to go out drinking… sometimes both) and then I’m going to go get myself a can of coke from the vending machine over the other side of the office (and stop to say hi to a few people on the way) before I take you off hold again… if I’m really lucky, by the time I come back, you’ll have blown your own brains out rather then listen to that hold music any longer …..

If they are explaining something and you don’t understand, then wait until they pause for a moment and then ask them to explain it again – most of us will be able to explain something to you in at least 4 different ways because we know that everyone has a different learning process.

Don’t fucking speak over the top of your consultant. Yes they may be a twat for not telling you what you want to hear, but let them finish – basic, common courtesy seems to fall by the wayside the second people pick up the phone. People say things to call centre consultants that would see you getting sued if you said them to someone in the office or in any other area of your life.

If you are rude, I don’t want to help you. I will, because I’m supposed to be a professional. I’ll still go 1 extra mile for you - because that’s what I do, but if you’d treated me like a human being, I would have gone for 2, bet you regret calling me a ‘brainwashed bitch’ now, don’t you, fuckwit?.


5. Be honest.

You wouldn’t think that being honest would be such a big ask. Take your home loan for instance. I’m sitting here looking at your bank account transactions. I’m looking at your home loan details. I can see exactly how much money you earn, I know you had thai for dinner on Friday night and I know that you get your hair cut at the same salon that I do. So why are you lying to me about why you cant make your payment this month??? I know how often you put petrol in your car for christsake. Do you really think I’m that stupid????????????

After 7 years, there is not one lie that you can tell me that I haven’t heard and I ALWAYS know when someone is lying to me over the phone. I have a 6th sense that kicks in whenever I am listening to a voice down the phone line. I may let it slide and not bust your ass for it, but don’t kid yourself that I didn’t know.

And because I now know that you are a liar, I am going to be that much more on guard and that much less likely to believe anything you say next.

6. Take names, dates and times.

Keep a notepad by the phone, take the date & the consultants name as a matter of course – most will only give out their first name for security reasons, but they can offer you either an ID # for the call or their user number which is all you need. I once worked in a call centre that had 17 guys called “Steve” which was a fucking nightmare when people didn’t bother to take down the user id so just do it. For me. OK ????

As a consultant and certainly as a supervisor, I remembered every call I took - once I'd had my memory jogged by looking at their details on screen anyway - and I could also remember details of the conversation and quote them back, word, pitch and intonation perfect for anything up to a month or so afterwards but not all consultants have that good a memory.

If this is a complaint or ongoing issue, jot down the time and some notes as well – such as the time frames for resolution, date or time of anticipated call back etc.


7. Make sure you allow lots of time when you call.

There is nothing more infuriating then someone who doesn’t allow enough time to call. You may think its going to be a quick call but if you knew shit about your insurance or your home loan or whatever the fuck you have with us, you wouldn’t be calling me in the first place.

Suspending that payment (which takes 30 seconds) may put your loan into arrears – which means you’ll have to speak to collections. We don’t even hold on to introduce you to them, we just dump you through because it takes at least 15 mins to get through & you have to speak to them because we can’t suspend that payment until after you’ve spoken to them & made arrangements... Don’t you wish you’d allowed more then 5 mins before you went into that meeting now eh??

Alternately, I once had a woman call up to suspend a payment and while making general conversation with her (while accessing her account details) I discovered that their financial position had changed radically and she hadn’t reviewed her loan in 3 years since she first took it. She had 3 credit cards, a store card, a personal loan and had just had a child. 30 mins later she hung up.

In that time I’d found out how much her husband earned, worked out how she could consolidate their debts and cut 14 years off the term of their home loan and save themselves over $55K in interest and still have a very good lifestyle, rather then sort of struggling to pay everything as they currently were due to poor financial organisation.

Allow lots of time when you call – you don’t know if there is going to be a queue to get through in the first place, if your enquiry may not be as simple as it seems, or if your consultant may be able to help you in ways you weren’t looking for and just didn’t expect.


8. When we try to ‘sell’ you something, we really are trying to help.

Yes we have KPI’s to meet and yes, some people will try to flog you anything in order to achieve their targets and make their bonus but very few people I have worked with have tried to ‘sell’ something indiscriminately, in fact, most of us resent being forced to try to ‘sell’ you things – I’m not a fucking salesperson – if I was a salesperson, I would work in sales but I’m not so I don’t.

Another woman called up to enquire about cash back off her loan – she’d also just had a child and she and her partner had no insurance at all – no life, no income protection, nothing. I convinced her, much against her better judgement to set up an appointment with one of our wealth management guys who was also very good at his job. She always called and spoke to me after that – often, I think, just to complain about how much money they were paying out for this insurance that they were never going to use.

3 months after taking out the cover, when her baby was 5 mths old, her husband died in a single vehicle car accident. I heard through the wealth management guy and I sent flowers to the funeral. Afterwards, she called to thank me – not just for the flowers but also for arguing with her that day and pretty much forcing her to make that appointment. The payout didn’t bring her husband back, but at least it meant she didn’t have to worry about the mortgage when her world was falling apart.

I, like many others, will only ever suggest something if I genuinely see a need. I’ve just spent some time talking to you about your most personal details - I’ve asked you what you want out of your life and where you’re going, you are a real person to me and I can see where you are vulnerable because I do this all day, every day and its my fucking job to look for flaws, patterns and needs. If you don't take whats on offer then thats fine - its not my problem, but don't refuse something out of hand, just because we suggested it rather then you - most of the time, we really are just trying to help.


9. Sometimes, we just fuck up.

Sometimes, you aren’t really an idiot. Sometimes, your question is valid. Sometimes, I really don’t have an excuse for what we’ve done to you and I can only apologise that we’ve fucked up once again.

I’m sorry. I really really am sorry. And I mean that. I don’t have any excuses. I’m not being a smart ass. I really do apologise. And it would be really nice if you’d accept that fucking apology and get off my back while I try to figure out how the hell I am going to make this not just better, but mind-blowingly good for you.

We’re all human – so cut me some freakin slack.


10. You would be AMAZED at what we can do for you if we really, really want to.

I once went for a job interview and they asked me what I thought the job really was. My response?

“Giving the customer what they want, when they want, how they want, because they want it… and most importantly, knowing which rules I can break, which rules I can bend and which rules must remain inviolate while I do it”

That’s a pretty common attitude for call centre professionals.

I’m not talking about back packers who are there for 2 mths before taking off again – they don’t know their ass from their elbow and I have never worked in a call centre that uses them in anything other then a total fucking emergency. I have only ever worked with people who, if they aren’t passionate about their job and about helping people, they are at least anal enough (or focused enough on getting their bonus) to do it right anyway because that’s what they signed up for and they will do their job to the best of their ability no matter how much they hate it.

I have never, no matter how much of an asshole the person has been, taken any enjoyment in telling someone that their claim has been rejected due to not having appropriate cover – I’ve lied to assessors to get claims approved for customers who treated me like shit – not because I was afraid to go back to the customer and say ‘no’ (hell, sometimes it would have made my day) – but because it was important to me to do my best for them regardless.

I can give you hundreds of incidents where other consultants I know have done the exact same thing - we’ve coached customers on what to say in order to get claims approved, we’ve put fake call records on the system detailing calls that never happened in order to get things backdated and approved, we’ve lied to every level of management possible to get shit through and bribed managers to pay out claims on an ex-gratia basis for things that should never have been covered.

We’ve deliberately left out info that would get a claim sent to Risk & Investigation and rejected. We’ve lied to get your interest rate lowered by .5%, I’ve sat on the phone to Centrelink for 2 hours of my own time just to confirm if a particular payment type can be classed as ‘income’ or not so that I can get a fucking loan through when some other idiot rejected it when they shouldn’t have. I have stayed back for 4 hours trying to solve something that wasn’t my error and gone head to head with sales, regional and state managers because no one else was prepared to fight for this for you. I’ve watched co-workers ring the ombudsman and ask for help and advice on how to force something through, only to be told by them that we don’t have to do it as the customer is expecting too much – and the consultant has still forced the issue and gotten what they wanted to for their customer.

Sometimes, we really can't do anything more for you - we've tried our best - we've bribed, threatened, bargained and sweated blood trying to get something through. If you asked us to break the rules for you, we'd have to say no - because if you know we are prepared to break the rules so easily for you once, then you'll expect it all the time and there are some that we just can't break.

But other times, when you don't ask us for it, when you've totally given up on ever getting this through, you really would be amazed at just what we do to get some of those things through for you .... if we really want to.