Flypaper for freaks.

A few weeks ago now, I was sitting at home one night, minding my own business, feeling relaxed and a little sleepy when my cheating ex decided to call. Now, the last email that I ever sent him wasn’t particularly nice and it made it very clear that I never wanted to hear from him again.

I spent a fair bit of time trying to work out how he got my UK number and it wasn’t until I asked one of my ex-workmates if she thought any of my other workmates would have been stupid enough to give it to him that she told me that my weekly emails home get sent out to all the teams in each business area that I have worked – and he works in one of them.

Anyway, this particular evening (my time – it was about 4am Oz time) he was lying in bed, alone, because he and his fiancée (you know, the mother of his child) had had a fight and she was sleeping in the spare room so he was feeling lonely and decided to call me…. As you do…. Because I know if I cheated on someone and broke their heart, I’d be calling them on the other side of the world to tell them how much I missed them and when were they coming back and could we try again…. Particularly when I was about 3 mths out from my wedding….

Anyway, I simply told him to go read the last email I ever sent him – nothing had changed. (If I can find it, I’ll even post it on this blog for you all at some stage as it’s a bit of a classic and according to C & K it’s the best thing I have ever written ….although going by this blog, you could be forgiven for thinking that that’s not saying much, however, rest assured that I do a very good line in snarky emails - just in case any of you ever need any help)

And then yesterday, at work, I get another call from him.

He was out in the city, blind drunk (they’d had another fight so he went into town to get smashed) and once he’d succeeded in his quest to drink as much alcohol as possible, he decided to call me again.

Fuckwit.

It took me a while to work out who it was as he was slurring so badly but when I worked it out the conversation went kind of like this –

FW: I love you
Me: Right –
FW: Noooo – you don’t unnerstan – I LOVE you
Me: Wow, that’s a bit of a problem for you right there then, isn’t it? Go home and sleep it off.
FW: Nooooo! I’m seri- hic - serious, I really love you mumble mumble
Me: You are clearly pissed and I am at work – go to bed and tomorrow, apologise to your fiancée for being a cunt
FW: But I REALLY love you, I wanna see you, come home mumble mumble something mumble
Me: (exasperated but also considering laughing at just how truly fucking ridiculous this is) Look, I am going to hang up, I suggest you go home, you have no clue what you are talking about and frankly, I don’t care – fuck off and don’t call me again.

I hung up

He called back.

FW: Did you ‘ang up on me or did the line cut out?
Me: I hung up on you – just like I am about to again. Goodbye.
FW: NOOOOOOO-

I hung up again

He called back again

Me: (hissed angrily down the phone) If you don’t stop fucking calling me I am going to call Telstra and report you for harassing me – how much more clear can I make it ??? There is nothing that you have to say that interests me. Fuck off and do not call me.
FW: Bu-

I hung up again

This time I turned my ph off.

Son of a BITCH.