Wankers

If you have lived in London & travelled on peak hour tubes, you know how crowded they get - Sydney public transport has nothin' on London public transport for crowding… neither does Melbourne and I know this for a fact as I have at various times travelled on all of them during peak hour. Brisbane of course is a dream in comparison.

Basically, imagine being packed in tighter then sardines, you can't even raise a hand to hold onto something to hold your balance but it doesn't really matter that much as you are packed in so tightly that you have nowhere to fall anyway. Your head is probably wedged into the (hopefully clean smelling) armpit of the lucky bastard behind or next to you who CAN reach a hand hold and odds are on you are getting a close view of someones tie (sometimes, I really wish I was a little taller).

So picture that… it's first thing in the morning and inevitably someone has awful morning breath and no matter how much you squirm, you can't escape it.

So just as you are starting to feel REALLY uncomfortable, imagine that the man behind or beside you has a raging hard on and decides to press it up against you…



Every morning (ok, not quite every morning) when I catch the tube to work, there is this one guy who keeps doing this. He's actually quite good looking and dresses well but this seriously shits me.Now I understand that guys do sometimes get randoms but I also know that many men simply control it and I know that some can't. The first couple of times it happened I thought I was either imagining things ('Surely he wouldn't ??') then I thought he couldn't help it ('Hey, it's morning') and then finally I realised that it was deliberate.

I have an issue with are the guys who deliberately produce it - what does he think I'm going to do? Does he think that one day I'm going to turn around and say 'You, me, right here, right now big boy' ?

Does he think I'm going to hop off the tube & follow him to a stairwell or alley way for a quick shag before work (Boss: Giggles, why are you late today? Me: Well you see this guy on the train spent the entire journey pushing his erection into my spinal cord as hard as he could & it was just such a turn on I had to have him then & there, sorry about that .. Boss: Oh, well, that’s ok then)

I mean seriously…


Sometimes, if I am lucky, I will manage to get myself across the other side of the section / room (what do you call that space where you first hop onto the train, where the doors are??) (besides from that of course - that takes way too long to type every time) and then I only have to put up with him staring at my breasts (and the one time I was silly enough to make eye contact while glaring at him he just licked his lips and smiled ARGH!)

Anyway, this morning I was feeling a little cranky - somehow my bank got my London number on file and this morning they called me at stupid o'clock to ask me if I wanted to do a survey - a survey??? Are you joking??? At 4.30am??? How can you dial in that number and not realise that its an overseas number??? Fuck off loser and let me try to get back to sleep.

Sorry - back on topic now - so I saw him get on the train and I was just pleading with God to let him stand anywhere but near me but as luck would have it, he didn't. At each stop as people got on & off I would move around a bit - trying to get away from him and each time he simply followed me. When I was squished up between someone who clearly thinks that a daily bath is a dangerous and radical innovation and his constant erection - which I am sure will leave an indentation in my buttocks - I finally decided that enough was enough so I turned around and very politely but very loudly asked him if he could possibly refrain from pressing his erection against my ass as I was getting a little annoyed with having to endure this and his leering almost every day.

Half a dozen people looked horrified, half the carriage collapsed in laughter and he turned bright red, muttered an apology and got off at the next stop. He couldn't get off fast enough.

A blonde woman who catches the train every day leaned across to me after he got off (and after she finally managed to stop laughing) and told me that he does it to her too and congratulated me for saying something. We spent the rest of the train journey bitching about him. I will be interested to see if he catches that tube again or if he starts catching another one.

Wanker.