I am a kindhearted superfox - and so are you!
Got an email from a friend of mine today advising me that SS is pregnant and BM’s baby is healthy…. Normally I am delighted to hear about things like that but these 2 really brought back some bad memories.
BM was the first man I ever really loved. I had had bf’s before but I have never really been a ‘head over heels’ kind of girl – I had never ever been so totally enthralled by a man before in my life and would never have believed that I was capable of loving someone as passionately and intensely as I did him. This was so far removed from the warm, affectionate and - in many cases - enduring kind of love that i had had for my previous bf's as to be from a totally different planet. The best thing about it was that he appeared to love me the same way.
I say "appeared"…
BM was really keen to settle down – he wanted to move in together within weeks of us getting together then get married, have kids the whole bit.
I was quite happy to do that but I didn’t want it to move so fast – I wasn’t ready to move in with him within days (call me crazy) I explained that I loved him but saw no reason to rush and I was under the impression that he understood and accepted this. Then, about 5 mths later, right after we had finished having sex, he announced that he had slept with SS……..
SS stands for Sales Slut… which gives you some idea of what I think of her and I gave her that nickname before she slept with my bf.
She was engaged to someone else, also worked in our dept and yet still threw herself at him even though she knew we were together. She had actually thrown herself at him once before when he & I were still at the flirting stage and he turned her down – he told me about it at the time and it didn’t bother me – I wasn’t the one engaged to her so it wasn’t my problem after all. No, my problem with her stemmed from the fact that she was an ugly, bitchy, stupid slag who had no ability to do her job, got her (saggy) tits out at every office party and piled on the makeup with a trowel (and didn’t match her foundation properly so she ended up with a distinct tide mark around her face / neck) URGH!
BM couldn’t really understand why I had a problem with this and why we couldn’t all be one big happy family.. something about wanting to have his cake and eat it to I think…
The worst thing was that then he kept me in knots for months. I knew deep down inside that I couldn’t get back with him because I would never be able to trust him, but I made the mistake of trying to stay friends with him (we worked together after all – it was quite awful) when I decided that I couldn’t do that he would come and sit on my desk and talk to me, call me on my ext and keep ringing back if I hung up on him, call me on the weekend, send me upwards of 40 emails a day and basically was there every time I so much as turned around no matter how hard I tried to avoid him.
My friends were invaluable during this time – because we all sat together they would make it as difficult as possible for him to talk to me alone, they would come and sit on my desk and make him very uncomfortable being there etc and they bought me doughnuts and McFlurries and took me out drinking when I was down because of his mind games.
He lied and said he wasn’t seeing her when he was so that I would still sleep with him (which I was stupid enough to do several times, even though I kind of knew he wasn’t being honest), he told me that he made a mistake and really wanted to be with me, he talked about his plans for the future and what it would be like once we got back together and all the time – he was seeing her. It took him months to admit it.
I don’t think I can adequately describe just how a broken heart felt to me – its that tearing sensation in your chest that just doesn’t go away, its total disorientation when you look up and see that person standing there and you go to smile and realise that they are not yours to smile at like that anymore, it’s the tight chest that makes it impossible to breathe when you turn around and see him standing there with her and they are smiling at each other, it’s the tightened straining muscles of your throat and the burning of eyes as you strain to hold back tears as someone else asks you if you are ok and its the incredibly awful feeling of the hair on the back of your neck standing on end when you have to hop in a lift and the doors open and they are in there with their tongues down each others throats.
Even after he & SS broke up (she cheated on him with one of his friends – oh the irony), he was still trying to convince me to get back together with him and he had already started seeing another girl. I had moved departments by this stage so that I was based in another building so that I wouldn’t have to be near him but he then got a transfer to the same area so I was right back to square one.
Even after I confronted him and told him I knew about the new gf and that I knew he was engaged to her & that she was pregnant, he still continued to try to get me to sleep with him. He was also sleeping with other women that he was meeting online during her pregnancy – what a prince…..
But this begs the question – why do we blind ourselves to so much? I am not a stupid girl (I admit to silly but i draw the line at stupid). From where I stand now, I can see that his behaviour was never acceptable – he frequently let me down and kept me dangling while we were together but I accepted it and I know so many of my friends who have done the same. Why do we allow love to so totally destroy our judgement? Why do we not listen to friends who try to warn us (as mine did)?
As women we say that we want a partner who will treat us well, respect us, love us for our faults and protect us – a man who will be a shelter from the storm, if you will. Not someone who will try to dominate and control us but someone who, when we get tired of carrying the load, will carry the burden for us until we feel we can pick it up again, the same way that we would for them and yet, when we find a man like this, we can’t deal with it – we screw it up. Instead we consistently go for assholes who treat us badly.
Part of it (I think) is because with an asshole, you always hold a little part of yourself back – just a little piece of your soul so that when it all ends, its almost a relief and you are still (mostly) intact. A nice guy is far more dangerous – to totally abandon our defences is terrifying and once you have done that for someone who has abused it, you are deeply wary of doing it again because you know how hard it was to recover that lost part of your soul last time.
We can’t believe that anyone is that nice – it has to be a trick, so we test them and punish them for other men's mistakes and push them away – trying to prove that we are right not to trust them. Then we tentatively decide that maybe they really are that nice and if so, then clearly they must be an idiot – there has got to be something wrong with them if they think we are so wonderful.
Where does this come from? Is it just because we are so used to guys who treat us like shit that anything else seems wrong? And which came first? The guys who treat us like shit or the poor self image that lets them get away with it???
I think the self image thing is the problem. You see, while men are learning how the most effective way to maim someone on a football field, we women are learning to dissect ourselves, our actions and the people around us. We are learning to analyse people rather then play by plays.
All of this analysis and introspection makes us very aware of our faults – why our faults? Because no one wants to be seen as ‘arrogant’ by proclaiming their good qualities.
When was the last time someone complimented you and you didn’t get embarrassed or feel awkward or wonder what the punch line was? When was the last time someone looked at you and said ‘hey you look great’ and you didn’t brush it off (unless it was one of your friends who knows just how much work goes into it and then its ok), when did someone last look at you and say ‘You are really smart / you are a good person / you are kind / you are amazing (in a good way)’ and you did not feel a little uncomfortable? We are taught to not take our good points too seriously because that’s arrogant – but we are taught to take our weaknesses as vile faults that we must work on – in short, we are trained to think that we are ‘bad’ people.
That’s why we put up with this shit. I thank God I never gave in because i came damn close. I thank God that he was stupid enough to sleep with SS and stupid enough to tell me about it. If he hadn’t, I could well have been oblivious to it all and I would be the one trapped in a relationship with a man with no integrity, no morals, no common decency and a total inability to remain faithful as well as a very small penis.
So starting here & now, I’m saying – loud & proud - that I’m fabulous and damnit – so are you.
BM was the first man I ever really loved. I had had bf’s before but I have never really been a ‘head over heels’ kind of girl – I had never ever been so totally enthralled by a man before in my life and would never have believed that I was capable of loving someone as passionately and intensely as I did him. This was so far removed from the warm, affectionate and - in many cases - enduring kind of love that i had had for my previous bf's as to be from a totally different planet. The best thing about it was that he appeared to love me the same way.
I say "appeared"…
BM was really keen to settle down – he wanted to move in together within weeks of us getting together then get married, have kids the whole bit.
I was quite happy to do that but I didn’t want it to move so fast – I wasn’t ready to move in with him within days (call me crazy) I explained that I loved him but saw no reason to rush and I was under the impression that he understood and accepted this. Then, about 5 mths later, right after we had finished having sex, he announced that he had slept with SS……..
SS stands for Sales Slut… which gives you some idea of what I think of her and I gave her that nickname before she slept with my bf.
She was engaged to someone else, also worked in our dept and yet still threw herself at him even though she knew we were together. She had actually thrown herself at him once before when he & I were still at the flirting stage and he turned her down – he told me about it at the time and it didn’t bother me – I wasn’t the one engaged to her so it wasn’t my problem after all. No, my problem with her stemmed from the fact that she was an ugly, bitchy, stupid slag who had no ability to do her job, got her (saggy) tits out at every office party and piled on the makeup with a trowel (and didn’t match her foundation properly so she ended up with a distinct tide mark around her face / neck) URGH!
BM couldn’t really understand why I had a problem with this and why we couldn’t all be one big happy family.. something about wanting to have his cake and eat it to I think…
The worst thing was that then he kept me in knots for months. I knew deep down inside that I couldn’t get back with him because I would never be able to trust him, but I made the mistake of trying to stay friends with him (we worked together after all – it was quite awful) when I decided that I couldn’t do that he would come and sit on my desk and talk to me, call me on my ext and keep ringing back if I hung up on him, call me on the weekend, send me upwards of 40 emails a day and basically was there every time I so much as turned around no matter how hard I tried to avoid him.
My friends were invaluable during this time – because we all sat together they would make it as difficult as possible for him to talk to me alone, they would come and sit on my desk and make him very uncomfortable being there etc and they bought me doughnuts and McFlurries and took me out drinking when I was down because of his mind games.
He lied and said he wasn’t seeing her when he was so that I would still sleep with him (which I was stupid enough to do several times, even though I kind of knew he wasn’t being honest), he told me that he made a mistake and really wanted to be with me, he talked about his plans for the future and what it would be like once we got back together and all the time – he was seeing her. It took him months to admit it.
I don’t think I can adequately describe just how a broken heart felt to me – its that tearing sensation in your chest that just doesn’t go away, its total disorientation when you look up and see that person standing there and you go to smile and realise that they are not yours to smile at like that anymore, it’s the tight chest that makes it impossible to breathe when you turn around and see him standing there with her and they are smiling at each other, it’s the tightened straining muscles of your throat and the burning of eyes as you strain to hold back tears as someone else asks you if you are ok and its the incredibly awful feeling of the hair on the back of your neck standing on end when you have to hop in a lift and the doors open and they are in there with their tongues down each others throats.
Even after he & SS broke up (she cheated on him with one of his friends – oh the irony), he was still trying to convince me to get back together with him and he had already started seeing another girl. I had moved departments by this stage so that I was based in another building so that I wouldn’t have to be near him but he then got a transfer to the same area so I was right back to square one.
Even after I confronted him and told him I knew about the new gf and that I knew he was engaged to her & that she was pregnant, he still continued to try to get me to sleep with him. He was also sleeping with other women that he was meeting online during her pregnancy – what a prince…..
But this begs the question – why do we blind ourselves to so much? I am not a stupid girl (I admit to silly but i draw the line at stupid). From where I stand now, I can see that his behaviour was never acceptable – he frequently let me down and kept me dangling while we were together but I accepted it and I know so many of my friends who have done the same. Why do we allow love to so totally destroy our judgement? Why do we not listen to friends who try to warn us (as mine did)?
As women we say that we want a partner who will treat us well, respect us, love us for our faults and protect us – a man who will be a shelter from the storm, if you will. Not someone who will try to dominate and control us but someone who, when we get tired of carrying the load, will carry the burden for us until we feel we can pick it up again, the same way that we would for them and yet, when we find a man like this, we can’t deal with it – we screw it up. Instead we consistently go for assholes who treat us badly.
Part of it (I think) is because with an asshole, you always hold a little part of yourself back – just a little piece of your soul so that when it all ends, its almost a relief and you are still (mostly) intact. A nice guy is far more dangerous – to totally abandon our defences is terrifying and once you have done that for someone who has abused it, you are deeply wary of doing it again because you know how hard it was to recover that lost part of your soul last time.
We can’t believe that anyone is that nice – it has to be a trick, so we test them and punish them for other men's mistakes and push them away – trying to prove that we are right not to trust them. Then we tentatively decide that maybe they really are that nice and if so, then clearly they must be an idiot – there has got to be something wrong with them if they think we are so wonderful.
Where does this come from? Is it just because we are so used to guys who treat us like shit that anything else seems wrong? And which came first? The guys who treat us like shit or the poor self image that lets them get away with it???
I think the self image thing is the problem. You see, while men are learning how the most effective way to maim someone on a football field, we women are learning to dissect ourselves, our actions and the people around us. We are learning to analyse people rather then play by plays.
All of this analysis and introspection makes us very aware of our faults – why our faults? Because no one wants to be seen as ‘arrogant’ by proclaiming their good qualities.
When was the last time someone complimented you and you didn’t get embarrassed or feel awkward or wonder what the punch line was? When was the last time someone looked at you and said ‘hey you look great’ and you didn’t brush it off (unless it was one of your friends who knows just how much work goes into it and then its ok), when did someone last look at you and say ‘You are really smart / you are a good person / you are kind / you are amazing (in a good way)’ and you did not feel a little uncomfortable? We are taught to not take our good points too seriously because that’s arrogant – but we are taught to take our weaknesses as vile faults that we must work on – in short, we are trained to think that we are ‘bad’ people.
That’s why we put up with this shit. I thank God I never gave in because i came damn close. I thank God that he was stupid enough to sleep with SS and stupid enough to tell me about it. If he hadn’t, I could well have been oblivious to it all and I would be the one trapped in a relationship with a man with no integrity, no morals, no common decency and a total inability to remain faithful as well as a very small penis.
So starting here & now, I’m saying – loud & proud - that I’m fabulous and damnit – so are you.
posted by Giggleworthy @ 4:24 PM
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