The best laid plans of mice and men....

Gang aft agley

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

The Heathrow Injection...

I'm sure you have all heard about the Heathrow Injection.

Frankly, i was feeling a little smug that i had managed to elude it ... no more....

I noticed on the weekend that my jeans were getting a little tight - well, they are always a little firm, thats how I like them, but they were a little TOO firm if you know what I mean (although, according to D my ass has never looked better). My worksuits have also been a little snug lately so I did something I normally never do...

I got on the scales...

I have put on 5kgs.. god knows when but i suspect sometime in the last couple of weeks and that is very bad - first its 5 kgs and then its 10... before you know it I'll be one of those people who cant leave the house (Anyone else see that episode of Nip/Tuck???)

ARGH

Starting today (right after I finish my mini pack of choc chip cookies) I am going on a diet... back to kickboxing for me post haste!!!

Revenge....

After reading Stephs latest post asking for suggestions for revenge on a friends cheating bf I have to say - it's an oldie but a goodie - prawn heads are the best!

Before I came overseas I was living with a friend of mine from work, we are a fairly close-knit group - its something to do with working nightshift I think - the only other people who have time off and are awake at the same time as you are your workmates so you end up spending a lot of time together.

My then flatmate (lets call him the Doctor) suddenly decided that one of our other friends was out to get him (that called 'paranoia' kids…) and so started to make her life hell in revenge.

Needless to say the poor girl (N) had no clue what was going on and the rest of the group was a bit baffled as well but no one really knew what was happening as he was telling everyone different stories. Finally my birthday rolled around and I decided to have a party.

The earliest i could fit my own birthday party in was Halloween & as there are not enough weekends in the year for me to go to all the parties I normally have on (what can I say - I'm loved), JM & the dr & I combined our parties & i decided that the party was to be at JM's place so that N could come along and not feel weird

A week before the party N told me that she was only going to drop in for an hour or so as she would feel very awkward that he was there and that was that. Until then I had been trying to stay out of it but once it threatened to interfere with my party I was over with this playing Switzerland business. We resolved things to the point where she could come to the party and not feel so bad because at least they were talking.

What I didn't know was that the dr had told her something that he had been told in confidence - something that he had also told me and a whole lot of other people and told all of us that we were the only one he'd told & we mustn't let on we know etc etc etc

Fucktard (ty to Steph - I love that word, never used it before but shall be again)

Anyway, it was about 10pm and I was smashed - we were drinking cocktails and if I do say so myself I make the best damn cocktails (that’s been conf in London as well - not just Brisbane people!) when all of a sudden all hell broke loose.

N had gone to the person who 'owned' the secret that the dr had been telling and told them that she knew & that she was there for them if they needed her (perfectly understandable if you know what the secret is, I promise) the owner of the secret then confronted the dr wanting to know who else had been told and the dr totally lost it.

I've wandered out the front, cocktail in hand to be confronted by the dr screaming at them and then running off down the road and the secret owner nearly breaking down and N (who I would have sworn couldn't cry) crying…

So as the resident counsellor I proceeded to spend the next 2 hours of my birthday party patching things up. Once I realised that N knew the secret and she realised I did she broke down again, in the middle of resolving this K1 has wandered - drunk, happy & totally oblivious - into the bedroom and suggested a spa bath (remember I have a thing for water when I am drunk), I told her to run the bath and I'd join her later.

Patched up N, mixed her up a batch of cocktails all for herself, sorted out the secret keeper, made sure that the dr was driven home (after they found him wandering the streets kicking the hell out of st signs) and then proceeded to jump in the spa naked with 5 very hot girls.

we have pics of that somewhere.

I then ended up getting naughty with a couple of people.

Got home the next day (found all the china smashed all over the floor and all the water glasses smashed in the sink) and packed clothes for the night, went home to my parents & told them everything, by this stage I' d had one of our other friends on the phone telling me that the dr had called her at work and was threatening to kill N, my parents flipped and told me I had to move home immediately, in the meantime I am also trying to deal with the guilt.

On Monday I went to work & told my boss what had happened, he flipped and had the dr's access to all company buildings revoked so he couldn't get in there to kill N if he wanted to, N was called in and the company started 'the process' and my boss assured me I could take as much time off as I needed but made me promise to be out of the dr's house by the next night.

My friends helped me move which was very nice and that evening we were all at coffee when I mentioned that I really wanted to do something to the dr to pay him back for the 7 months of hell he had put us all through. They told me to leave well enough alone but … well… you know…

I was the last one to leave the house with the final load of my stuff - everyone else had already left in convoy heading to my parents house and as I walked around one final time I had a brainwave. The night before I had had fresh prawns & smoked salmon for dinner and I had wrapped the prawn heads up & put them in the freezer until bin day….

When I moved in the dr had just had wooden flooring (you know the interlocking ones) put down and had put the skirting boards back up in all rooms except for inside the wardrobe in my room. I ran into my room and with a ruler, levered them up as far as I could and then threw some prawn heads as far under there as I could then dropped it back down - you'd never know…

The best bit was that he couldn't just pull those floor boards back up as they all interlocked and from my room ran back out into the hallway, his room & the living room and to pull the ones in my room up would require pulling every single floor board in the house up.

Muahahahahahahahaha (<- evil laugh) (just in case you missed it)

The house went on the market in about 2 weeks and it was still on the market when I left. I wonder why ….

I didn't tell them what I had done immediately but when I did they all thought it was hilarious - by then enough time had passed that we could all find it funny rather then just worrying that it might provoke him.

I am not normally a vengeful person, I believe that karma gets us all in the end but in this case...

And of course the moral of the story is - don't piss me off & then leave me alone in your house when there are prawn heads in the freezer.

And here is a story I found on the net about revenge... I'm guessing she's american....

After breaking up with a boyfriend of 3 months, I found out he was trying to control me and possibly get me pregnant, so I decided I wanted revenge on him. I was eating shrimp one day and went to get some of my things from his house, and he was gone somewhere with his uncle. Now this boy LOVES his car...I had the leftover shrimp in a take home box in my car, so I took the shells from the shrimp and put them in the boxes that hold his precious 15 inch speakers and while I was at it, I put a condom in the gas tank. and left. The shrimp are still in his speakers, from what I know and it smells like crap in there. He has tried everything to get rid of the smell. As for the condom in the gas tank...his car broke down last week and he hasn’t found out what’s wrong with it. The condom trick may take time but it works!!

Sudden surge in hormones..

I am going through another rabid stage - all I can think about is sex. After several sessions on the weekend I thought I had taken the edge off but its back. I woke up at 2 am this morning gagging for it (sorry - I love that phrase - makes me laugh every time) I have no idea what the hell I was dreaming about at the time but clearly it was very good.

Sorry about the increasing number of posts about sex - I don't really have a one track mind (or not normally anyway) but sheesh… right now…

I don't think I should be allowed out around normal people at the moment.

Back later - hopefully I will be capable of intelligent thought then... depends if there's anyone in the ladies at the moment or not ...

Monday, January 30, 2006

Weird Questions....

Ever been asked a really weird question??

One of my friends who caught up with on Sat night (came over for the party) dragged me off to one side at one stage and uttered the immortal line 'Do you mind if I ask you a personal question???'

This question invariably leads into something that I am going to get endless amusement out of - it's normally something with a very high "What the??" factor and this time was no exception...

The conversation went something like this...

MF - Do you mind if I ask you something personal? You don't have to answer.
Me - Yeah sure, of course you can, you know that!
MF - No, I mean, it's pretty personal, I won't mind if you don't want to answer
Me - Erm... Darl, you know what I fantasise about when I masturbate - do you really think there is anything that may be more personal then that??? Cause I mean seriously....
MF - Ok, but remember, you don't have to answer
Me - Ok already! What??
MF - Do you have hairy nipples?

I looked at him, saw he was serious and nearly fell over laughing, when I finally managed to pull myself together I asked him where the hell that had come from.

It appears that he's been cutting someone elses grass lately and the very married milf concerned has hairy nipples.

Honesty forced me to tell him that even if I did, he's right, I probably wouldn't discuss that with him, but no, I didn't and clearly, this woman needs a set of tweezers or a waxing kit or something...

He was quite relieved to find out that this isn't normal and I simply had to ask him - if she's letting it grow wild up top, what the hell state is her bikini line in?? He assures me that its tip top, but you do have to wonder - why go to the effort of maintaining a bikini line if you have hairy nipples and are happy to leave them that way???

Obviously its hormonal, but still ….

I thought it was hilarious but at the same time, ever so slightly disturbing....

Weekend - My idea of a short version ...

Fri night had a couple of quiet cocktails in Covent Garden - there is a place there that does fab cocktails - this was when we had the conversation about celeb crushes and I got into a lot of trouble because I couldn't think of more then 2 (it's the pressure!!!) left there at a reasonable hour before I got too drunk & decided to rape some poor unsuspecting man & wandered home.

Sat morning woke up at about 8 and decided that I was going to please myself & spend at least the morning in bed.

Literally.

At about mid-day I got a call from S saying that she was coming round to visit as she had some news for us, I reluctantly packed away my trusty vibe, flexed my fingers a few times to be sure they hadn't gotten RSI, uncurled my toes, pulled on a robe, washed my hands and wandered downstairs to & let her in.

S met 'the one' on Thursday night after I left the Walkabout… pity he got on a plane back to South Africa the very next day, eh??? They didn't even have sex as she couldn't (medical reasons) but he was in tears at the airport the next day when they were saying goodbye.

I shall watch with interest…

Even if it doesn't work out, at least she knows now just how its meant to feel.

All that exercise made me hungry so made up some risotto - crayfish, slow roasted pumpkin & rosemary with white wine… not something I cook when I want to eat straight away as it takes a while but it was worth the wait. (And the weight).

Wandered back upstairs, amused myself a couple more times then went & did some grocery shopping - bought another book (this time its about Welsh history).

Sat night we had a party at ours - AH has just rec'd conf that his visa has been extended so he can stay which was great news so that totally justified many drinks being taken. Also it was nice to get revenge on the neighbours who continually keep us awake until stupid o'clock with their noisy parties.

Sun morning woke up, amused myself a bit more (finally took the edge off!) until my parents called, followed by my sister, then up & got dressed & headed into the British museum.

I love the British museum, if I thought they wouldn't notice, I would move in there. I have been several times and it still holds the same fascination for me as it did the first time. Met an Italian guy there (we shall call him the Pony as he wasn't big enough to be a stallion) who I ended up having lunch with & he bought me roses - how sweet is that? Was supposed to be going to a party that night so couldn't go out to dinner with him but numbers were exchanged so we shall see if he calls. I am not calling - I never do, I'm the girl, I shouldn't have to so far as I am concerned. But if he does, I'll go, if he doesn't … meh… his loss…

Went home, started to get ready and then realised that I had fucked the dates up - the party was Sat night… oops… it was a friends farewell party who is heading back to Oz… well, more a friend of a friend really so I'm not in tooooo much trouble. Such is life.

I then did something so breathtakingly stupid that I can still only marvel at the sheer depth of insanity it revealed… I allowed my flatmates to colour my hair… just for something different….

My hair is naturally a strawberry / honeyed blonde - or at least it was, it hasn't been its natural colour in about 15 years but if memory serves & the few pics I have are accurate, that’s what it was. Don't ask me why I started dying my hair - I don't really know, probably one of those stupid school girl things - everyone else was so I wanted to as well.

For the last couple of years my hair has been a very deep chocolate brown - a true brown, not a reddish brown, not a violet brown but deep espresso / chocolate brown & I love it. Prior to that it was a deep auburn which I loved but as I love pink it didn't really go - I know some people think pink is ok with red hair but well… not the shades of pink I love…. Hence the brown…

We decided to go for a lighter shade of brown (I have been thinking about going back to my natural colour which will involve much bleaching, much loss of length & therefore, hair extensions until it grows out again) I was very wary about this as I firmly believe that the only people who should be let loose with bleach on other peoples hair are hairdressers and myself (I am not a hairdresser, but I have a lot more knowledge about it then the average person on the street).

They totally fucked it up. If they had listened to me it might not have been so bad but they didn't. At all.

I was able to remain fairly philosophical about it at first until I stopped to think about just what was going to be involved in fixing it. Sooo…

This morning I called work & told them I would be in late due to an emergency and then I called the hairdressing salon at Selfridges.

No need to discuss how much it cost (goodbye Christian Louboutin shoes, goodbye credit card limit). Thankfully she only had to take about 5 inches off the bottom so my hair is now the shortest its been in years but its not as bad as I feared. She even did a half decent job on the cut - at least she got my fringe right. The hairdresser offered to take me blonde but hairdresser or no, there was no way anyone was getting near my hair with bleach again unless they were holding a loaded gun to my head so my hair is now a delightful shade of auburn.

Sorry - that sounds a little sarcastic but its not meant to be - its actually really lovely but I am so pissed off that I let those fools do it. I am more angry with myself then them - I broke my own rule - I know better even if they don’t & its not like I couldn't afford to just go to a salon to get it done so what was I thinking ??? ARGH

The guys at work didn't really understand how a bad hair dye counts as an emergency but they eventually accepted our assurances that it really does count.

Anyway, I am going to tell myself that all is well that ends well - it's not what I wanted & half my wardrobe has just been placed off limits (thank goodness the rest of it is black) but I'm averaging 5 compliments an hour so far … all good….

Quick one for now..

More to come later - I had a rather interesting weekend but over 100 emails in my inbox today & another 40 in my work one (take half a day off & look what happens...) so I have to sort them into order of priority first & then i can post an update..

Still on the celebrity crush issue - we were having a conversation on the weekend about which celebs we'd sleep with, given the chance & we had to pick our top 5.

I could only come up with 2 and I have until COB today to email my friends with the other 3 - any help / suggestions would be gratefully rec'd...

So far I have -

1. Angelina Jolie
2. Robbie Williams

Yes, Angelina does rank above Robbie for the simple reason that she's is the hottest creature on the face of this earth, add that slightly freaky side and she's got to be a hands down (or pants down) winner....

But i still need 3 more... any help people????

Friday, January 27, 2006

When you think about....

One of my friends emailed me to ask where my sudden bizarre attraction to Robbie Williams (see post for Jan 25 under 'This year's favourite bands or musical artists' has come from and I really couldn't answer her.

I had a think about it and the only things I can come up with are-

A) because he just comes across as one of those guys who (in bed or anywhere else that happened to be handy) is so filthy / dirty / nasty (please leave your inhibitions at the door) that you just have to go there at least once just to say you did….

And probably again just to make sure you did it right the first time.

(Well, that’s always been my motto anyway. )

B) It's been 8 mths since I had sex .

I wish I could have one night stands - I really do. I so need to get laid right now but the thought of giving a stranger - who I have no mental connection with - unlimited access just repulses me... always has.

Damnit.

Seriously though, I so do not normally go for that type of man - the devilish ones with a cheeky smile - hold me back, the nice ones who behind closed doors will let rip, count me in but men who strike me as 'bad' dirty (as opposed to 'good' dirty - there is a fine line between sexy and smutty afterall) have always made me very wary. Probably because I have been burned by one of them before I was smart enough to know the difference but whatever.

Isn't it funny how your 'type' changes over the years along with your definition of whats sexy?

I can have sex and enjoy it and I am one of those lucky bitches who can orgasm at the drop of a hat (or a pair of pants, if you will) but unless I am mentally turned on its nowhere near as good. I have a friend who has NEVER had an orgasm... I still don't know why she bothers having sex and she refuses to masturbate so how the heck is she ever going to get there??? I ask you...

A man who can tell me what is probably wrong with my car (even if he can't fix it) is sexy, a man who I don't have to fight with to get to use the mirror, is sexy, a man who is honest, trustworthy, witty, intelligent, articulate, well read, driven, polite, confident without being arrogant, protective without being controlling, romantic without being sappy and doesn't let me walk all over him (which I have a tendency to do if I am allowed to get away with it) will probably have to beat me off with a stick. It's a mental seduction that’s far more potent then any crude, purely physical one could be.

It's sensuality -v- sex. Both are good. Both have a role to play. But a steady diet of pure raw animal sex is boring. Sometimes all you want is a great fuck but that’s only sometimes because sex, without sensuality is ultimately senseless (sorry about the alliteration folks). The rest of the time I want to immerse myself in that indulgent sensuality that unravels every nerve and leaves you feeling utterly boneless. Where you're wrapped around each other and your bodies are stuck together with sweat and your lips are still tingling from the pressure and the aftershocks are still travelling through your body and your toes are cramped from being too tightly curled for too long.

*sigh* God I miss that...

Excuse me while I go outside for a minute, there are no showers in this office.

Australia Day...

How times have changed...

8 - 9 years ago - spent on the gold coast taking more drugs then a sane person would, going AWOL from work as I was too busy partying for about 5 days straight.

5 years ago - see above (what can I say - the party phase was still going strong)

2 years ago - spent on the coast with a different group of friends at the beach, having a BBQ, flirting with cute boys and having lots of laughs.

1 year ago - spent camping on the beach at Straddie, much fun, much alcohol, much swimming at night (I never said I was sensible)

Current - Worked during the day then headed to the Walkabout at Leicester Square…..

Funny thing about the Walkabout, under normal circumstances, you can go in there and there will be a few people, go on a weekend during the evening and it will be busy-ish, go on Australia Day… it's insane…

Within 4 mins of walking in the door, I had only managed to move about 3 mtrs towards the bar, I had been drenched in beer (Literally - my underwear was soaking - mind out of the gutter kids), which I hate, groped by a very strange man in a fosters hat, with an aussie flag wrapped around his shoulders and aussie flag fake tatts on his face (… interesting….) And been propositioned by another.

Not much you can do but laugh. Aussies really do know how to have a great time. It was great to hear some Aussie music - a bit of powderfinger, some ac/dc, crowded house, some chisel et al … I do miss Aussie music as I don't mind R&B etc but I was raised on rock music and its just not the same over here.

I went there with K2 who was a little traumatised by it all. Under normal circumstances (ie when at home) we aren't really 'pub' kind of girls… wine bars, check, nightclubs, check, nice restaurants, check, a quiet pub for a game of pool, check. This however was none of those things, it wasn't nice - it was a loud, rowdy, throbbing, seething mass of people whose sole intention was to stand on my shoes (Ack!), get absolutely blind and have as much fun as they possibly could.

It was absolutely fabulous and if I had been wearing anything other then a very expensive work suit I would have been in the thick of it but clearly, I am getting old because for some reason that seemed to matter. I stayed for 2 drinks and then we left to go have dinner, I actually could have gone without dinner and just kept drinking (it wouldn't be the first time) as I had managed to charm a drinks pass out of the doorman that gave me drinks for £1.50 rather then £4 but I couldn't hear myself think let along have a conversation with K2… I told you I was getting old…

How sad.

It took us about 15 mins to work our way back to the front door (accompanied by the strains of 'I come from a Land Down Under') and then we took off into the freezing fucking cold night and headed for a Chinese restaurant that K2 found in Soho and proceeded to eat ourselves stupid and drink several bottles of wine. All in all, a fab night and I'm actually not in pain today which is even nicer.

The only glitch in the evening came when K2 started to tell me a story about a miscarriage she had a while back.

Now, I am the resident counsellor for my friends - I know everyones problems and I am permanently on call when disaster strikes. If something goes wrong, I will fix it, if someone needs their ass kicked, I will do it, if you need some hugs & sympathy, I'm your girl. So naturally enough, I didn't want to stop her talking about it if she needed to talk. The problem stems from the fact that I simply cannot listen to medical type conversations. I cannot go near hospitals and I cannot handle needles, blood etc.

In high school I was the only person who, when we were studying first aid, was allowed to leave the class at any time and go to the library - they decided on this after the first 4 times I passed out during class.

I was also the only person who automatically got a pass for dissection - I had to throw up on 2 frozen bull's eyeballs before I managed to score that one... I couldn't even dissect chicken wings for gods sake (I still can't eat them to this day).

Until my sister had her first child, I had never managed to go more then 2 steps inside the doors of a hospital without passing out and even when I went to visit her it was a struggle to remain upright until I actually laid eyes on my niece G, at which point everything else fell away.

And since my first serious bf & I broke up I am fanatical about safe sex as I cannot have a blood test without going into shock and (you guessed it) passing out…

Now K2 wasn't actually aware of this tendency of mine which is why she brought it up and within about 30 seconds of her starting to tell me what it had actually looked like and the blood, I had gone white (I could actually feel the blood draining from my face), she was looking down at her plate at the time so she didn't notice, within another minute, my hands were like ice and I was sweating and by the time she looked up (probably another 30 seconds after that) I was shaking and seeing stars & spots. Poor K2 freaked and used the menu to fan my face and was telling me to sip some water but I didn't actually have the strength to pick the glass up.

In the end I had to wait until I thought I could walk & then head to the ladies and sit there with my head between my knees for 10 mins until I felt better. The poor girl felt just awful and I felt bad that she felt bad. We established that she could talk about how she felt about the miscarriage but no physical details were allowed and all was well from that point on. She did ask me what I was planning to do when I have kids and I gave the same response I always do - I am either going to ask to go into a medically induced coma for the duration of the pregnancy or I am going to start mainlining heroin.

Neither option is seriously on the table of course but it has made me think - I am a traditional type of woman and ultimately, I do want kids, I am slightly old-fashioned in the sense that I have to admit that to me, it’s a part of the package deal - you meet someone, you fall in love, you get married and you have children.. I know it doesn't always work out that way but I don't think I would be able to have a child with someone who I wasn't planning on spending the rest of my life with (or at the very least, who I couldn't tolerate being at least a part of my life for the next 18 years or so). Never say never though I suppose.

I had a wonderful childhood & would love to give that to my children but the problem of course is bloody having them!!!!!!!!!! I am living in hope that when the time comes I will have the strength to get through it and lets face it, once I'm there, there's no turning back is there? I do have a sneaking suspicion however that it will make for some interesting posts…

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

A friend of mine sent me this, I don't normally do these things but I am soooooooo bloody bored today that i am going out of my mind - anything to fill in 5 minutes....

Two parts of your heritage:
1. Scottish
2. English

Two things that scare you
1. roaches / insect type things
2. being unemployed

Two fears you overcame
1. admitting to myself just how much debt I have
2. admitting to my family just how much debt I have (far scarier then #1, I assure you)

Two of your everyday essentials;
1. make-up
2. highheels

Two things you are wearing right now
1. venetian glass heart necklace
2. Agent Provocateur underwear.

Two things you wore too much last year
1.un-blow dried hair
2. warm clothes (I got 2 winters in a row thanks to my travelling)

This year's favorite bands or musical artists
1. U2
2. I am so ashamed to admit this but Robbie Williams – he’s just sex on legs and SO much better in person.

Two things you want in a relationship
1. Someone who can follow the 3 rules - don't lie to me, don't cheat on me and if you say you're going to do something, f**king do it.
2. Someone with strong opinions and the intelligence & facts to back them up

Two of your fave movies of the year (2005)
1. Proof
2. Wedding Crashers (in actual fact they were the only movies I saw at the cinema last year)

Best movies of all time
1. Dirty Dancing
2. Breakfast At Tiffany's
3. Casablanca

Two things you hate
1. Horror movies
2. Pi*sy London weather

Two of your favorite hobbies
1. Reading
2. traveling

Two things you learned this year
1. I never learn from my mistakes where credit cards are concerned….
2. To try to stand on my own 2 feet

Two accomplishments you are proud of
1. Still being alive to turn 27 (it's harder then it looks kids…)
2. Learning to budget and then live by it

Two things you want really badly
1. To do something meaningful with my life rather then just faffing about
2. To be a good person

Two places you went last year
1. London
2. Dublin

Two places you want to go on vacation
1. Italy
2. Russia

Two things you want to do before you die
1. learn to speak another language fluently
2. pay off those d*mn credit cards.

Two ways that you are stereotypical of your gender
1. I love shoes
2. If I have PMS do NOT get between me and chocolate.

Two things that make you stand out
1. I'm fabulous
2. I'm still fabulous.

Two things you normally wouldn't admit
1. Just because a pair of shoes is beautiful, doesn't necessarily mean that it doesn't matter that they hurt your feet.
2. Sometimes when I am angry I'm not really angry - its just easier to be angry then hurt.

Two goals for the new year
1. Travel to Rome, Venice & Paris.
2. Pay my credit cards off so I can come overseas again - I've got the bug!

Feel free to post your own!

Todays Weather Report....

Right - that's it! That is the last time I am going to check the temperature for the day while I am over here.

It is minus 1 in London today - and that’s if you are out of the wind. Once you throw yourself outside the door into a breeze coming straight of the North Pole and there is nothing between you and it’s source but a few stray polar bears then the temp drops even more (hey, do they live at the north pole or the south pole?? Cause if it’s the south pole then I'm worse off then I thought).

It sucks.

If you seriously think it is possible to get warm in this kind of weather then may I politely suggest that you are delusional???

From here on in, so far as I am concerned, there are only two temperatures in London -

1. Fucking cold (fuk-ing kold)
· Upon entering a warm building, extremities will regain feeling within 1/2 - 3/4 of an hour.
· Women are in danger of being accused of pea-smuggling
· People who don't wax or who haven't shaved that day will be annoyed by their tights rubbing against the hair on their legs which is standing on end.

2. REALLY Fucking Cold (ree-al-ly fuk-ing kold)
Upon entering a warm building, extremities will not regain use or feeling within under 2 hours without serious chaffing
Nipples are hard enough to cut diamonds
People who don't wax or shave their legs are in no danger of being annoyed by their tights rubbing against the hairs on their legs as they can't actually feel their legs.

Can you believe I signed up for this shit willingly?????

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

I am a kindhearted superfox - and so are you!

Got an email from a friend of mine today advising me that SS is pregnant and BM’s baby is healthy…. Normally I am delighted to hear about things like that but these 2 really brought back some bad memories.

BM was the first man I ever really loved. I had had bf’s before but I have never really been a ‘head over heels’ kind of girl – I had never ever been so totally enthralled by a man before in my life and would never have believed that I was capable of loving someone as passionately and intensely as I did him. This was so far removed from the warm, affectionate and - in many cases - enduring kind of love that i had had for my previous bf's as to be from a totally different planet. The best thing about it was that he appeared to love me the same way.

I say "appeared"…

BM was really keen to settle down – he wanted to move in together within weeks of us getting together then get married, have kids the whole bit.

I was quite happy to do that but I didn’t want it to move so fast – I wasn’t ready to move in with him within days (call me crazy) I explained that I loved him but saw no reason to rush and I was under the impression that he understood and accepted this. Then, about 5 mths later, right after we had finished having sex, he announced that he had slept with SS……..

SS stands for Sales Slut… which gives you some idea of what I think of her and I gave her that nickname before she slept with my bf.

She was engaged to someone else, also worked in our dept and yet still threw herself at him even though she knew we were together. She had actually thrown herself at him once before when he & I were still at the flirting stage and he turned her down – he told me about it at the time and it didn’t bother me – I wasn’t the one engaged to her so it wasn’t my problem after all. No, my problem with her stemmed from the fact that she was an ugly, bitchy, stupid slag who had no ability to do her job, got her (saggy) tits out at every office party and piled on the makeup with a trowel (and didn’t match her foundation properly so she ended up with a distinct tide mark around her face / neck) URGH!

BM couldn’t really understand why I had a problem with this and why we couldn’t all be one big happy family.. something about wanting to have his cake and eat it to I think…

The worst thing was that then he kept me in knots for months. I knew deep down inside that I couldn’t get back with him because I would never be able to trust him, but I made the mistake of trying to stay friends with him (we worked together after all – it was quite awful) when I decided that I couldn’t do that he would come and sit on my desk and talk to me, call me on my ext and keep ringing back if I hung up on him, call me on the weekend, send me upwards of 40 emails a day and basically was there every time I so much as turned around no matter how hard I tried to avoid him.

My friends were invaluable during this time – because we all sat together they would make it as difficult as possible for him to talk to me alone, they would come and sit on my desk and make him very uncomfortable being there etc and they bought me doughnuts and McFlurries and took me out drinking when I was down because of his mind games.

He lied and said he wasn’t seeing her when he was so that I would still sleep with him (which I was stupid enough to do several times, even though I kind of knew he wasn’t being honest), he told me that he made a mistake and really wanted to be with me, he talked about his plans for the future and what it would be like once we got back together and all the time – he was seeing her. It took him months to admit it.

I don’t think I can adequately describe just how a broken heart felt to me – its that tearing sensation in your chest that just doesn’t go away, its total disorientation when you look up and see that person standing there and you go to smile and realise that they are not yours to smile at like that anymore, it’s the tight chest that makes it impossible to breathe when you turn around and see him standing there with her and they are smiling at each other, it’s the tightened straining muscles of your throat and the burning of eyes as you strain to hold back tears as someone else asks you if you are ok and its the incredibly awful feeling of the hair on the back of your neck standing on end when you have to hop in a lift and the doors open and they are in there with their tongues down each others throats.

Even after he & SS broke up (she cheated on him with one of his friends – oh the irony), he was still trying to convince me to get back together with him and he had already started seeing another girl. I had moved departments by this stage so that I was based in another building so that I wouldn’t have to be near him but he then got a transfer to the same area so I was right back to square one.

Even after I confronted him and told him I knew about the new gf and that I knew he was engaged to her & that she was pregnant, he still continued to try to get me to sleep with him. He was also sleeping with other women that he was meeting online during her pregnancy – what a prince…..

But this begs the question – why do we blind ourselves to so much? I am not a stupid girl (I admit to silly but i draw the line at stupid). From where I stand now, I can see that his behaviour was never acceptable – he frequently let me down and kept me dangling while we were together but I accepted it and I know so many of my friends who have done the same. Why do we allow love to so totally destroy our judgement? Why do we not listen to friends who try to warn us (as mine did)?

As women we say that we want a partner who will treat us well, respect us, love us for our faults and protect us – a man who will be a shelter from the storm, if you will. Not someone who will try to dominate and control us but someone who, when we get tired of carrying the load, will carry the burden for us until we feel we can pick it up again, the same way that we would for them and yet, when we find a man like this, we can’t deal with it – we screw it up. Instead we consistently go for assholes who treat us badly.

Part of it (I think) is because with an asshole, you always hold a little part of yourself back – just a little piece of your soul so that when it all ends, its almost a relief and you are still (mostly) intact. A nice guy is far more dangerous – to totally abandon our defences is terrifying and once you have done that for someone who has abused it, you are deeply wary of doing it again because you know how hard it was to recover that lost part of your soul last time.

We can’t believe that anyone is that nice – it has to be a trick, so we test them and punish them for other men's mistakes and push them away – trying to prove that we are right not to trust them. Then we tentatively decide that maybe they really are that nice and if so, then clearly they must be an idiot – there has got to be something wrong with them if they think we are so wonderful.

Where does this come from? Is it just because we are so used to guys who treat us like shit that anything else seems wrong? And which came first? The guys who treat us like shit or the poor self image that lets them get away with it???

I think the self image thing is the problem. You see, while men are learning how the most effective way to maim someone on a football field, we women are learning to dissect ourselves, our actions and the people around us. We are learning to analyse people rather then play by plays.

All of this analysis and introspection makes us very aware of our faults – why our faults? Because no one wants to be seen as ‘arrogant’ by proclaiming their good qualities.

When was the last time someone complimented you and you didn’t get embarrassed or feel awkward or wonder what the punch line was? When was the last time someone looked at you and said ‘hey you look great’ and you didn’t brush it off (unless it was one of your friends who knows just how much work goes into it and then its ok), when did someone last look at you and say ‘You are really smart / you are a good person / you are kind / you are amazing (in a good way)’ and you did not feel a little uncomfortable? We are taught to not take our good points too seriously because that’s arrogant – but we are taught to take our weaknesses as vile faults that we must work on – in short, we are trained to think that we are ‘bad’ people.

That’s why we put up with this shit. I thank God I never gave in because i came damn close. I thank God that he was stupid enough to sleep with SS and stupid enough to tell me about it. If he hadn’t, I could well have been oblivious to it all and I would be the one trapped in a relationship with a man with no integrity, no morals, no common decency and a total inability to remain faithful as well as a very small penis.


So starting here & now, I’m saying – loud & proud - that I’m fabulous and damnit – so are you.

Monday, January 23, 2006

Issues....

I must say that I am starting to get a bit of a complex about how other people seem to perceive me (Recently I've been called 'feisty' 'aggressive' 'volatile' and 'assertive' and someone else admitted that when they first met me they were terrified of me - ME??!!?? WTF??!!?? The only time I am dangerous is if I think one of my shoes may get hurt and then I'll fight to the death)… it's a little disturbing when I'm not even PMS'ing.

I remember once telling my sister that any person with any sense at all was at least a little bit scared of her and she was very upset by that (look, tact was never my strong point, ok?) - I now understand how she felt.

I should also mention at this point that she has softened considerably - she's still a very strong woman but at least I'm no longer scared of her... it's more like a very healthy respect…. lol

But seriously folks, I know that we never see ourselves how other people see us - I have had that conversation with several people lately - but I don't think that I can possibly be that far off, can I ????

Oh my god - am I turning into my sister???????????

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Minus the tan of course …. *frowns*

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Meh - there are worse people to turn into I guess…

Still, it does bother me a little. Is anyone else experiencing this?

We actually had a sunny interval on the weekend which was quite nice… still bl**dy cold though! I thought it was supposed to get better from here on in however I have been informed that Feb is actually the coldest month over here and thanks to that freak weather pattern coming over from Russia it's going to be even worse this year… how lucky can I be…..

It's really very distressing.

I came home from my foray up the road & was sitting in the living room reading on Sat when MH walked in - she'd been out so she was wearing her overcoat which is long and quite fitted at the top and flared at the bottom, black Gucci handbag (which, if we folded her up, we could actually fit her in), black shopping bag, black trousers and a black jumper, black boots and black sunglasses….. I started laughing and she was like 'what????' when I finally stopped giggling I said 'Oh nothing, its just that Trinity from the Matrix called - she said she wants her look back and I had no idea what the h*ll she was talking about until you just walked in'

MH stopped, looked down at herself, opened her mouth to say something and at that precise moment, AH walked into the kitchen, clocked MH standing there (with her sunglasses still on) goes 'Hi Trinity' and keeps walking….

I just lost it.

She has sworn never to wear that coat again.


Had a huge day yesterday - got up to speak to mum & dad (they didn't forget me this week, how nice is that??) then went back to bed until about 3 and read, dozed, listened to music etc - it was very nice as it was so bl**dy cold!

Last night I coloured, foiled and cut LH's hair - all those years (and all that money) I have spent at the hairdressers is paying off for my housemates as are all the terrible things I have done to my hair over the years - now I know what NOT to do so I won't let them do it - but it was fun I have to say. We then did the girly thing - face masks, pedicures, ate chocolates etc

And her hair looks great.

MH then insisted that I do her hair which is a lot harder, she now has one blonde splice (don't ask me why she wanted it) and a short choppy haircut….I was sweating the whole time I cut her hair… I don't ever want to do that again…

I just wish that I could trust one of them enough to let them lose on my hair but I will never be that desperate.

Hairdressers over here are shit.

Seriously.

I have had a couple of haircuts since I got here - the first one cost me over £90 and it was terrible - he didn't do what I wanted at all and my hairstyle is pretty damn simple (which is why its so obvious when they fuck it up). The second one I got was £40 and it was pretty much the same, different problems but still not right.

When I get home the list of people that I am going to go see looks something like this:

Hairdresser Jo (or Sarah if she's available),
Chiro Rob & Massage therapist Cute Dave,
Pedicurist / manicurist Leanne,
waxer Lisa (more on her later),
Monique who does my facials & body treatments (eg body scrubs etc) then
my spray tanner Liz.

After I have seen all of those people I may consider catching up with friends and family….

Honestly, its THAT bad.

It really does perplex me - this is London - its in the middle of Europe, its SUPPOSED to be one of the major world capitals and yet the fashion over here and the support industries are seriously sub-standard.

Unless of course you happen to be Madonna and can afford to pay hundreds of pounds for a manicure… and btw, I do not object for paying top dollar for services like this - my haircuts back home cost me on average $200 - $250 so I really have no objection to paying for service but over here even the expensive places are hopeless.

I really miss my Aussie lifestyle in that regard, let me tell you!

Now I said there was more on the waxer….

I am a fan of brazilian waxes. It's neat, its tidy, its much cleaner (especially in summer in Oz) and really, if I'm going to get everything else off down there, why leave a strip in the middle (my apologies to anyone who feels this is too much info)?? If I walk out of the waxing salon with a single strand of hair on my body from the waist down then there is something seriously wrong.
In Oz, they use what we call 'hot wax' - they put it on, let it cool a little then holding onto the wax itself, they rip it off… over here, they use strip wax to do brazilians… so the same stuff that Aussies use on their legs and would never dream of putting near their bikini lines, these insane people use for brazillians…

Crazy fuckers.

It took me MONTHS to track down an Aussie beautician who had convinced her boss to change the wax they use and let me tell you, after several months of getting 'high bikini line' waxes, that first re-brazillian was excrutiating.

The problem is that they are literally the other side of London to where I am so it takes me about 4 hours to get a wax - I can't wait to get home to the woman who does my waxing.

I've missed her the most.

If she treated me any better, I'd marry her.

Seriously...

There are 2 things that I would like to say - both have been on my mind since a phone conversation i had on the weekend with a friend of mine....

A is 25 years old & has breast cancer, she was first diagnosed a couple of years ago now & it has been a long and hard struggle for her to try to beat this - we thought she had but its back again.

If you are female or if you are a guy reading this and you have any female friends, relatives etc, PLEASE don't think you or they are too young to get this - make sure you check regularly as if its caught early it makes such a difference.

Its not like its hard and it's not like it takes ages to do, please check and make sure you tell your friends to do so as well - it really can happen to you or someone you love.

Second - 2 of the people on the above list are HIV+ and both of them are under the age of 25... and they aren't the people you would automatically suspect.


Until a few weeks ago there would have been 3 people on the list that were HIV but a friend of mine recently passed away from an AIDS related illness.

He was 32 and it was actually a mercy for him to die.


He was not gay and he wasn't a drug user - he was just unfortunate enough to get it from an ex girlfriend who didn't know that she had picked it up from the guy she saw after they had broken up.

She was with that other guy for a year - he cheated, got it, gave it to her, they broke up (for other reasons), she caught up with my friend, they slept together and the rest is history... He didn't go get a blood test for another 6 1/2 years when he & his then gf decided to stop using condoms....

How many of us have had sex with an ex? Don't kid yourself that it couldn't happen to you.


The other 2 didn't get it from one night stands either - they both got it from their partners.

Ladies if he's having unprotected sex with you, don't kid yourself that he's not having unprotected sex with other women, guys, same thing applies....

There is a bit of an aids epidemic going on in Oz at the moment and the prime category is hetro females aged between 20 - 25. So if you are in that category or you are sleeping with someone who is, be careful.

It only takes once.

If you do have unprotected sex, make sure you get to the dr within 24 hours - there is actually a shot that they can give you so that even if you have been exposed to the virus, you wont contract it.

A friend of mine works at a medical clinic in Brisbane and she was saying that they had 4 confirmed cases last week - thats 4 cases at one medical clinic - how many medical clinics are there in your city ? And then ask yourself how many more people out there have it but think that they are just a bit run down (like these people did) and so haven't bothered going to the dr about it... It is seriously fucking scary to think about it and something like this brings it home.

Before my friends got sick, I wasn't as careful as i could have been - i freely admit that. My generation grew up with the grim reaper ads of the 80's so we are all 'safe sex'ed' out.

We can't afford to be.

if you have had unprotected sex since your last blood test, go get tested and please try not to do it again.

If you are one of those people that say that you would rather not know if you had it so you don't want to go get tested, i have one thing to say to you - imagine how you would feel if you accidently gave it to someone you love - a partner, a child, a friend... how do you live with that?

Better to check and be sure. It is seriously fucking heartbreaking to watch my friends struggle with this and how it will affect their dreams. If even one person reads this and takes the message to heart, then i will be happy.

*End of non-sponsored but straight from the heart health warning*

Don't worry, I'll post something a little more lighthearted a bit later today...

Friday, January 20, 2006

My Latest Crush

Better then a man.....

Better then chocolate......

Better than alcohol......

Better then sex - no !!! Wait!!!!!

Ummmm...... can I get back to you on that last one???????

I am so going to buy these shoes (looks like I'm not going to be paying off that credit card anytime soon) and when I do I shall put them on and sit in my livingroom (because thats all I'll be able to afford to do) and admire them endlessly ......

So Pretty....

Stupid people annoy me... but there is hope!

Have spoken to JAL re my flights home - doesn't cost me anything to change them so I will probably end up changing them half a dozen times before I pick a final date - no point in advising anyone back home of what my current return date is as it will probably change…

I picked one but S, M & I were talking about going to Ladies day at Ascot which is on the 22nd June… I may have to delay my flights so I can go to that… I love a chance to dress up and surely that’s the best excuse around??!!


After a slightly traumatic session at work today I went onto google and just for fun, I typed in 'Curer of stupidity" (as in, is there one??) and funnily enough, death aside, apparently there is - the angel Arariel is the angel responsible for curing stupidity… God sure believes in covering all the bases, doesn't he???

I'm guessing Arariel is very overworked at the moment though or has been saddled with some other duties and a novice is holding the fort in the meantime … That may well be how I ended up with 2 credit cards… No other possible explanation so far as I'm concerned... But, if he's fueled by prayer (and you believe in God / angels) then start praying to Arariel people - it's our only hope….

Arel, the angel of common sense has also been slacking off lately I think….

Dodgy b*stards….

I also found this on the net (no idea who wrote this but props to them) -

'Our world’s problem is stupidity. I’m not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, (why not??) but why don’t we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?

Can we, can we???? Huh huh huh????



Awwwww… spoilsports.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Yay for me!

Now that i have a blog, perhaps I will stop sending 30 million crap emails to my friends all day ...

I have a non-job so spend most of my day surfing the net and emailing random thoughts (usually about 5 pages of them) to my friends who are unfortunate enough to have jobs that actually do require them to work.

Thanks to the wonders of blogging however, I am now able to inflict the results of my boredom on cyber space instead.... bless...

Basics - I am 27yo female who drinks a little too much, loves shoes far too much and shops a great deal too much for someone with the credit card debt I am currently immersed in.

Its like Sex and the City with no sex....

And I'm not a size 4 either... damnit...

I am currently in London (Bah to London weather) but will be returning home to Brisvegas in June.

Single and not really looking, employed but not really working, older but not necessarily wiser....

I do have a lot of fun though.

I think that pretty much sums it up.